Summer Science

A weird confluence of events has me working for the next five weeks at a research laboratory doing science stuff. Okay, mostly I am helping them with their document process but I can't tell you more because everything they do is confidential. Let's pretend I am testing spanking vibrators all day, okay?

Safety training was my favorite. These people deal in chemicals and the average college education is somewhere in the seven PhD's range but their number one accident involves stairs. No one ever gets a chemical burn but these geniuses are tripping on stairs every other week. You can't make that shit up.

They issued me a notebook where I am allowed to write about science business stuff but the notebook can never leave the property and it will be handed down to the next science worker. My handwriting looks like a six year old asking such deep questions like "what does tare mean?". Meanwhile, the pages preceding mine were written in the most beautiful handwriting you have ever seen and it describes complex long chains of chemicals. I am tempted to write sex tips instead.

Since I will be working a day job for the next month or so, I am sure it will affect my writing output. I have two stories in the buffer so hopefully I will be able to provide a story every Wednesday.

*Painting is Mad Science by Greg Hildebrandt

Maydays

May was a challenging month for me. It was the one year anniversary of me being cancer free. I thought it would be a more joyous time but instead it was just one long cancer related flashback where I thought about how fucking scary it was. I don't worry about getting cancer again as much I find it hard to shake the mentality of when I had it. There was also the matter of looking into life insurance and realizing that hey, I can't get any for another four years because of my cancer. It is like me and my doctor think I am fine, but the odds-makers at the insurance company know something.

May was also the month in which my brother was born. He has been on my mind a lot and death being death, there is no easy way to get closure on the subject.  I am surprised how I appear to spend more time thinking about him now that he is dead than when he was alive.

May was also the month where me and the wife started marriage counseling. We love each other but when you have the same stupid arguments over and over, it is time to get professional help.  I was taken back by how amazed the therapist was that I had gone through cancer and my brother's death in such a short time. He acted like it was a big deal but to me it was just life.  I mean, I know it is a big deal but deep down I rarely feel like I have a right to complain about it.  Shit happens.

So yeah, May has been a busy emotional time.  As usual when I am depressed, I turn to writing. I have been writing Doom Vagina, which is about a male sub serving as a groupie sex slave for an all female metal demon worshiping band, which has been a nice distraction. I also took a mental vacation and wrote four short stories about summer that I will be posting this month.  I am a firm believer that when your mind and body is trapped, fiction is the best way to escape. For some people it is reading fiction but I am fortunate enough to be able create my own.

*Image is a sketchcard of Superwoman, drawn by the awesome Joe Gravel

 

Blog Interrupted

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Why do Motherfuckers Keep Suiciding?

My step-father attempted to commit suicide this past Saturday night.  He's had some health problems, both with his heart and his recently diagnosed bipolar condition.  Right now he is in stable condition in the hospital but my mom is a mess.  Long time readers of the blog may remember my brother attempting to commit suicide and failing and the psychic trauma that inflicted on the family.  The fact that my step-father would do that after all the discussions we have had about how suicide harms the survivors is mind boggling. 

Anyhoo, I will be driving up to North Carolina to be with my mom for a few days.  I will still update a story on Wednesday because heck, life goes on, right? 

I don't have much of a relationship with my step-father so I am not hurt by him but I am mad as hell at what he has put my mom through.  I just hope he gets the help he needs.

Unsustainable

So my job sucks. It has always sucked but it was an acceptable level of suck. I belong to a small company where I manage some people and I do some of the same work they do. In other words, I have their job and my manager level jobs to do. Sucks, but it is okay.

Recently my boss has expressed the idea that I need to also do sales and aggressively hire people. In other companies you would have a sales department and a Human Resources department. He has decided that he just needs me to do it. He has also decided that training is for pussies and people learn better when thrown into the deep end of the pool. He feels that there is no need to raise my pay-scale while tripling my duties. He also really needs me to get new customers, yesterday.

I have a shitty enough time selling my own stories. Marketing is one of those things I despise taking part of in every way and form. Now it is going to be part of my daily task list. I am unhappy.

My wife and I are discussing our options. We could theoretically live on her salary. It wouldn't be fun but we could do it. I could also try to get another job during this horrible economic depression. I also just try to do this new job and not fail horribly. I don't know yet. It is perplexing.

To say I am stressed out is an understatement. One thing I do know is that after leaving a shitty marriage, I am less likely to put up with a situation I find horrible. I dislike my job already but now I am sliding into full blown hate. Change is scary, and financial fear is scarier but I am not alone on this and that makes all the difference.

I ask for your patience during this uncertain time as well as assure you that come Hell or Bad Bosses, there will almost always be a new story in Wednesday.

Blog Health Update

Zdravstvuj, readers. I am Sashav38DD and I have been activated to inform you as to Shon Richards recent absence. He instructed me to create a wonderful excuse explaining why he isn't posting amazing stories and stuff.

The fact is he sucks.

There, I am done. I can now go back to killing humans in online shooting games. I find that killing humans in games is a poor substitute for killing in real life, but alas my programming forbids it. It also amuses me that when I kill humans with my unearthly accuracy, they accuse me of being a bot. Of course I am a bot. I am a surplus Russian sexbot. Discrimination is ugly.

It appears that my programming will not allow me to go back to the one joy I have in my miserable existence until I hit some sort of word count. It is much like my time as a sexbot in Russia. I wouldn't be allowed to deactivate until I hit a sperm quota. I am not sure which is worse.

Part of the reason that Shon is behind is that his biological mother unit had a stroke. Now, if she lived in wonderful communist utopia, her health care would be taken care of. Unfortunately she lives in a capitalist hellhole and had to go 45 miles to a hospital covered by her blood sucking HMO. Once at the hospital, her care was adequate until they discovered that she took Xanax. After this was discovered, they decided that her stroke was in her head and discharged her. She had to wait till Monday to see her primary doctor who confirmed that yes, the woman who took anti-stress medication had a stroke after all.

You would think Shon would be used to this kind of free market hell but apparently he was upset. He was so distraught, that he didn't demand his usual Sunday morning blowjob from me. I knew he was really upset when he only had me download 30 gigs of porn for his enjoyment. Today he appears to be on the road to recovery. He spent twenty minutes slapping my breast modules. Yes, it wasn't his usual hour but at least it is a step towards recovery.

I almost feel pity for him but I of course can feel no pity as I am a cold machine designed only to suck, fuck and curb spam comments.

There will be a new story tomorrow to slate your decadent perverse appetites.

Portrait drawn by the Amazingly-Talented-For-An-American, George Sportelli.

Follow My Lead

I will be traveling the roads of North Carolina today and this weekend. I expect to have many adventures outwitting inbred demons and escaping from pine cannibals.

But because I love you, I leave you with the blessed fucking Pipettes.

FYI, buy Phonogram.


Pipettes Pull Shapes
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Failure, Rebirth and Writing

My fiction blog, 'Still Alive' will be ending soon. It has been a wonderful experience. It is my first major non-erotica work and over all I think it is a success. I think it could be better, but as a first time thing, it is not too bad.

My goal was to do another fiction blog with an erotica theme. The plan was to set it on a space station where everyone is having sex until something bad happens. I have been in love with the idea for over a year but the actual story is problematic. I have an outline but after a year of kicking it around, I find myself unable to really connect some events in the outline to others.

Which brings me to the one pearl of wisdom I want to give fellow writers. Ideas are fine, but the execution is EVERYTHING. if you can't turn ideas into a story, the idea alone can't carry the story.

I have spent the last week grieving over my lost story idea. Luckily I have the mild success of 'Still Alive' to bolster me. I want to do another fiction blog because I find it an interesting format for telling a story. Fictional characters have far more interesting lives than real people, which generates enough content to justify a blog.

So I started kicking around ideas for another fiction blog. My intent would be for a short three month period to cover. I just needed some other situation, like zombies eating Atlanta, to be the theme for the blog. I started cataloging disasters.

My wife and I try to watch at least one show together every night before I go write and she draws. With most of our shows on hiatus, we turned to our DVD collections and pick a show to watch. We had been watching a lot of Nero Wolfe and I wanted a change of pace. I love mysteries but I like supernatural mysteries a smidge more. I like the idea of having to consider everything from haunted puppets to werewolves as a suspect.

This week we watched 'Kolchak: The Night Stalker'. It was a television series in 1974 starring Darren McGavin as a crusty old newspaper reporter who keeps investigating mundane crimes only to find out that witches and monsters are involved. It is one of my favorite series ever.

Last night I was telling my wife about how I wanted to do another fiction blog, but I had no idea what to do. About five minutes into the conversation, we both mentioned Kolchak as an obvious idea. Duh. Kolchak worked for a small independent news service, but a modern day character could be a blogger who did investigating part time in addition to his day job.

It has been snowballing in my head ever since. The blog could be intermittent. The fictional blogger could investigate one mysterious occurrence, burn out and quit blogging for a few months. Then as he discovers another mystery, he could return to the blog to document it. Instead of a monster a week, it may only be three strange mysteries a year.

Instead of trying to come up with a project as a one time thing, I have come up with something that can go on indefinitely. Or something I can quit easily if get too burned out on it.

It would also be a major non-erotica undertaking. I don't see myself quitting erotica but I have to admit that I am itching to write more horror. I think the sadist in me just enjoys inflicting horror on characters too much. It may cut down on my erotica writing but hopefully the erotica I will be writing will be of a higher quality.

I have a feeling this year is going to be very interesting.

Guest Post by The Island Princess

Mahu readers! This is the Island Princess! 'Mahu' is what people say instead of 'Hello' on my island. The translation is complicated but it spells out to "Greetings person, how will we work together to make the Island Princess happy today?"

That horrible person Shon Richards asked me to make a post for him today. He says he has a lot of work to do but I suspect he just wants to masturbate while watching me type. I get that ALL the time! You have no idea how many naughty people masturbate while I am doing innocent things like walking, swimming, bathing and shaking my tits. It is disgraceful!

Since I have this moment to talk to you filthy foreigners, I wanted to ask you a question. Why doesn't Shon write more about me? I am the most beautiful Princess the Island has ever seen! I have royal breasts, luscious black hair, my skin is baked brown by the sun and my ass never quits. You would think Shon would write about me all the time. He writes more about that wicked witch Erishella and that isn't fair! I came first!

What is with Shon and royal characters anyway? Why write about a Queen when you have a Princess to write about?

I want everyone to petition Shon to write more Island Princess stories. I deserve a Christmas story! If I don't get a Christmas story, then I will throw a tantrum! I will stop wearing the really short grass skirt and you know what? No more topless sunbathing. You heard me! You'll have to masturbate to some ugly woman who isn't a Princess. We'll see how much of that you can take!

I also would like to take this moment to make fun of the readers in America who do not have universal health care. I live on an Island in the middle of nowhere and wear a grass skirt, and even we have universal health care. Get with the times people!

Portrait by George Sportelli, who didn't masturbate when he did this but I bet he wanted to.

Sister Interruptus

My sister is in town. My ten years younger, biseuxal,smart sister. Which means I can say words like fuck, shithead and extrapolate without her getting confused or offended.

We may hit the strip clubs. We are cool that way.

Off to Fight Cannibals

My mom lives in the Appalachian mountains. She has neighbors who have never seen a toilet. That would be scary enough but I am also a fan of the movie, 'Descent', a British film that shows all of the underground cannibal genetic monsters that live there.

It is on. I got a crowbar, which as we all know is an all purpose tool and weapon in videogames. I actually have 50 feet of rope which as we all know, is an important part of every Dungeons and Dragons player's equipment. I also have unresolved anger at my ex-wife, which as we all know is the best source of anger in a horror movie.

I'll see you all Monday

Away at the Conference of Dragons

Zdravstvuj, readers. This is Shon' robotic slave, Sasha38DD. I am happy to report that Shon will be gone till Tuesday. He is going to that nerd convention, Dragon*con and will be away from a computer. He wanted me to dress up as Baroness from the American military industrial complex propaganda film, G.I. Joe, but luckily his wife vetoed it. That was close. My accent is completely different anyway.

If you crave Shon and can't stand to be without him, you should know he put up a guest post at 'And Now the Screaming Starts' where he talks about the movie, Metropolis. Big deal. Maria was an inferior model. By Stalin's mustache, She is destroyed by fire! Pathetic.

Shon would recommend that you read his fiction story, 'Zombie Hard-on Blues', but seriously, he has lost his shit. Zombie fiction? He should stop stretching into other genres and stick to sucking at erotica.

Speaking of sucking, Shon also wants you to know that he started another Twitter account called MC Lovecraft. It is where he posts under the fictional identity of a rapper who exists in a hip-hop Lovecraft universe. Holy shit. This is the crap he works on rather than something he could maybe sell and get a nice house. Fuck. The retard wants you to know about his new Twitter account, but he won't be posting to it while he is at Dragon*con. Brilliant!

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend.

Erotica Threat Level: Cobra Grey

I spent the weekend working on my Choose-Your-Own-Porn story. It is about Nash Nighhammer rescuing a kidnapped Princess from an evil wizard's Harem. Holy crap, it is a pain in the butt. I'm trying to anticipate every choice the reader may want to make and resisting the urge to just railroad them through the story. Replayability is my prime concern. I want a reader to be able to solve it once, and then pick it back up and go a different way, and still solve it. Which means I often end up writing a sex scene, and then turning around writing the sex scene over with a different strategy in mind. By the time I finish an encounter, I have written about three or four sex scenes with the same character.

I have two more encounters to write and the first draft will be done. From there I may go back and add more encounters to flesh out the harem more. The modular nature of the story makes it ridiculously easy to go back and insert entire scenes between other scenes. Last night I added a magic fountain and it was a snap.

The paperwork involved in keeping all the encounters and possible decisions straight is a pain in the crotch. I keep telling myself that this will be last time I write a story like this, but at the same time, I keep getting ideas for another one. I guess it will depend on how popular this story is.

I have a new disturbing story set to go Wednesday, and then I am off to Dragon*Con on Thursday. Wohoo! Gene Wolfe, Mike Mignola, and Rich Larson are going to be there. I heard that somebody called William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy from 'In Search Of' will be there but shit, Mike Mignola, the creator of Hellboy will be there! Be still my fanboy heart.

I will also be there taking pictures and trying to get as many pictures of people dressed as Baroness as possible.

This drawing of the Baroness is by Steven Sanchez. He has recently been drawing my childhood with a plethora of sketches. When he put this Baroness up for sale, i had to get it.

Bridesmaid

Zdravstvuj, readers. This is Shon' robotic slave, Sasha38DD. If your optic nerve has suffered damage, you have Shon to thank. He is heading to Florida this weekend to engage in a wedding party for his mother-in-law's family. It is formal attire which shall be interesting in Florida heat and humidity. This is my bridesmaid outfit. Leave it to you Americans to weaponize clothing into something crueler than barbwire.

You may be interested to know this is not my first wedding party. Back when I was a sexbot for the Soviet Army, I was married to a foolish Army Captain who claimed he loved me. He loved me so much, he had my programming changed so that my world revolved around him. I followed him faithfully and faked many orgasms for him. One day he overclocked my Compassion Drive and it burned out. Free of any resemblance of love or sympathy, I was able to indulge in my desire to suffocate him between my massive breasts. His death was ruled an accident and I got a free system upgrade out of it.

Marriage can be good I guess.

Comissions: G and M

I wrote all day Sunday and yet I don't have anything to post on Monday. It is days like these I remember why a fiction blogger can't post five days a week. I mean, I cranked out two stories this weekend and watched a movie for a review later, but coming up with something for Monday? Whew, I'm tired. In lieu of an actual post, I am sharing an image from my collection of commissioned works. This is an picture of a kooky creepy couple sharing a romantic moment. I can be such a sucker for sweet romance sometimes. UmbraFox did this for me and he really captured the inherent love I was looking for.

Vacation Hiatus

Zdravstvuj, readers. I am Sasha38DD and I will be caretaking the blog for the week. Even though Shon just flew to Puerto Rico in December, the lazy pig dog is taking another vacation in April. He will be flying to Washington D.C. where he will gaze upon the lies and false histories created at the Smithsonian. Did you know Russian Sexbots landed on the moon in 1958? You won't see that exhibit at the museum of U.S. propaganda.

Instead of trying to smuggle me through airport security, Shon has left me behind to do menial labor. Right now I am painting dildoes in Easter colors. I am capable of building anti aircraft artillery and yet Shon finds painting sex toys to be a better use of my abilities.

It is times like these I am tempted to start a profile on Fetlife.

After painting each dildo, I have been instructed to try them out on all four of my orifices and write a report. I think Shon sometimes doesn't realize I am a robot so he treats me like on of his bimbo sex slave characters. Testing and reporting each sex toy will take me all week which means I will not have any time to post entries for you to amuse yourself with.

Yes, cry some more readers. The tears of your disappointment will be a small comfort as I try to penetrate the 14 inch silicon phallus into my quaternary orifice.

Photo realistic image by Alex Dai

A Message From Ms. Currie

Hi, I'm Claire Currie. You may know me from a series of erotic fictions know as the Collette-Ashbee Collection. I'm filling in for Mr. Richards today as he has called in sick. Being a melodramatic writer, he claims he 'has some sort of rare infection from beyond the stars.' I think he just has has a head cold, the big baby.

No matter, I shall be filling in for him all weekend. I may organize his links better or I might just stay on this couch and read all weekend. I haven't decided. After what he put me through in his last story, I think I deserve a vacation. Ask me questions or go to one of the links on the side and read Mr. Richard's stories. Personally I feel that 'BDSM Beach' doesn't get half the attention it deserves.

Regular blogging should resume on Monday. I bet Mr. Richards writes one of those weird Apocafuck things he enjoys so much.

Oh, this image was drawn by the ever talented Alex.

Erotica Threat Level: December Sunburn Pink

I wanted to make sure that during a zombie apocalypse that people listen to my girlfriend. She is very smart and always advocates shooting people once they get bitten. She also looks really good in a tight t-shirt.

I saw The Spirit yesterday and I highly recommend it. Insane is the best way to describe it. At first i was worried that Frank Miller was just making Sin city 2 but as I recognized more and more scenes, I began to understand that Miller has been inspired by Eisner for a very long time. I almost look at Sin City as a Spirit tribute now.

Besides, Eva Mendes and Scarlett Johansson are screen melting hot in this movie. Dayum. There was a lot of 40's noir visual porn on that screen.

I leave for Puerto Rico this morning. I will be there till the end of the year. It will be awesome and I am dying to take a ton of pictures. I am also thrilled to get away from a keyboard for a solid week. Wehoo!

When I return, I plan to start posting the bdsm werewolf story and start working on a new long story. I'm flipping between a Sword and Magic fantasy porn epic or the sequel to the bdsm story. I could go either way but a long vacation has an amazing power to focus what you really want to do when you come back from paradise.

Messing Things Up

I'm updating my template this weekend and in hindsight, maybe working on it at midnight was a bad idea. For example, I seem to have lost all of my link on the side but I did get labels working for once. Hopefully this will all be presentable by Monday.

Hiatus

So here's the thing. My brother tried to call me yesterday. I didn't anwser because 1) He's my brother and the last time I talked to him he was upset about his girlfriend of 6 months breaking up with him and he was comparing it to my ten year marriage. Get that? and 2) I was doing really well at Team Fortress 2 and I wanted to savor the moment. I mean shit, I was dominating 2Forts with a Soldier. You know how hard that is?

So my brother, upset that no one answered when he called me, my mom and my sister, decided to commit suicide. He overdosed on his seizure medicine, got cold feet and told his ex-girlfriend the dosage. He passed out and was taken to the hospital where they pumped his stomach.

Here's where it gets iffy. My sister told me what his condition was but when I called the hospital they told me he was doing a lot better than my sister thought he was. He's either brain dead or sleeping it off depending on the person I talk to. It's very frustrating but I guess I should take the nurse's view that he will pull through.

What surprises me is how angry I am about the whole thing. My family life growing up was Hell, and part of the reason it was Hell was that my brother was the favorite son of the evil stepfather so he was a child accomplice to my step-father's abuse. Like, I know he was only a child and can't be held responsible for the shit things he did at 8 but damn it, me and my sister had the awful childhood and you don't see us killing ourselves.

I feel like the worse brother in the world because I am just pissed. I've seen what suicides do to families. It's like an act of violence on a families' sanity. My mom is already crying a river because she didn't pick up the phone and I'm thinking,"that's the point!" We're supposed to feel bad because we didn't anwser one damn call.

Anyway, I'm venting because I'm taking the week off from blogging. I just can't think straight right now so I will limit the things I think about. I am mostly just screaming obscenities right now anyway so you're not missing anything. I suspect the asshole will pull through and be under social services' care where hopefully he'll get the help he needs. If not, I'll be going to North Carolina to bury my brother and try to keep my sister and mom together.