Dear Dr. Victor Mundac, Theoretical Sciences Chair of St. Nadius University,
I noticed that you published a paper recently in regards to my work on Multiversal Vibrator String Theory. I was excited to see such a renown intellect discussing my work. My excitement turned to disappointment as I saw that you did not believe my attempts to reach other universes by calibrating a sexual aid to the right synchronicity frequency was feasible. That was fine with me as science is all about disagreement and discussion but I was further disappointed by the personal attacks you made on my reputation. Specifically, I am referring to your quote on page five which I am repeating here.
"Dr. Otto Von Madd has obviously spent too much time penetrating himself God knows where and not enough time studying Hyatt's Theory of Parallel Universes are Nonsense."
I was disappointed but not offended by this comment. Personal attacks on fellow scientists is as old as Newton and Leibniz so I did not take this comment personal. What I do object to was your comment on my employees who helped pen this paper. I am referring of course to this quote on page 8.
"The fact that seven other scientists signed this paper is proof that there is too much bacchanal orgies at Von Madd Laboratories and not enough basic science."
How dare you, sir! The orgies at Von Madd Laboratories are a prime lubricant in the the theoretical process. Why, Dr. Wi perfected the singularity theory in the paper while being quadruple penetrated! I challenge you to come up with a recombinant theory unless you were being fucked at four orifices. It expands one's mind and concept of limitations.
It is on behalf of my fellow scientists that I have to decided to have my revenge on you, sir. I could write a paper with scathing refrences to your ability to think but I am too busy doing actual science. I shall instead demonstrate to you the power of a mind trained in the sexual sciences.
Please refer to Attachment A. That is a picture taken from my glasses while in the act of coutis with your wife. That expression that you may not recognize is her experiencing an orgasm. For future reference, this sexual act was committed on your couch and was quite enjoyable for all parties involved. I really appreciate the cookies she sent me the following day.
Now refer to Attachment B. This is a picture of me eating one of the cookies that your wife sent me the day after we had mutually pleasurable sex.
You should now refer to Attachment C. This is a picture taken from my glasses of your mistress with my cock in her mouth. It is my understanding that she had convinced you that she did not participate in such an act. The fact is, she just does not wish to commit the act with you. Please also note that after three hours of vigorous fucking, she has agreed that she is wasting her youth fucking an unimaginative simpleton such as yourself. I expect her to run off with a man closer to her age any time now.
Refer to Attachment D. Yes, that is your daughter in her college dorm room. Yes, that is my cock buried in her ass.
Please listen to the mp3 file listed as Attachment E. I will confirm that it is an audio recording of your daughter calling me "Daddy" and asking me to quote, "Bust a nut in her ass."
Now if it was simply my honor you had besmirched, I would stop here. Unfortunately for you, you insulted my employees who I have come to consider as my friends and sometimes sexual partners. On their behalf, I inflicted the last act of revenge.
Open Attachment F. The black and white photo of a woman fingering her vagina is in fact a picture of your maternal grandmother when she was twenty-one. I have forty such photos and the others are far more graphic than this one.
How do I have dirty pictures of your maternal grandmother? It is a funny story. When Dr. Wi was trying to contact another universe through her anal vibrator, she discovered that she could send vibrations back through time. We used this discovery to contact my great-uncle, Udo Von Madd who as well as being a renown pioneer in the science of clock making, was also quite the ladies' man. When I explained how the honor of my employees had been besmirched, Udo was happy to help us out.
If you doubt me, go ask your grandmother about a certain bearded gentlemen and his clockwork precision. You will notice a blush in her cheeks and a glimmer of bliss in her eye.
I hope this rebuttal fills you with shame, rage and inadequacy. I hope it also teaches you a lesson in dismissing the hard work of erotic scientists. Lastly, I hope this letter makes you choke and die.
Sincerely,
Dr. Otto Von Madd
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Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Fiction: The Squix
Explorer’s Log: I am about to land on the 4th planet in the star system designated Bounce of the Queen’s Ass, by Royal Astronomers. I have been receiving audio transmission for the last week. The messages are in different languages including a primitive form of Verdana. Transmission is as follows.
We are the Squix. We welcome you with open limbs. Engaging diplomats are waiting to talk to you. Share our immense knowledge and resources. We seek interesting races and new relations with other species. If you are in this star system, please report to these coordinates. May unseen deities accompany your fortunes.
I will be landing near those coordinates to scout them out. The message is typical of those naïve races that believe that all species can get along. I will review their defenses and determine the best way to conquer these silly fools. Of course, there is always a tiny chance that this is some sort of trap but I will be ready for them. I haven’t killed anyone in weeks. End Explorer’s Log.
Explorer’s Personal Log: Just because they are stupidly hospitable to strangers is no reason not to take them up on it. I could do with some personal service and Queen knows I could do with a good fuck. I just realized that it has been close to a year since I have had my cunt eaten. Gods damn, that is too long. End Explorer’s Personal Log.
The coordinates were for a rock quarry. Deep Space Explorer Vaquel Di shrugged. Everyone needs rocks. She was expecting a city but all she saw was mining equipment and automated machines.
Vaquel sighed. She was really looking forward to getting laid. She had on her cute purple spacesuit and it was so tight, you could see every inch of her buoyant breasts and her even more gravity defying ass. The glassteel helmet exposed her cute brown face with her short pink bangs. It took her an extra half hour to get her bangs to have that just right bounce of sexy playfulness.
Vaquel walked down the hill towards the quarry. Her scanners weren’t picking up any life signs but they might be inside the mine itself. She was picking up robots although there was only three of them. It seemed like a quarry this size would need more robots.
Even odder was the range of robots. There was a shiny small one that looked like a barrel on two legs. The second robot was as big as a car and rolled around on six wheels. It looked rusted and badly maintained. The third robot was humanoid and pitch black. She didn’t understand their functions at all.
“Hey!” she yelled from the edge of the quarry. “I have come to meet the Squix! Take me to your people! The Squix! Do you understand anything I am saying?”
All three robots stopped what they were doing. The humanoid looked at her and emitted a high pitched series of beeps. The other robots responded with similar beeps. After three seconds, they charged up the quarry slope towards her.
Deep Space Explorers with a trusting attitude get flunked out of the program early on. Vaquel’s natural suspicions took over and she pulled out her plasma pistol. It was the speed of the robots that bothered her. The wheeled robot was coming so fast that it kicked up a shitload of dirt in a hurry to reach her. Even the small robot with stubby legs was tearing up the slope like it was on fire. These robots were way too eager to reach her.
Vaquel fired a warning shot at the ground in front of the wheeled robot. Super heated gas vaporized the dirt but the wheeled robot didn’t slow down. The second shot was aimed for the dead center of the wheeled robot. She smiled as the front of the robot exploded in shrapnel but her smile died as the smoke cleared. The rusty robot hull was damaged but still intact.
“Fuck, it must have be a war robot,” she said. Vaquel turned around and ran as fast as she could.
The robot was faster. It sped past her and then spun in the sand in front of her. A weapons port opened and a long cylinder emerged. Vaquel froze in terror as she waited for the weapon to fire.
The cylinder didn’t fire. In fact, it looked a lot like a cock. Well, a cock designed to ram a large bovine creature, but it was certainly a cock.
Vaquel fired her plasma pistol again. She shot at the cock and it exploded in a cloud of super heated plasma. The robot screeched at her in a burst of fast paced beeps.
“Fuck you, too!” Vaquel yelled back.
She was tackled from behind. The pistol fell from her hand and she cursed at the heavy weight on top of her. It was the black humanoid robot. Her hands were pinned to the sand and the robot’s legs were pinning her knees. She wasn’t going anywhere.
Vaquel still had to try. She twisted and turned but the robot held her tight. The short robot reached her and sat down on her back. She cried out as her breasts were crushed into the sand.
“What do you fucks want?” she yelled.
The black robot no longer needed to pin her wrists. Metal fingers tore through her space suit and ripped it free of her ass. The space suit was designed to withstand tremendous stress but the robot tore through it like it was paper.
Vaquel really wished that she had worn panties for this mission. Her bare ass was exposed to the robots and sand was getting on her cunt.
Another burst of beeps came from the metal robot. Her ass tingled as some sort of scanner took readings of her pelvis. The black robot forced her thighs apart and slipped two warm metal fingers into her cunt.
“Oh shit!” Vaquel yelled. She hated to admit it but the fingers felt great. They were made of metal but the fingers had ten times the dexterity of some of her former lovers. Despite her anger and fear, her cunt was responding with a gush of pleasure.
All three robots streamed their incomprehensible beeps. They were communicating and Vaquel had no idea what they were discussing. What kind of robots penetrate an organic’s cunt anyway?
The humanoid robot removed his fingers and Vaquel felt him kneeling between her legs. The short robot on her chest rose up from her back. Before Vaquel could get up, the short robot’s feet came down on Vaquel’s wrists and pinned them to the sand.
“I demand to see the Squix!” she yelled.
The humanoid robot answered her with a thrust. Something hot, metal and fucking perfect slipped into her cunt. It was the perfect length for her sex. It was the perfect girth. She was filled and she shuddered on the robot’s impalement.
“We are the Squix,” the robot said behind her. “The sum of a vast fortune will be deposited into your accounts. Sexually promiscuous partners will be aroused by your anatomical measurements. Respond to this message to see culturally sensitive body parts forbidden in your area. We are the Squix.”
“Oh shit,” Vaquel moaned. The Squix were an artificial intelligence race. They were rare but they do occur out here in the wilds of space. Rogue robots often infect other robots with their intelligence, duplicating their priorities and objectives among each other like a philosophical virus. No wonder the robots looked so different, they were all converted from their original functions.
The Squix rammed into her. Vaquel moaned at the mechanical precision. The Squix rammed in and out of her with a speed that defied biological limits. She could also feel that the robot was adding lubricant although there was certainly no need. Vaquel’s sex was wet enough for whatever the Squix had planned.
There were sexbots back home of course but Euphorians had little use for sex partners that they could not inflict sadistic desires upon. Vaquel doubted any of the sexbots back home were this good at fucking. The Squix was beeping as it fucked, almost as if it was moaning. Was that even possible? What could a robot possibly get out of sex?
Ten thrusts later, Vaquel didn’t care. She pushed back against his cock. Her body determined his rhythm and matched it. It was the first real fuck that she had in weeks. It may have been the best fuck she had in years. Damn, it might be the best fuck ever. Vaquel was going to get as much as she could from this situation.
After a good long fucking, the humanoid Squix pulled out. Vaquel snarled in anger. “Get back in there!” she commanded.
The Squix beeped at the smaller one and the smaller one let go of her wrists. Freedom was short lived as the humanoid Squix spun her onto her back and spread her legs. The Squix held her legs apart as it re-entered her. Vaquel trembled as the robot’s cock now began to vibrate.
“Glory to the Queen!” Vaquel cried. She climaxed as the robot fucked her without pause. She was relieved that the fucking wasn’t over yet.
The smaller robot stood over her head. A small drill descended from the bottom of the barrel. Vaquel screamed but the Squix kept fucking her. She watched in horror as the drill shattered her nearly invincible glasssteel helmet.
This was not how Vaquel imagined dying. Being screwed by a robot was one thing but getting her face screwed by a drill was entirely different. She reached for one of her weapons on her utility belt but the humanoid Squix grabbed her hands. She screamed as she watched the drill come closer to her face.
The drill retracted. Vaquel let out a sigh of relief until something new snaked out of the bottom of the short robot. The tip was unmistakably a cock.
“What the fu-“ was all Vaquel was able to get out before the metal cock pushed into her lips. She tried to bite but the metal was unforgiving. The flexible cock entered her mouth and came dangerously close to coming down her throat.
Releif washed over Vaquel. Not that she knew that she wasn’t going to die; she could relax into the cock sucking. She didn’t know if the robot could feel anything but Vaquel was going to try.
The cock in her mouth began to pump in and out. The little shit robot was fucking her mouth! Vaquel started to laugh but then she choked on the cock. The cock of course didn’t stop fucking her mouth.
There was no escape. Vaquel didn’t want to escape. Vaquel’s sex was being fucked with the power and stamina that she could only dream of. The cock in her mouth satisfied her oral urges and she liked watching the smaller robot shake and shudder. This might be the best first contact with an artificial intelligence race ever.
She climaxed again. She came a third time. The two robots gave no sign of slowing down. Vaquel wasn’t sure if she wanted them to.
The wheeled robot squealed a series of beeps. Out of the corner of Vaquel’s eye, she saw another pseudo cock emerge from the hull of the ship. It was disturbingly long, at least half the length of Vaquel’s leg. She really didn’t like how it as dripping some sort of oil. That was a cock that was meant to be used.
The wheeled robot broadcasted another series of beeps. The cock in Vaquel’s mouth retracted as well as the one in her cunt. The smaller robot stepped away as the humanoid robot picked her up by the shoulders.
“There is now way that is going inside me!” Vaquel yelled as she pointed at the wheeled Squix’s cock.
“We are the Squix,” the humanoid robot said. “We are attractive sexual partners waiting for you. Your naming protocol has been selected to receive large amounts of wealth and reduced prices on aphrodisiacs. Please submit and surrender your credit information to this address.”
The Squix pushed Vaquel by the shoulders to towards the wheeled robot. Vaquel’s boots dug in the sand but the Squix was too strong. The wheeled robot revved it’s engines in anticipation of fucking her.
The robot had her shoulders but her hands were free. She reached for her utility belt and tried to think of something that could take these bastards out. Incendiary grenades were useless on things that didn’t burn. Viral grenades were pointless too. She doubted that smoke grenades would slow down robots. A sonic grenade would just give her an ear ache and these metal squealing robots probably wouldn’t notice.
Or would they?
Vaquel had nothing to lose. She activated the sonic grenade. A million thousand different sounds erupted and Vaquel trembled with pain.
The Squix reacted. The smaller robot spun around and fell. The humanoid robot released her and started punching its own head. The wheeled robot opened a weapon port and launched a dozen rockets at the far end of the quarry.
Vaquel smiled. She also ran. Her teeth were aching from the sonic grenade but she carried it with her. It was the only protection she had.
It was a long run back to the ship. Her brown ass was exposed to the sun, her mouth tasted like metal and her sex was bruised in the way that only great sex could bruise. She clutched the sonic grenade with a death grip
Explorer’s Log: I reached the Deep Space Probe and took off immediately. The Squix didn’t chase me and I suspect it is because the sonic grenade flooded their audio receptors with useless information. I realized that a race that relied on audio communication might also receive commands from each other in the same way. It was a gamble but for the sake of my worn out cunt, I am glad it paid off. They may adapt to this in the future but since I have no idea why a group of robots decided that the liked fucking organics in the first place, there is no telling.
Enclosed is my report on the Squix and my recommendations that they be investigated for value to the Queen. If there is a race of artificial intelligence that likes to fuck, then the Queen should be their Mistress. End Explorer’s Log.
Explorer’s Personal Log: I am off to sleep. For the first time since this mission started, I have been fucked to the point of being sated. I am going to sleep well tonight.
I hope that is not the last I see of the Squix.
We are the Squix. We welcome you with open limbs. Engaging diplomats are waiting to talk to you. Share our immense knowledge and resources. We seek interesting races and new relations with other species. If you are in this star system, please report to these coordinates. May unseen deities accompany your fortunes.
I will be landing near those coordinates to scout them out. The message is typical of those naïve races that believe that all species can get along. I will review their defenses and determine the best way to conquer these silly fools. Of course, there is always a tiny chance that this is some sort of trap but I will be ready for them. I haven’t killed anyone in weeks. End Explorer’s Log.
Explorer’s Personal Log: Just because they are stupidly hospitable to strangers is no reason not to take them up on it. I could do with some personal service and Queen knows I could do with a good fuck. I just realized that it has been close to a year since I have had my cunt eaten. Gods damn, that is too long. End Explorer’s Personal Log.
The coordinates were for a rock quarry. Deep Space Explorer Vaquel Di shrugged. Everyone needs rocks. She was expecting a city but all she saw was mining equipment and automated machines.
Vaquel sighed. She was really looking forward to getting laid. She had on her cute purple spacesuit and it was so tight, you could see every inch of her buoyant breasts and her even more gravity defying ass. The glassteel helmet exposed her cute brown face with her short pink bangs. It took her an extra half hour to get her bangs to have that just right bounce of sexy playfulness.
Vaquel walked down the hill towards the quarry. Her scanners weren’t picking up any life signs but they might be inside the mine itself. She was picking up robots although there was only three of them. It seemed like a quarry this size would need more robots.
Even odder was the range of robots. There was a shiny small one that looked like a barrel on two legs. The second robot was as big as a car and rolled around on six wheels. It looked rusted and badly maintained. The third robot was humanoid and pitch black. She didn’t understand their functions at all.
“Hey!” she yelled from the edge of the quarry. “I have come to meet the Squix! Take me to your people! The Squix! Do you understand anything I am saying?”
All three robots stopped what they were doing. The humanoid looked at her and emitted a high pitched series of beeps. The other robots responded with similar beeps. After three seconds, they charged up the quarry slope towards her.
Deep Space Explorers with a trusting attitude get flunked out of the program early on. Vaquel’s natural suspicions took over and she pulled out her plasma pistol. It was the speed of the robots that bothered her. The wheeled robot was coming so fast that it kicked up a shitload of dirt in a hurry to reach her. Even the small robot with stubby legs was tearing up the slope like it was on fire. These robots were way too eager to reach her.
Vaquel fired a warning shot at the ground in front of the wheeled robot. Super heated gas vaporized the dirt but the wheeled robot didn’t slow down. The second shot was aimed for the dead center of the wheeled robot. She smiled as the front of the robot exploded in shrapnel but her smile died as the smoke cleared. The rusty robot hull was damaged but still intact.
“Fuck, it must have be a war robot,” she said. Vaquel turned around and ran as fast as she could.
The robot was faster. It sped past her and then spun in the sand in front of her. A weapons port opened and a long cylinder emerged. Vaquel froze in terror as she waited for the weapon to fire.
The cylinder didn’t fire. In fact, it looked a lot like a cock. Well, a cock designed to ram a large bovine creature, but it was certainly a cock.
Vaquel fired her plasma pistol again. She shot at the cock and it exploded in a cloud of super heated plasma. The robot screeched at her in a burst of fast paced beeps.
“Fuck you, too!” Vaquel yelled back.
She was tackled from behind. The pistol fell from her hand and she cursed at the heavy weight on top of her. It was the black humanoid robot. Her hands were pinned to the sand and the robot’s legs were pinning her knees. She wasn’t going anywhere.
Vaquel still had to try. She twisted and turned but the robot held her tight. The short robot reached her and sat down on her back. She cried out as her breasts were crushed into the sand.
“What do you fucks want?” she yelled.
The black robot no longer needed to pin her wrists. Metal fingers tore through her space suit and ripped it free of her ass. The space suit was designed to withstand tremendous stress but the robot tore through it like it was paper.
Vaquel really wished that she had worn panties for this mission. Her bare ass was exposed to the robots and sand was getting on her cunt.
Another burst of beeps came from the metal robot. Her ass tingled as some sort of scanner took readings of her pelvis. The black robot forced her thighs apart and slipped two warm metal fingers into her cunt.
“Oh shit!” Vaquel yelled. She hated to admit it but the fingers felt great. They were made of metal but the fingers had ten times the dexterity of some of her former lovers. Despite her anger and fear, her cunt was responding with a gush of pleasure.
All three robots streamed their incomprehensible beeps. They were communicating and Vaquel had no idea what they were discussing. What kind of robots penetrate an organic’s cunt anyway?
The humanoid robot removed his fingers and Vaquel felt him kneeling between her legs. The short robot on her chest rose up from her back. Before Vaquel could get up, the short robot’s feet came down on Vaquel’s wrists and pinned them to the sand.
“I demand to see the Squix!” she yelled.
The humanoid robot answered her with a thrust. Something hot, metal and fucking perfect slipped into her cunt. It was the perfect length for her sex. It was the perfect girth. She was filled and she shuddered on the robot’s impalement.
“We are the Squix,” the robot said behind her. “The sum of a vast fortune will be deposited into your accounts. Sexually promiscuous partners will be aroused by your anatomical measurements. Respond to this message to see culturally sensitive body parts forbidden in your area. We are the Squix.”
“Oh shit,” Vaquel moaned. The Squix were an artificial intelligence race. They were rare but they do occur out here in the wilds of space. Rogue robots often infect other robots with their intelligence, duplicating their priorities and objectives among each other like a philosophical virus. No wonder the robots looked so different, they were all converted from their original functions.
The Squix rammed into her. Vaquel moaned at the mechanical precision. The Squix rammed in and out of her with a speed that defied biological limits. She could also feel that the robot was adding lubricant although there was certainly no need. Vaquel’s sex was wet enough for whatever the Squix had planned.
There were sexbots back home of course but Euphorians had little use for sex partners that they could not inflict sadistic desires upon. Vaquel doubted any of the sexbots back home were this good at fucking. The Squix was beeping as it fucked, almost as if it was moaning. Was that even possible? What could a robot possibly get out of sex?
Ten thrusts later, Vaquel didn’t care. She pushed back against his cock. Her body determined his rhythm and matched it. It was the first real fuck that she had in weeks. It may have been the best fuck she had in years. Damn, it might be the best fuck ever. Vaquel was going to get as much as she could from this situation.
After a good long fucking, the humanoid Squix pulled out. Vaquel snarled in anger. “Get back in there!” she commanded.
The Squix beeped at the smaller one and the smaller one let go of her wrists. Freedom was short lived as the humanoid Squix spun her onto her back and spread her legs. The Squix held her legs apart as it re-entered her. Vaquel trembled as the robot’s cock now began to vibrate.
“Glory to the Queen!” Vaquel cried. She climaxed as the robot fucked her without pause. She was relieved that the fucking wasn’t over yet.
The smaller robot stood over her head. A small drill descended from the bottom of the barrel. Vaquel screamed but the Squix kept fucking her. She watched in horror as the drill shattered her nearly invincible glasssteel helmet.
This was not how Vaquel imagined dying. Being screwed by a robot was one thing but getting her face screwed by a drill was entirely different. She reached for one of her weapons on her utility belt but the humanoid Squix grabbed her hands. She screamed as she watched the drill come closer to her face.
The drill retracted. Vaquel let out a sigh of relief until something new snaked out of the bottom of the short robot. The tip was unmistakably a cock.
“What the fu-“ was all Vaquel was able to get out before the metal cock pushed into her lips. She tried to bite but the metal was unforgiving. The flexible cock entered her mouth and came dangerously close to coming down her throat.
Releif washed over Vaquel. Not that she knew that she wasn’t going to die; she could relax into the cock sucking. She didn’t know if the robot could feel anything but Vaquel was going to try.
The cock in her mouth began to pump in and out. The little shit robot was fucking her mouth! Vaquel started to laugh but then she choked on the cock. The cock of course didn’t stop fucking her mouth.
There was no escape. Vaquel didn’t want to escape. Vaquel’s sex was being fucked with the power and stamina that she could only dream of. The cock in her mouth satisfied her oral urges and she liked watching the smaller robot shake and shudder. This might be the best first contact with an artificial intelligence race ever.
She climaxed again. She came a third time. The two robots gave no sign of slowing down. Vaquel wasn’t sure if she wanted them to.
The wheeled robot squealed a series of beeps. Out of the corner of Vaquel’s eye, she saw another pseudo cock emerge from the hull of the ship. It was disturbingly long, at least half the length of Vaquel’s leg. She really didn’t like how it as dripping some sort of oil. That was a cock that was meant to be used.
The wheeled robot broadcasted another series of beeps. The cock in Vaquel’s mouth retracted as well as the one in her cunt. The smaller robot stepped away as the humanoid robot picked her up by the shoulders.
“There is now way that is going inside me!” Vaquel yelled as she pointed at the wheeled Squix’s cock.
“We are the Squix,” the humanoid robot said. “We are attractive sexual partners waiting for you. Your naming protocol has been selected to receive large amounts of wealth and reduced prices on aphrodisiacs. Please submit and surrender your credit information to this address.”
The Squix pushed Vaquel by the shoulders to towards the wheeled robot. Vaquel’s boots dug in the sand but the Squix was too strong. The wheeled robot revved it’s engines in anticipation of fucking her.
The robot had her shoulders but her hands were free. She reached for her utility belt and tried to think of something that could take these bastards out. Incendiary grenades were useless on things that didn’t burn. Viral grenades were pointless too. She doubted that smoke grenades would slow down robots. A sonic grenade would just give her an ear ache and these metal squealing robots probably wouldn’t notice.
Or would they?
Vaquel had nothing to lose. She activated the sonic grenade. A million thousand different sounds erupted and Vaquel trembled with pain.
The Squix reacted. The smaller robot spun around and fell. The humanoid robot released her and started punching its own head. The wheeled robot opened a weapon port and launched a dozen rockets at the far end of the quarry.
Vaquel smiled. She also ran. Her teeth were aching from the sonic grenade but she carried it with her. It was the only protection she had.
It was a long run back to the ship. Her brown ass was exposed to the sun, her mouth tasted like metal and her sex was bruised in the way that only great sex could bruise. She clutched the sonic grenade with a death grip
Explorer’s Log: I reached the Deep Space Probe and took off immediately. The Squix didn’t chase me and I suspect it is because the sonic grenade flooded their audio receptors with useless information. I realized that a race that relied on audio communication might also receive commands from each other in the same way. It was a gamble but for the sake of my worn out cunt, I am glad it paid off. They may adapt to this in the future but since I have no idea why a group of robots decided that the liked fucking organics in the first place, there is no telling.
Enclosed is my report on the Squix and my recommendations that they be investigated for value to the Queen. If there is a race of artificial intelligence that likes to fuck, then the Queen should be their Mistress. End Explorer’s Log.
Explorer’s Personal Log: I am off to sleep. For the first time since this mission started, I have been fucked to the point of being sated. I am going to sleep well tonight.
I hope that is not the last I see of the Squix.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Dirty Books: Doktormentor #1
Doktor Mentor by Shh3D Productions is a comic book about a crazed surgeon who operates on the hypersexual women of a lady's prison. The doctor is operating in secret within the bowels of the prison and kidnaps prisoners who catch his fancy. I say comic book but all the panels are photographs with word balloons. It is like a storyboard for the most fucked up softcore b-movie you have never seen.What makes this book really special is how ludicrous it is. Everything is done for laughs and it is one of the few titillation stories I have read that had me laughing out loud when I was supposed to. Despite the torture porn premise, this is really bondage/distress slapstick with rather cool sets and props.
A lot of love and comedy went into this comic. The girls are hot and they get naked a lot, but it is the writing that is the real star. I would buy this for the story alone.
As an added feature, there is a bonus story in 3-D. Tits, funny writing and 3-D? All it is missing is popcorn and 64 ounces of soda to complete the b-movie experience.
I give it three out of five Pam Griers.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The Quantum Cancer
I talked to my oncologist on Thursday and it was a nice long talk. One thing I have noticed is that more specialized a doctor is, the more time he has to chat. Primary Physicians give you less time than the drive thru window at Sonic but the cancer doctor spent an hour talking to me.
He broke it down like this. My nad had a tumor growing in it that hulked it out. The tumor didn't break through the nad which is good, but there were some cancer cells by the blood vessels that go to the lymph nodes, which is bad.
How bad? It depends. My CT scan didn't reveal anything but that could mean that the cancer is inside my lymph nodes and not causing any visible signs. That could mean a few thousand cells escaped which could be killed by my body without help. OR it could mean that a few million cells are in there happily multiplying and working their way up to a tumor.
I have two options. I can spend two years doing regular tests to see if the cancer has returned. If it don't, that's great. If it does show up, oops, it will be harder to kill because it had time to grow.
The other option is to go through two rounds of chemo, lose some hair, undergo some nausea and other side effects and have a 99% chance of killing anything that escaped.
As a writer I think of loose uncertain ends as guaranteed plot twists later. If I wrote that a character had a small chance of cancer returning, you best beleive the cancer is returning at a very plot dramatic moment. The idea of not pulling the trigger and exterminating all cancer seems foolish. On the other hand, chemo is a hell of a trigger.
I am still waiting back on some blood tests. Funny enough, it is a pregnancy marker. If I had a womb it would mean a bundle of joy but since I am a man it means a bundle of terror. It was pretty high pre-nad removal and was pretty low post-nad removal but it needs to be like zero. When I get the blood results from Thursday, it will give us a better idea of whether I have a little cancer terrorist in me.
Either way I haven't decided which to do. My brain says go for the chemo but my heart is like, "Hasn't 2012 sucked enough already?" I am sure I will pick chemo but right now I want a few more results.
He broke it down like this. My nad had a tumor growing in it that hulked it out. The tumor didn't break through the nad which is good, but there were some cancer cells by the blood vessels that go to the lymph nodes, which is bad.
How bad? It depends. My CT scan didn't reveal anything but that could mean that the cancer is inside my lymph nodes and not causing any visible signs. That could mean a few thousand cells escaped which could be killed by my body without help. OR it could mean that a few million cells are in there happily multiplying and working their way up to a tumor.
I have two options. I can spend two years doing regular tests to see if the cancer has returned. If it don't, that's great. If it does show up, oops, it will be harder to kill because it had time to grow.
The other option is to go through two rounds of chemo, lose some hair, undergo some nausea and other side effects and have a 99% chance of killing anything that escaped.
As a writer I think of loose uncertain ends as guaranteed plot twists later. If I wrote that a character had a small chance of cancer returning, you best beleive the cancer is returning at a very plot dramatic moment. The idea of not pulling the trigger and exterminating all cancer seems foolish. On the other hand, chemo is a hell of a trigger.
I am still waiting back on some blood tests. Funny enough, it is a pregnancy marker. If I had a womb it would mean a bundle of joy but since I am a man it means a bundle of terror. It was pretty high pre-nad removal and was pretty low post-nad removal but it needs to be like zero. When I get the blood results from Thursday, it will give us a better idea of whether I have a little cancer terrorist in me.
Either way I haven't decided which to do. My brain says go for the chemo but my heart is like, "Hasn't 2012 sucked enough already?" I am sure I will pick chemo but right now I want a few more results.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Fiction: A Dancer Saved My Life
It started with tears. Catalina, that beautiful magic woman that Eric would give his life for, was crying in the hotel bed.
“What’s the matter?” Eric said. He held her as she cried. No, she was wailing. She was wailing like a teenager with a broken heart.
As it turns out, that was exactly the problem.
~~~
The music was loud. It was too loud to make out the words. Eric could feel the beat though. It pulsed and pounded inside his heart like a drum summoning him to battle. No, it was summoning him to fuck. Wait, it was summoning him to dance.
The beat moved his hips. The beat guided his shoulders. He moved his head back and forth to a rhythm that seemed almost obvious to him. The music was a pattern that told his body what to do. Eric danced and nothing could have been easier.
How could he have never noticed this before? Dancing was simple. It was pure. It was like being told to move your right leg and you just had to obey.
Eric danced. The music flowed through his body. He still couldn’t hear the words but the felt the song. It was a song about fucking. Things were uncertain but in the end, someone would get laid.
Eric sang along to the music and he still didn’t know the words.
~~~
“Someone is going to have their heart broken,” Catalina said. “Someone so young and intense that when their heart is broken, they will never truly be happy again.”
Eric listened. Catalina was a Voluptumancer. It was sort of like a witch, except all of her magic was about sex. From anyone else, it would sound like sentimental horoscope crap but from Catalina, it meant exactly what she said. Someone was about to have their heart broken so badly that Catalina could feel it happening hours before it did.
“We have to stop it,” Catalina said. “No one should be that sad.”
She looked up at Eric.
“You will have to help her. You will have to go to the dance club.”
~~~
Eric found the girl with the broken heart. Tears had ruined her mascara. She had blonde hair with a shock of red that her mother probably hated but that the ex boyfriend had called cool. She was dancing with the abandon of one that will never love again.
They didn’t know anything about the breakup except it happened here in the dance club. Catalina said all dance clubs were temples to magic and here the girl had lost her faith in love. Maybe he dumped her. Perhaps he had cheated on her. Whatever happened, it happened on the dance floor.
That is where it needed to be healed.
He couldn’t believe how young she looked. She had her whole world ahead of her and she couldn’t see it. The rest of her life would be one sad track after another.
“Fuck that,” Eric said.
~~~
“I can’t dance,” Eric said.
“Men always say that,” Catalina said. “No man ever claims that he can’t fuck. They have the desire to fuck and to them, that is the same as being able to fuck. Dancing is the same way.”
“So you are saying that I should want to dance and I’ll be able to?”
“No,” Catalina said. “Wanting to dance just means that you can dance without caring if you are good at it. If you want to be good at dancing, you need to practice, loosen up and learn to follow the music. Since we have one night to save the heart of a girl, we’re going to cheat.”
Eric watched her lift his shirt and squat down in front of him. His cock throbbed like it always did when Catalina was near it. Instead of touching his bulge, she planted a kiss on his hip. He didn’t feel anything until she kissed the other hip. That was when he felt the electrical pulsing connecting both hips.
“What did you do?” he asked.
“I have invited a spirit into your body,” Catalina said. “They usually haunt dance clubs but this one will let you posses it for the evening.”
“Don’t you mean that it will possess me?” Eric said.
Catalina smiled. “I know what I said.”
~~~~
He could feel the power of the beat. He wasn’t just dancing great, he was feeling great. He felt free. He felt liberated after years of not knowing he was a slave. Eric wanted to share that happiness with everyone. This one night, he loved the world, even that dick asshole that broke this girl’s heart.
He wove through the crowd. He made his way beside her, never breaking his dance.
“Hey!” he yelled beside her.
“Hey,” she answered back. It was reflex. She blinked back tears and tried to put on that uncaring face that every clubber had to learn. Her heart was broken but for this stranger, she would pretend to be cooler than she was.
Eric didn’t care. He danced towards her. His body moved but his eyes were on her. He smiled the smile of a man who has nothing to lose but still expects to win.
There was a hint of a smile on her lips but they faded. She was still distant. In fact, she was slowing down. She was going to walk off the dance floor.
The music changed. It was an angry song. It was a call to revolution but a revolution with a nice hook and a catchy chorus with a hint of some heavy petting later.
Eric could use this. He grabbed her hand and ignored the shocked look on her face. He realized that what he was doing could technically get him kicked out of the club but his hips refused to believe that. He believed in the beat.
He placed a hand on her hips. Her eyes widened as the pulse in his hips arced through his arm and touched her hips. Now she was dancing with the same rhythmic perfection as him.
“My name is Eric,” he said.
“Jessica,” she said. She was smiling now.
They danced. The music blew around them and their bodies vibrated in response.
Eric knew that other people were on the dance floor but he could only see Jessica. The beat was inside her and her body proved it. Her hips didn’t move, they flowed. He watched her breasts jiggled with every shake of her shoulders. She moved her neck with the ease of a serpent. Jessica didn’t move to the music, the music moved to her.
The song changed. It was about sex.
Jessica pulled him closer. Their hips joined. His leg was between hers and her leg was between his. He looked down into her eyes and saw the lust there.
They grinded together. Eric groaned as he felt his cock engulfed in heat. The look in Jessica’s eyes told him that something similar had happened to her. They both glanced down but no, they still had pants on. There was no denying however that he was inside her.
Eric didn’t understand. He kept dancing and felt his cock slip in and out of her.
Jessica moaned and bit her lip. He noticed that she didn’t stop dancing either.
They danced. They fucked. Eric wondered if it was the same thing.
He wondered if Catalina knew this would happen. He thought of the Voluptumancer and knew there was no way that she couldn’t. Funny how she neglected to mention it.
He didn’t care. The song was playing and he just wanted to dance. He didn’t know how he could feel inside Jessica but he didn’t care. He didn’t want the song to end. He wanted to dance with Jessica forever.
She climaxed. He held her up as she shuddered but he noticed her hips kept moving.
Jessica climaxed again. He felt her contract around his cock as the singer ended a long note. The song shifted to the pure music of synthesizers and drum machines.
They fucked.
They danced.
They fucked.
They danced.
They fucked.
They danced.
The singer returned to the song as Eric climaxed. He felt his seed leave his cock but there was no rush of sticky heat to his pants. The shuddering moan of Jessica told him where it went.
The song ended. They both stopped dancing and held onto each other for support. Another song started but they didn’t move.
“What was that?” Jessica said.
Eric looked her in the eyes. “Have you ever felt it before?” he said.
“No,” Jessica said. Her cheeks were flushed. The tracks of her mascara still showed her tears but her eyes were happy. She was beaming with happiness.
“That’s living,” Eric said. “Just a good dance with a good partner.”
“Cool,” she said. And she walked away.
Eric was stunned. He thought she would want to stay with him. After having her heart broken, shouldn’t she want to be with him?
Then he saw her dance. She was so damn good it hurt to look at her. He tried to move with the music and he did, but not as good as before. She had the beat.
He left the club. Catalina was waiting outside. He went to her and kissed her as hard as he could. He was happy for Jessica but he loved Catalina.
“Good job,” she said. His lips were tingling from how hard they had kissed.
“Come on,” he said. “I want to dance with you.”
“What’s the matter?” Eric said. He held her as she cried. No, she was wailing. She was wailing like a teenager with a broken heart.
As it turns out, that was exactly the problem.
~~~
The music was loud. It was too loud to make out the words. Eric could feel the beat though. It pulsed and pounded inside his heart like a drum summoning him to battle. No, it was summoning him to fuck. Wait, it was summoning him to dance.
The beat moved his hips. The beat guided his shoulders. He moved his head back and forth to a rhythm that seemed almost obvious to him. The music was a pattern that told his body what to do. Eric danced and nothing could have been easier.
How could he have never noticed this before? Dancing was simple. It was pure. It was like being told to move your right leg and you just had to obey.
Eric danced. The music flowed through his body. He still couldn’t hear the words but the felt the song. It was a song about fucking. Things were uncertain but in the end, someone would get laid.
Eric sang along to the music and he still didn’t know the words.
~~~
“Someone is going to have their heart broken,” Catalina said. “Someone so young and intense that when their heart is broken, they will never truly be happy again.”
Eric listened. Catalina was a Voluptumancer. It was sort of like a witch, except all of her magic was about sex. From anyone else, it would sound like sentimental horoscope crap but from Catalina, it meant exactly what she said. Someone was about to have their heart broken so badly that Catalina could feel it happening hours before it did.
“We have to stop it,” Catalina said. “No one should be that sad.”
She looked up at Eric.
“You will have to help her. You will have to go to the dance club.”
~~~
Eric found the girl with the broken heart. Tears had ruined her mascara. She had blonde hair with a shock of red that her mother probably hated but that the ex boyfriend had called cool. She was dancing with the abandon of one that will never love again.
They didn’t know anything about the breakup except it happened here in the dance club. Catalina said all dance clubs were temples to magic and here the girl had lost her faith in love. Maybe he dumped her. Perhaps he had cheated on her. Whatever happened, it happened on the dance floor.
That is where it needed to be healed.
He couldn’t believe how young she looked. She had her whole world ahead of her and she couldn’t see it. The rest of her life would be one sad track after another.
“Fuck that,” Eric said.
~~~
“I can’t dance,” Eric said.
“Men always say that,” Catalina said. “No man ever claims that he can’t fuck. They have the desire to fuck and to them, that is the same as being able to fuck. Dancing is the same way.”
“So you are saying that I should want to dance and I’ll be able to?”
“No,” Catalina said. “Wanting to dance just means that you can dance without caring if you are good at it. If you want to be good at dancing, you need to practice, loosen up and learn to follow the music. Since we have one night to save the heart of a girl, we’re going to cheat.”
Eric watched her lift his shirt and squat down in front of him. His cock throbbed like it always did when Catalina was near it. Instead of touching his bulge, she planted a kiss on his hip. He didn’t feel anything until she kissed the other hip. That was when he felt the electrical pulsing connecting both hips.
“What did you do?” he asked.
“I have invited a spirit into your body,” Catalina said. “They usually haunt dance clubs but this one will let you posses it for the evening.”
“Don’t you mean that it will possess me?” Eric said.
Catalina smiled. “I know what I said.”
~~~~
He could feel the power of the beat. He wasn’t just dancing great, he was feeling great. He felt free. He felt liberated after years of not knowing he was a slave. Eric wanted to share that happiness with everyone. This one night, he loved the world, even that dick asshole that broke this girl’s heart.
He wove through the crowd. He made his way beside her, never breaking his dance.
“Hey!” he yelled beside her.
“Hey,” she answered back. It was reflex. She blinked back tears and tried to put on that uncaring face that every clubber had to learn. Her heart was broken but for this stranger, she would pretend to be cooler than she was.
Eric didn’t care. He danced towards her. His body moved but his eyes were on her. He smiled the smile of a man who has nothing to lose but still expects to win.
There was a hint of a smile on her lips but they faded. She was still distant. In fact, she was slowing down. She was going to walk off the dance floor.
The music changed. It was an angry song. It was a call to revolution but a revolution with a nice hook and a catchy chorus with a hint of some heavy petting later.
Eric could use this. He grabbed her hand and ignored the shocked look on her face. He realized that what he was doing could technically get him kicked out of the club but his hips refused to believe that. He believed in the beat.
He placed a hand on her hips. Her eyes widened as the pulse in his hips arced through his arm and touched her hips. Now she was dancing with the same rhythmic perfection as him.
“My name is Eric,” he said.
“Jessica,” she said. She was smiling now.
They danced. The music blew around them and their bodies vibrated in response.
Eric knew that other people were on the dance floor but he could only see Jessica. The beat was inside her and her body proved it. Her hips didn’t move, they flowed. He watched her breasts jiggled with every shake of her shoulders. She moved her neck with the ease of a serpent. Jessica didn’t move to the music, the music moved to her.
The song changed. It was about sex.
Jessica pulled him closer. Their hips joined. His leg was between hers and her leg was between his. He looked down into her eyes and saw the lust there.
They grinded together. Eric groaned as he felt his cock engulfed in heat. The look in Jessica’s eyes told him that something similar had happened to her. They both glanced down but no, they still had pants on. There was no denying however that he was inside her.
Eric didn’t understand. He kept dancing and felt his cock slip in and out of her.
Jessica moaned and bit her lip. He noticed that she didn’t stop dancing either.
They danced. They fucked. Eric wondered if it was the same thing.
He wondered if Catalina knew this would happen. He thought of the Voluptumancer and knew there was no way that she couldn’t. Funny how she neglected to mention it.
He didn’t care. The song was playing and he just wanted to dance. He didn’t know how he could feel inside Jessica but he didn’t care. He didn’t want the song to end. He wanted to dance with Jessica forever.
She climaxed. He held her up as she shuddered but he noticed her hips kept moving.
Jessica climaxed again. He felt her contract around his cock as the singer ended a long note. The song shifted to the pure music of synthesizers and drum machines.
They fucked.
They danced.
They fucked.
They danced.
They fucked.
They danced.
The singer returned to the song as Eric climaxed. He felt his seed leave his cock but there was no rush of sticky heat to his pants. The shuddering moan of Jessica told him where it went.
The song ended. They both stopped dancing and held onto each other for support. Another song started but they didn’t move.
“What was that?” Jessica said.
Eric looked her in the eyes. “Have you ever felt it before?” he said.
“No,” Jessica said. Her cheeks were flushed. The tracks of her mascara still showed her tears but her eyes were happy. She was beaming with happiness.
“That’s living,” Eric said. “Just a good dance with a good partner.”
“Cool,” she said. And she walked away.
Eric was stunned. He thought she would want to stay with him. After having her heart broken, shouldn’t she want to be with him?
Then he saw her dance. She was so damn good it hurt to look at her. He tried to move with the music and he did, but not as good as before. She had the beat.
He left the club. Catalina was waiting outside. He went to her and kissed her as hard as he could. He was happy for Jessica but he loved Catalina.
“Good job,” she said. His lips were tingling from how hard they had kissed.
“Come on,” he said. “I want to dance with you.”
Friday, February 10, 2012
Revenge of the Giant Nad
The urologist reports that the Giant Nad was cancerous. It didn't have any visible branches into other organs or blood vessels so there is a chance that it was all removed when the Giant Nad was removed.
On Monday I go to get a mess of body CAT scans to see if they can find signs of the cancer anywhere else. If that is the case, then it will be chemo treatments.
I was a bit disappointed to not be issued a cancer ribbon right then and there but apparently you have to buy that yourself. I might commission an artist to do it.
In my mind I knew that it was 99.9% likely it was cancer but it is a weird world and I have learned not to dread anything until it is right in my face. Cancer is in my face now and although there is a very high chance that it is already gone, the more successful strategy is to assume it is not and search for it.
Mortality is a funny thing. I find myself thinking about the book I am working on where seven magnificent female gunslingers in the wild west band together to fight vampires. From that start of that novel, I knew some of those characters were going to die and now I feel like I have something in common with them. I worry that the cancer anxiety will impact the quality of my writing and I feel a strange obligation to the characters to do the best job possible. We all only get one chance to tell our story.
I am feeling pretty morbid so I will stop here before I start sounding like one of the replicants from Blade Runner. As always, I appreciate the kind words and warm thoughts that you have shared with me these past few weeks. It means a lot to me and is more of a comfort than you could ever imagine.
On Monday I go to get a mess of body CAT scans to see if they can find signs of the cancer anywhere else. If that is the case, then it will be chemo treatments.
I was a bit disappointed to not be issued a cancer ribbon right then and there but apparently you have to buy that yourself. I might commission an artist to do it.
In my mind I knew that it was 99.9% likely it was cancer but it is a weird world and I have learned not to dread anything until it is right in my face. Cancer is in my face now and although there is a very high chance that it is already gone, the more successful strategy is to assume it is not and search for it.
Mortality is a funny thing. I find myself thinking about the book I am working on where seven magnificent female gunslingers in the wild west band together to fight vampires. From that start of that novel, I knew some of those characters were going to die and now I feel like I have something in common with them. I worry that the cancer anxiety will impact the quality of my writing and I feel a strange obligation to the characters to do the best job possible. We all only get one chance to tell our story.
I am feeling pretty morbid so I will stop here before I start sounding like one of the replicants from Blade Runner. As always, I appreciate the kind words and warm thoughts that you have shared with me these past few weeks. It means a lot to me and is more of a comfort than you could ever imagine.
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
Fiction: Space Hump
Explorer’s Log: I am stopping the Deep Space Probe for a maintenance check. I am currently two week’s travel away the star system designated Bounce of the Queen’s Ass, by Royal Astronomers. Thrust speed has dropped by eight percent and there is no hot water in the hygienic pod. I expect it is a problem with one of the solar sails and I will be going on a spacewalk to investigate. End Explorer’s Log.
Explorer’s Personal Log: That lack of hot water is definitely a problem but not as bad as the fact that the pulse function on my shower head was inoperable. Fuck, if I don’t start my day with an orgasm in the hygienic pod, then I am cranky the rest of the day cycle. This is unacceptable. End Explorer’s Personal Log.
Vaquel Di stood on the outside of her Probe Ship. The deep purple hull of the ship glowed in the darkness of space. Thousands of stars twinkled around her, watching silently as Vaquel slowly walked towards the solar sails.
There was no one around for light years but Vaquel still took the time to look good. The white spacesuit that she wore clung to every curve of her round breasts and her rounder ass. She put on pink lipstick that matched the color of her hair. Her short pink hair floated in zero gravity inside her glassteel helmet. Maybe it was her constant state of horniness but Vaquel treated every day as a chance to meet someone new. If the impossible happened and someone did appear then she was going to look good enough to fuck.
No one appeared. Vaquel slowly walked the hull of her ship. The magnet locks in her boots kept her attached to the hull but it was slow going. It gave her plenty of time to speculate on how optimistic it was to not wear panties under her spacesuit.
Vaquel found the problem right away. One of the solar sails was dark which meant it wasn’t connected to the rest of the ship. The conduit fin next to it was shaking back and forth against the hull. It must have come loose during the last lift off. It was an easy fix.
She bent down to grab the conduit fin. As soon as her hands touched the fin, she felt the powerful vibrations that had shook it loose. The conduit fin must attach directly to one of the life support. Even at a dead stop in space, the life support engines were cranking at full power. The vibrations were so strong that it shook her entire body.
“Praise the Queen,” Vaquel said. She could use this.
The explorer carefully swung one leg of the conduit fin. As the stars sparkled around her, Vaquel mounted the fin. The magnetic boots locked her in place as she lowered herself onto the vibrating fin.
“Fuck,” Vaquel groaned. The thin material of her spacesuit could keep out cosmic rays, Xorian particles and the malign influence of the Space Vampire, but it offered zero resistance to vibrations. Vaquel’s cunt appreciated that.
The vibrations of the conduit made it hard to hold onto with her hands so Vaquel just had to lower herself onto it. Her thighs straddled the vibration piece of the hull and the magnetic boots kept her from flying off into space. The strength of the vibrations shook her entire body and Vaquel groaned as her nipples hardened against her tight suit.
She didn’t need another person to appear now. If a group of space traveling humanoids with multiple cocks appeared right now, she might shoot them for interrupting her. The horny explorer rubbed against the conduit fin with passionate abandon.
The stars watched her silently. The vastness of space embraced her as she humped the malfunctioning hull part. Millions of miles separated her from any living thing but Vaquel didn’t care. For one brief moment, she treasured the isolation. She wasn’t sure that would be performing such a decadent act upon herself if someone was watching.
Vaquel moaned. She grabbed her tits with both hands. The sheer spacesuit material was almost as good as wearing nothing at all. Her fingers found her nipples and pinched with all of Vaquel’s passion. Vaquel squeezed her breasts as the conduit fin provided more vibrating pleasure for her cunt.
She humped the conduit. With the magnetic boots securing her to the hull, Vaquel was able to dance and grind with as much wild gyrations as her cunt desired. She humped fast. She humped slow. Her hips twisted and spun in order to get every last sensation she craved.
Vaquel screamed her orgasm.
In space, no one can hear her come.
Explorer’s Personal Log: That lack of hot water is definitely a problem but not as bad as the fact that the pulse function on my shower head was inoperable. Fuck, if I don’t start my day with an orgasm in the hygienic pod, then I am cranky the rest of the day cycle. This is unacceptable. End Explorer’s Personal Log.
Vaquel Di stood on the outside of her Probe Ship. The deep purple hull of the ship glowed in the darkness of space. Thousands of stars twinkled around her, watching silently as Vaquel slowly walked towards the solar sails.
There was no one around for light years but Vaquel still took the time to look good. The white spacesuit that she wore clung to every curve of her round breasts and her rounder ass. She put on pink lipstick that matched the color of her hair. Her short pink hair floated in zero gravity inside her glassteel helmet. Maybe it was her constant state of horniness but Vaquel treated every day as a chance to meet someone new. If the impossible happened and someone did appear then she was going to look good enough to fuck.
No one appeared. Vaquel slowly walked the hull of her ship. The magnet locks in her boots kept her attached to the hull but it was slow going. It gave her plenty of time to speculate on how optimistic it was to not wear panties under her spacesuit.
Vaquel found the problem right away. One of the solar sails was dark which meant it wasn’t connected to the rest of the ship. The conduit fin next to it was shaking back and forth against the hull. It must have come loose during the last lift off. It was an easy fix.
She bent down to grab the conduit fin. As soon as her hands touched the fin, she felt the powerful vibrations that had shook it loose. The conduit fin must attach directly to one of the life support. Even at a dead stop in space, the life support engines were cranking at full power. The vibrations were so strong that it shook her entire body.
“Praise the Queen,” Vaquel said. She could use this.
The explorer carefully swung one leg of the conduit fin. As the stars sparkled around her, Vaquel mounted the fin. The magnetic boots locked her in place as she lowered herself onto the vibrating fin.
“Fuck,” Vaquel groaned. The thin material of her spacesuit could keep out cosmic rays, Xorian particles and the malign influence of the Space Vampire, but it offered zero resistance to vibrations. Vaquel’s cunt appreciated that.
The vibrations of the conduit made it hard to hold onto with her hands so Vaquel just had to lower herself onto it. Her thighs straddled the vibration piece of the hull and the magnetic boots kept her from flying off into space. The strength of the vibrations shook her entire body and Vaquel groaned as her nipples hardened against her tight suit.
She didn’t need another person to appear now. If a group of space traveling humanoids with multiple cocks appeared right now, she might shoot them for interrupting her. The horny explorer rubbed against the conduit fin with passionate abandon.
The stars watched her silently. The vastness of space embraced her as she humped the malfunctioning hull part. Millions of miles separated her from any living thing but Vaquel didn’t care. For one brief moment, she treasured the isolation. She wasn’t sure that would be performing such a decadent act upon herself if someone was watching.
Vaquel moaned. She grabbed her tits with both hands. The sheer spacesuit material was almost as good as wearing nothing at all. Her fingers found her nipples and pinched with all of Vaquel’s passion. Vaquel squeezed her breasts as the conduit fin provided more vibrating pleasure for her cunt.
She humped the conduit. With the magnetic boots securing her to the hull, Vaquel was able to dance and grind with as much wild gyrations as her cunt desired. She humped fast. She humped slow. Her hips twisted and spun in order to get every last sensation she craved.
Vaquel screamed her orgasm.
In space, no one can hear her come.
Friday, February 03, 2012
Fall of the Giant Nad
I am back from surgery. My crotch hurts and it hurts worse when I laugh which to a guy like me is like every two minutes.
The surgeon says everything went fine and a crack team of scientists are looking at my giant nad and will have a report sometime next week.
I am going to go zone out and find something really unfunny to watch on tv. Which could be an Adam Sandler marathon. Oh snap!
The surgeon says everything went fine and a crack team of scientists are looking at my giant nad and will have a report sometime next week.
I am going to go zone out and find something really unfunny to watch on tv. Which could be an Adam Sandler marathon. Oh snap!
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Giant Nad Removal FAQ
I am going to answer some of the more common questions about my Giant Nad.
Who the what now?: Last Thursday I noticed that my right nad was the size of a tennis ball. A trip to the doctor was followed by a trip to the uruologist and said that thing has got to go. Tomorrow on Friday morning, I will be going into surgery to have my giant nad removed.
Motherfuck!:I know, right? Apparently a nad never becomes giant unless something seriously wrong is going on. Ultrasounds show that it is a solid mass so it is probably cancer. We won't know until they remove the Giant Nad and it is sent for analysis, I am assuming by Science Officer Spock.
Does having a giant nad hurt?: Oddly, no. It is in the fucking way though. I am sitting here with my legs spread like a porn star because any tighter and I will be smashing my nad.
Holy shit! Are they going to cut your nad out with that castration machine from the cheesy science fiction movie, Ice Pirates?:
That was what I was thinking! No, what they do is far nastier sounding. They will cut my abdomen and pull on some muscle that connects to my nad. They will fish my nad out through my bell and snip it.
Jesus Fucking Christ!: The Doctor promised me that it will only hurt "A whole heck of a lot" and that I will have lots of pain killers.
Since they are taking your goddamn nad, you get like a week in the hospital right?: Nope, it is out patient. You pop in, they pop the nad out, you go home.
When are you becoming half a man?: My surgery is at 7 in the morning but I need to be there 1.5 hours early to fill out paperwork. Yes, losing a nad requires so much paperwork.
How will we know if you're alright?: My wife will tweet that I am still kicking when we get home. I may be unconcious or high on pain killers at the time.
We still get a new story next Wednesday, right?: Yes because porn waits for no nads.
Ask me anything I missed in comments.
Who the what now?: Last Thursday I noticed that my right nad was the size of a tennis ball. A trip to the doctor was followed by a trip to the uruologist and said that thing has got to go. Tomorrow on Friday morning, I will be going into surgery to have my giant nad removed.
Motherfuck!:I know, right? Apparently a nad never becomes giant unless something seriously wrong is going on. Ultrasounds show that it is a solid mass so it is probably cancer. We won't know until they remove the Giant Nad and it is sent for analysis, I am assuming by Science Officer Spock.
Does having a giant nad hurt?: Oddly, no. It is in the fucking way though. I am sitting here with my legs spread like a porn star because any tighter and I will be smashing my nad.
Holy shit! Are they going to cut your nad out with that castration machine from the cheesy science fiction movie, Ice Pirates?:
That was what I was thinking! No, what they do is far nastier sounding. They will cut my abdomen and pull on some muscle that connects to my nad. They will fish my nad out through my bell and snip it.
Jesus Fucking Christ!: The Doctor promised me that it will only hurt "A whole heck of a lot" and that I will have lots of pain killers.
Since they are taking your goddamn nad, you get like a week in the hospital right?: Nope, it is out patient. You pop in, they pop the nad out, you go home.
When are you becoming half a man?: My surgery is at 7 in the morning but I need to be there 1.5 hours early to fill out paperwork. Yes, losing a nad requires so much paperwork.
How will we know if you're alright?: My wife will tweet that I am still kicking when we get home. I may be unconcious or high on pain killers at the time.
We still get a new story next Wednesday, right?: Yes because porn waits for no nads.
Ask me anything I missed in comments.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Fiction: Run
They bring me out to the arena and the crowd goes wild. I am Pandal Sor, the man who almost killed Queen Erishella. The nasty citizens of Euphoria scream insults at the man who tried to kill their Queen. They shout abuse so loud that it turns into a deafening indecipherable roar.
The crowd cheers as the guards strip my clothes from me. They gasp at the horrible scars on my body though they do not know that a cosmetic surgeon added some of the more horrible looking injuries. I tried to plant a bomb on the Queen’s bedroom; the citizens want to be believed that I have been abused properly for this crime.
My cock is limp but the guards fix that. A quick shot of Fuckitone in the thigh and my cock surges to life. My balls tingle with a fierce desire to ejaculate. My own mind forgets the crowd and I think about fucking. Man or woman, my cock just wants to bury itself in something.
The arena is filled with barriers and places to hide. At the other end of the arena was Queen Erishella herself. She was naked on a rug of Delonean Beast fur. The Queen was stroking the thick mass of her pubic hair while a giant vidscreen above her broadcast her masturbation to the entire crowd.
I look at the vidscreen and my cock throbs. I am going to fuck that. I still want to kill her, but if I make it across the arena, then I am allowed ten minutes with her. I am also allowed my freedom and a handsome reward of credits.
I plan to fuck her and kill her. With the Fuckitone coursing through my body, I am not particular about what I do first.
My body leans forward to start running. The guards grab my arms. They don’t want this sick game to begin just yet.
The announcers begin to list the names of those who will try to stop me. Thirty lucky audience members were chosen at random and escorted to thirty sniper towers. Each is being given a high accuracy Laser Rifle with barely adequate targeting scopes. Their chances of hitting me are remote, but then if they do, they are promised cash prizes and a trip to a Pleasure Palace.
Along with the thirty lucky audience members are ten elite sharpshooters chosen from the Queen’s Army. It is considered a great honor to be chosen.
If I make it the Queen, the unlucky audience members and the sharpshooters will be executed in various painful ways. That has never happened.
Yet.
There is a chime and the guards release me. I am running instantly. The Fuckitone is filling my mind with thoughts of cunt, ass, tits and Queen Erishella. I want to fuck. The giant vidscreen tells me where to run and taunts me with close-ups of the queen fingering her pussy.
Yes bitch, get it wet and ready for me.
The ground beside me sizzles from a missed laser shot. I remember the sharpshooters and duck towards a barrier wall. The barriers are barely as tall as me, just so a very lucky headshot can still happen. The barriers are also placed rather randomly and only extend for a few feet. It creates a maze that both hinders and protects me.
I hear the barrier crackle as dozens of shots slam into it. I imagine it is the unskilled audience members firing. The sharpshooters will take their time.
My training as an assassin comes to mind. I should be running in a crouch. I should be running in an erratic manner. I should duck and weave.
Fuck it. I’m too horny. That Slut Queen Erishella is pumping three fingers into her cunt when it should be my cock.
I run faster. My cock bounces between my legs, eager to defile that bitch.
Ten minutes is all they will give me when I reach her. Ten minutes to choke the life out of her with my bare hands as my cock rams her pussy. Ten long minutes as I bend her over and fuck her ass like she has fucked the asses of other kingdoms. Ten long glorious minutes to break her neck as I fuck her senseless.
I’m getting closer.
More laser shots miss. One burns my arm with a near hit. The sharpshooters are firing. They are getting nervous because I am so close.
Despite my urge to fuck, some part of my survival instincts kick in. I hug the barrier wall before sprinting to the safety of another barrier. I jump for no reason and laugh as laser shots pepper the ground.
I am so close to the Queen that I can smell her.
The crowd is screaming. I have come farther than anyone else has. Their cruel game of offering me their Queen now seems foolhardy. There is fear in the crowd’s roar and it just makes me cock harder.
Ten yards away. The Queen is on her back. Her knees are spread wide. Her right hand is stroking twice as fast as I am running.
I hear a shot and my ear hurts. Another near miss.
Another few yards a shot hits the ground in front of me.
Another yard and a shot comes so close to my cock that it singes the hairs on my balls.
I am so fucking close. I jump in the air. I dive down onto her body.
The Queen smiles at me. Her long black hair forms a dark halo around her head on the fur rug. She licks her lips as I dive down onto her.
Her left hand has a laser pistol. She fires at me while her other hand keeps masturbating.
The shot goes through my neck. Queen Erishella rolls out from under me as I crash into the fur rug. I hit the rug hard and blood explodes out from my open throat.
The crowd goes wild.
The crowd cheers as the guards strip my clothes from me. They gasp at the horrible scars on my body though they do not know that a cosmetic surgeon added some of the more horrible looking injuries. I tried to plant a bomb on the Queen’s bedroom; the citizens want to be believed that I have been abused properly for this crime.
My cock is limp but the guards fix that. A quick shot of Fuckitone in the thigh and my cock surges to life. My balls tingle with a fierce desire to ejaculate. My own mind forgets the crowd and I think about fucking. Man or woman, my cock just wants to bury itself in something.
The arena is filled with barriers and places to hide. At the other end of the arena was Queen Erishella herself. She was naked on a rug of Delonean Beast fur. The Queen was stroking the thick mass of her pubic hair while a giant vidscreen above her broadcast her masturbation to the entire crowd.
I look at the vidscreen and my cock throbs. I am going to fuck that. I still want to kill her, but if I make it across the arena, then I am allowed ten minutes with her. I am also allowed my freedom and a handsome reward of credits.
I plan to fuck her and kill her. With the Fuckitone coursing through my body, I am not particular about what I do first.
My body leans forward to start running. The guards grab my arms. They don’t want this sick game to begin just yet.
The announcers begin to list the names of those who will try to stop me. Thirty lucky audience members were chosen at random and escorted to thirty sniper towers. Each is being given a high accuracy Laser Rifle with barely adequate targeting scopes. Their chances of hitting me are remote, but then if they do, they are promised cash prizes and a trip to a Pleasure Palace.
Along with the thirty lucky audience members are ten elite sharpshooters chosen from the Queen’s Army. It is considered a great honor to be chosen.
If I make it the Queen, the unlucky audience members and the sharpshooters will be executed in various painful ways. That has never happened.
Yet.
There is a chime and the guards release me. I am running instantly. The Fuckitone is filling my mind with thoughts of cunt, ass, tits and Queen Erishella. I want to fuck. The giant vidscreen tells me where to run and taunts me with close-ups of the queen fingering her pussy.
Yes bitch, get it wet and ready for me.
The ground beside me sizzles from a missed laser shot. I remember the sharpshooters and duck towards a barrier wall. The barriers are barely as tall as me, just so a very lucky headshot can still happen. The barriers are also placed rather randomly and only extend for a few feet. It creates a maze that both hinders and protects me.
I hear the barrier crackle as dozens of shots slam into it. I imagine it is the unskilled audience members firing. The sharpshooters will take their time.
My training as an assassin comes to mind. I should be running in a crouch. I should be running in an erratic manner. I should duck and weave.
Fuck it. I’m too horny. That Slut Queen Erishella is pumping three fingers into her cunt when it should be my cock.
I run faster. My cock bounces between my legs, eager to defile that bitch.
Ten minutes is all they will give me when I reach her. Ten minutes to choke the life out of her with my bare hands as my cock rams her pussy. Ten long minutes as I bend her over and fuck her ass like she has fucked the asses of other kingdoms. Ten long glorious minutes to break her neck as I fuck her senseless.
I’m getting closer.
More laser shots miss. One burns my arm with a near hit. The sharpshooters are firing. They are getting nervous because I am so close.
Despite my urge to fuck, some part of my survival instincts kick in. I hug the barrier wall before sprinting to the safety of another barrier. I jump for no reason and laugh as laser shots pepper the ground.
I am so close to the Queen that I can smell her.
The crowd is screaming. I have come farther than anyone else has. Their cruel game of offering me their Queen now seems foolhardy. There is fear in the crowd’s roar and it just makes me cock harder.
Ten yards away. The Queen is on her back. Her knees are spread wide. Her right hand is stroking twice as fast as I am running.
I hear a shot and my ear hurts. Another near miss.
Another few yards a shot hits the ground in front of me.
Another yard and a shot comes so close to my cock that it singes the hairs on my balls.
I am so fucking close. I jump in the air. I dive down onto her body.
The Queen smiles at me. Her long black hair forms a dark halo around her head on the fur rug. She licks her lips as I dive down onto her.
Her left hand has a laser pistol. She fires at me while her other hand keeps masturbating.
The shot goes through my neck. Queen Erishella rolls out from under me as I crash into the fur rug. I hit the rug hard and blood explodes out from my open throat.
The crowd goes wild.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
The Giant Nad Saga Continues
Me and my giant nad went to the urologist yesterday. The waiting room was empty and every single magazine there was sports related. It was very macho.
The paperwork to fill out was daunting. Half of it was questions about how much I pee. There was one section where they ask me to describe the problem. I may have been a little flippant with my answer.
"Right testicle is greatly enlarged."
The other half of the paperwork were disclaimers and promises to pay money. I saw that quote that I love so much in these kind of papers, the one that gives you all the confidence.
"I, the undersigned, understand that medicine is not an exact science."
My biochemist wife gets a big kick out of that part. It goes into her list as to why medical doctors are not nearly as cool as biochemist doctors.
They let me into the examination room where I can not help but notice that this is the most kinky doctor's room I have ever seen. There are TWO giant bottles of lube. There are plenty of latex gloves and tissues. There are little precise instruments that I know go up your penis. It was not a relaxing room.
My doctor comes in and I swear to Vincent Price that he might be twenty-five. He is also Asian with an unfortunate mustache that reminds me of my Asian friends in high school who were not quite old enough to pull off a mustache yet.
The doctor wanted to do an ultrasound himself. It was a world of a difference with a male doctor. Instead of a dozen towels, the guy slapped on gloves and got the fuck in there. I have never been so happy to have a guy playing with my junk. I am at the point where I just want answers as fast as possible. Modesty is way down on my list of concerns.
Then comes the questions. "You said this has just been here a week? You sure it was a week? A week you say?"
He says that he can tell that it is a solid mass and that my giant nad is growing. The fact that it has grown so fast is what they in the medical profession call, "A bad thing." He wants to get the Giant Nad out and he wants it out ASAP.
Apparently, cutting your nad out is the FIRST step in diagnosis. They just can't cut in there and take a peek first. He is concerned about the speed of the growth and he wants to get it out and have it analyzed. From there we will see if it is cancer or some sort of parasitic twin like Dr. Venture's brother, Jonas. (I plan to name him Thomas if that is the case.)
So, they will take out my right nad, check out the growth and then look to see if the cancer is anywhere else. They are going to try to get me in for surgery this Friday but since I haven't heard back from them, that is not a definite.
Correction- I just called them and they told me that the surgery is for Friday at 7am and you know what? They told me all this and I forgot it. I guess that is what they mean by shock. I remember the conversation now but I totally forgot it two minutes later.
So, the Giant Nad is coming out on Friday.
The paperwork to fill out was daunting. Half of it was questions about how much I pee. There was one section where they ask me to describe the problem. I may have been a little flippant with my answer.
"Right testicle is greatly enlarged."
The other half of the paperwork were disclaimers and promises to pay money. I saw that quote that I love so much in these kind of papers, the one that gives you all the confidence.
"I, the undersigned, understand that medicine is not an exact science."
My biochemist wife gets a big kick out of that part. It goes into her list as to why medical doctors are not nearly as cool as biochemist doctors.
They let me into the examination room where I can not help but notice that this is the most kinky doctor's room I have ever seen. There are TWO giant bottles of lube. There are plenty of latex gloves and tissues. There are little precise instruments that I know go up your penis. It was not a relaxing room.
My doctor comes in and I swear to Vincent Price that he might be twenty-five. He is also Asian with an unfortunate mustache that reminds me of my Asian friends in high school who were not quite old enough to pull off a mustache yet.
The doctor wanted to do an ultrasound himself. It was a world of a difference with a male doctor. Instead of a dozen towels, the guy slapped on gloves and got the fuck in there. I have never been so happy to have a guy playing with my junk. I am at the point where I just want answers as fast as possible. Modesty is way down on my list of concerns.
Then comes the questions. "You said this has just been here a week? You sure it was a week? A week you say?"
He says that he can tell that it is a solid mass and that my giant nad is growing. The fact that it has grown so fast is what they in the medical profession call, "A bad thing." He wants to get the Giant Nad out and he wants it out ASAP.
Apparently, cutting your nad out is the FIRST step in diagnosis. They just can't cut in there and take a peek first. He is concerned about the speed of the growth and he wants to get it out and have it analyzed. From there we will see if it is cancer or some sort of parasitic twin like Dr. Venture's brother, Jonas. (I plan to name him Thomas if that is the case.)
So, they will take out my right nad, check out the growth and then look to see if the cancer is anywhere else. They are going to try to get me in for surgery this Friday but since I haven't heard back from them, that is not a definite.
Correction- I just called them and they told me that the surgery is for Friday at 7am and you know what? They told me all this and I forgot it. I guess that is what they mean by shock. I remember the conversation now but I totally forgot it two minutes later.
So, the Giant Nad is coming out on Friday.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Free Today: The Wolf Inside
The Wolf Inside is free on Kindle today. Tomorrow it will go back up to regular price. I meant to tell you Friday but you know, giant nad. I posted "The Wolf Inside" a few years ago and it remains pretty popular. You can get the ebook for Kindle for free by clicking here.
Did you know that you can read Amazon Kindle books on just about anything?Here is the page to get an app for your e-reader.
If you could write a review, that would be pretty cool too.
In Giant Nad news, I am going to the urologist today so I will give you an update tomorrow. Wish my Giant Nad luck.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Adventures of the Giant Nad
All this week I have had an annoying experience with my balls always getting in my way. I would lay on my side and my legs would crush my balls. I would sit down and my balls would get trapped in my underwear. I felt my balls and they seemed okay if a bit lower than usual. I figured that I was just getting old.
Then on Thursday night I got really annoyed with my balls getting in the way and I took a really good look. I felt around and realized that what I thought was my balls packed tightly together was actually one ball the size of a tennis ball. The other poor nad was attached to it on the side like a moon.
Holy shit.
I went to my doctor the next morning. I love my doctor. She is smart and warm but she also looks like she is about fourteen and even though I know she is married and has a child, she will always be the female Doogie Howser to me.
Dr. Howersette went right into action. We went through a checklist and she was surprised that I wasn't feeling pain. She wanted to examine my balls but first she needed to bring in a chaperone. The chaperone was a nurse who never left the door and was mortified to be there. She was not half as mortified as I was when I had to drop trousers and let Dr. Howserette feel my balls.
Cough cough. No hernia.
Feel, fondle, play a little. No pain.
Dr. Howserette thought it might be fluid built up in a cyst. She gave me a referral to get an ultrasound.
I go to the ultrasound office and wait an hour and a half. I read political magazines that were 8 months old talking about what an awesome candidate Herman Cain was. Thank Vincent Price there was a National Geographic there so I could spend time reading about the crazy men who patrol Greenland with dog sled teams. I kept wondering how tiny their balls were in 60 below weather.
Anyhoo, I finally get my ultrasound. The doctor is cute short Hispanic woman who informs me that I need to change into a backless gown. She leaves the room for me to change. She comes back and tells me to get on the bed and she starts handing me towels. One towel is to go under my nads to lift them up and keep them up. One towel is to go over my penis and the third towel is for quote, "To clean yourself afterwards."
I am over being shy at this point. I have bene to so many bdsm parties with casual nudity that I am just not fazed. Any shame I may have was obliterated when Dr. Howsette fondled my balls. I am in "Let's get shit done" mode and the thought of wasting time for modesty was just annoying. I wanted her to just get in there and do what needs to be done.
But I am at heart an easy going person even with a tennis ball for a nad. I put the towel under my nads. I put the other towel on my cock. Now, when I am flaccid, my cock is about .1 microns in length. I have this giant towel and I'm trying to cover something so small while at the same time not get int he way of the nads that it is attached to.
I was concerned that if I got a single cock throb, that my limp penis would twitch and escape my towel confines and scar for life the Hispanic woman who needs so many towels.
Inner Dialogue
"Go to your Happy Place, Shon. Ignore everything and go to your Happy Place!"
"Wait, my Happy Place is tits!"
"Shit, go your other Happy Place!"
"My Other Happy Place is spanking women's asses!"
"Go to the non-sex Happy Place!"
"THERE IS NO NON-SEX HAPPY PLACE!"
"Wait, we've been playing Star Trek Online. Go there! Science has proven there is no sex for nerds who obsess about Star Trek!"
"You're right! And while we are talking about Star Trek Online, how come we are looting the Klingons we defeat? Kirk might do that, but Picard really check the pockets of people he just phasered . . ."
The ultrasound lady meanwhile is smearing warm gel on my balls and rubbing a sensor over them. This goes on for about twenty minutes. Thanks to the miracle of Star Trek, I managed to not get an erection.
I clean off the gel and go home. I get a call from Dr. Howserette.
"Shon, the mass appears to not be a liquid but is most likely a solid."
"A solid what?" I said.
"It could be a tumor. We'll have to go to a urologist to be sure."
"Well, fuck."
So that is where we are now. I have an appointment for Monday which means me and my giant ball will have the weekend together.
I am staying positive mostly because my current step-father bled from the penis for a year before he went to see a doctor. They discovered it was testicular cancer and fixed it pretty easily. So in my mind even if I have a giant cancer nad, I am acting a hell of a lot sooner than my idiot step-father did.
I do however plan to gorge on fired chicken and play a lot more Star Trek Online in an effort to comfort eat and distract the hell out of myself.
Then on Thursday night I got really annoyed with my balls getting in the way and I took a really good look. I felt around and realized that what I thought was my balls packed tightly together was actually one ball the size of a tennis ball. The other poor nad was attached to it on the side like a moon.
Holy shit.
I went to my doctor the next morning. I love my doctor. She is smart and warm but she also looks like she is about fourteen and even though I know she is married and has a child, she will always be the female Doogie Howser to me.
Dr. Howersette went right into action. We went through a checklist and she was surprised that I wasn't feeling pain. She wanted to examine my balls but first she needed to bring in a chaperone. The chaperone was a nurse who never left the door and was mortified to be there. She was not half as mortified as I was when I had to drop trousers and let Dr. Howserette feel my balls.
Cough cough. No hernia.
Feel, fondle, play a little. No pain.
Dr. Howserette thought it might be fluid built up in a cyst. She gave me a referral to get an ultrasound.
I go to the ultrasound office and wait an hour and a half. I read political magazines that were 8 months old talking about what an awesome candidate Herman Cain was. Thank Vincent Price there was a National Geographic there so I could spend time reading about the crazy men who patrol Greenland with dog sled teams. I kept wondering how tiny their balls were in 60 below weather.
Anyhoo, I finally get my ultrasound. The doctor is cute short Hispanic woman who informs me that I need to change into a backless gown. She leaves the room for me to change. She comes back and tells me to get on the bed and she starts handing me towels. One towel is to go under my nads to lift them up and keep them up. One towel is to go over my penis and the third towel is for quote, "To clean yourself afterwards."
I am over being shy at this point. I have bene to so many bdsm parties with casual nudity that I am just not fazed. Any shame I may have was obliterated when Dr. Howsette fondled my balls. I am in "Let's get shit done" mode and the thought of wasting time for modesty was just annoying. I wanted her to just get in there and do what needs to be done.
But I am at heart an easy going person even with a tennis ball for a nad. I put the towel under my nads. I put the other towel on my cock. Now, when I am flaccid, my cock is about .1 microns in length. I have this giant towel and I'm trying to cover something so small while at the same time not get int he way of the nads that it is attached to.
I was concerned that if I got a single cock throb, that my limp penis would twitch and escape my towel confines and scar for life the Hispanic woman who needs so many towels.
Inner Dialogue
"Go to your Happy Place, Shon. Ignore everything and go to your Happy Place!"
"Wait, my Happy Place is tits!"
"Shit, go your other Happy Place!"
"My Other Happy Place is spanking women's asses!"
"Go to the non-sex Happy Place!"
"THERE IS NO NON-SEX HAPPY PLACE!"
"Wait, we've been playing Star Trek Online. Go there! Science has proven there is no sex for nerds who obsess about Star Trek!"
"You're right! And while we are talking about Star Trek Online, how come we are looting the Klingons we defeat? Kirk might do that, but Picard really check the pockets of people he just phasered . . ."
The ultrasound lady meanwhile is smearing warm gel on my balls and rubbing a sensor over them. This goes on for about twenty minutes. Thanks to the miracle of Star Trek, I managed to not get an erection.
I clean off the gel and go home. I get a call from Dr. Howserette.
"Shon, the mass appears to not be a liquid but is most likely a solid."
"A solid what?" I said.
"It could be a tumor. We'll have to go to a urologist to be sure."
"Well, fuck."
So that is where we are now. I have an appointment for Monday which means me and my giant ball will have the weekend together.
I am staying positive mostly because my current step-father bled from the penis for a year before he went to see a doctor. They discovered it was testicular cancer and fixed it pretty easily. So in my mind even if I have a giant cancer nad, I am acting a hell of a lot sooner than my idiot step-father did.
I do however plan to gorge on fired chicken and play a lot more Star Trek Online in an effort to comfort eat and distract the hell out of myself.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Fiction: Vanished
Explorer’s Log: I am about to land on the 6th planet orbiting the star designed, Queen’s Lack of Mercy, by Royal Astronomers. I was picking up low technology radio signals up to 11 hours ago but the broadcasts abruptly ceased. The civilization appears to be post industrial but doesn’t appear to have space technology. They might have detected my ship and are trying to mask themselves. I will land and investigate their worthiness to be conquered for the Queen. End Explorer’s Log.
Explorer’s Personal Log: From what I saw of the broadcasts, these aliens are mammalian and sort of cute except for the fact that they are only four feet tall. Since they aren’t savage primitives, I am hoping to get some friendly contacts and maybe a few inter species fucking sessions as well. These aliens are so short, I am sure they will look at me like some sort of giant brown sex goddess. End Explorer’s Personal Log.
Deep Space Explorer Vaquel Di lounged in the plaza water fountain. Behind her was a statue of an alien that was busy looking defiant at something just over his shoulder. Vaquel’s glassteel helmet and sparkling green spacesuit sat on the ground beside the fountain. She submerged her naked brown body into the water until the tips of her pink hair touched the water. The heated water felt wonderful on her body.
Around the plaza fountain were hundreds of vehicles that were chained together in a serious of collisions. Traffic signals blinked and shuttered in prerecorded signals. Billboards played above her and depicted a series of images. Vaquel didn’t understand what the billboards were saying but there sure were a lot of advertisements for bath soaps.
Of aliens there were none. The plaza was deserted. The vehicles were empty. The buildings were abandoned. Vaquel soaked in the plaza fountain and wondered where the fuck everyone was.
According to her ship’s scanners, there was not a single trace of alien life more sophisticated than simple birds or bugs. There were signs of civilization on every continent but of the actual aliens themselves, there was nothing. She even launched a mining probe that dug deep into the planet’s crust but it found no evidence of bunkers. The aliens weren’t hiding, they were just gone.
Vaquel looked at the collection of soap bottles that she had gathered. Every street had a store that sold soaps and lotion. After months of taking showers in her cramped hygienic pod, Vaquel was dying for a real bath. She had looted the stores like a true explorer and exploiter of resources.
She took a bottle of red liquid soap and squirted it into her hands. Red bubbles formed immediately. She lathered the bubbles onto her brown breasts and moaned. The bubbles had some sort of fizzing quality that was quite arousing. The popping bubbles felt like hundreds of tiny pinches over her sensitive flesh. Better yet, it was obliterating months of space grime.
Vaquel was starting to like these aliens, wherever the fuck they were.
The streets were ominously quiet. Vaquel dropped a soap bar into the water and the splash echoed for at least a minute around the deserted city. The explorer tried singing but after a few lines of “Never Turn Your Ass to an Army Man” she couldn’t sing anymore. The resulting echoes just made her more aware of how alone she was.
Fuck, at least she was getting a good bath out of it. The top of the fountain water was covered in five different colors of soap bubbles. Jets in the fountain constantly produced currents of warm water to surround Vaquel. She spread her legs wide and positioned herself over a jet. The current of water did wonderful things against her sex.
“This happens on ships sometimes,” she said out loud. Vaquel needed to talk to keep the silence away. She just made sure to whisper so that the streets wouldn’t echo.
“Explorers find empty star ships all the time,” she said. “The engines were working fine and they always have plenty of supplies but no one is inside the ship. It always looks like they had abandoned ship except the life pods are still there. No one knows why it happens though everyone has a theory. It is not that big of a leap to guess that it could happen to a whole planet, is it?”
The soap bubbles had no answers. The jet however had a very convincing argument that Vaquel should move a little closer. She got on her knees in the fountain and lowered her sex. Her breasts were covered in the popping bubbles and her nipples were harder than the mystery surrounding this planet.
Vaquel stroked herself as the jet streamed water against her sex. Looking around her, it was easy to imagine that people still lived her. The buildings loomed around her and who knows if maybe a survivor was peeking through the windows right now?
The thought of being watched sent new shivers down her body. It felt good to be doing a decadent act in the middle of a large city. It felt right to desecrate this public fountain with a little private pleasure. For all she knew, the entire alien civilization decided to turn invisible when they saw her ship and were watching her right now.
Vaquel moaned. The scientist in her thought that the invisibility theory was unlikely but the slut in her was a full supporter. She moved a little more than she had to. She grabbed her tits and squeezed through the fizzing bubbles. When she moaned, she made sure to open her mouth so the invisible aliens could imagine slipping a cock down her throat.
She was close. She stroked faster. The more she moved, the more bubbles appeared around her. The sun sparkled on her wet brown body and damp pink hair.
Deep in her mind though, another though occurred to her as she stroked. The aliens had disappeared less than twelve hours ago. What if whatever took them came back? Was it really that smart to linger on an empty planet? Could she be the next to go?
“Then I better stroke faster,” Vaquel said to no one.
Vaquel stroked for the invisible aliens. She stroked to avoid being the next to disappear. She stroked for the empty planet that might not ever see another orgasm again. She stroked because it was her first real bath in months. She stroked because she was fucking horny and there was no one here to fuck.
She climaxed with the force of a thousand crashing cars.
“Glory to the Queen!” she cried. As her scream echoed down the streets, Vaquel wouldn’t be surprised if Queen Erishella back home could actually hear her.
Vaquel stopped stroking. Her arousal temporarily sated, she thought with a clearer mind. She stood up and watched the bubbles and water slide off her brown body.
“This place is fucking creepy,” she said. “And I am getting the fuck out of here.”
Vaquel took a step towards the edge of the fountain and paused. She turned around and grabbed a handful of bath soaps. A mysterious planet devoid of life was scary but the thought of having to go back to using the ship’s military grade soap was scarier.
Explorer’s Personal Log: From what I saw of the broadcasts, these aliens are mammalian and sort of cute except for the fact that they are only four feet tall. Since they aren’t savage primitives, I am hoping to get some friendly contacts and maybe a few inter species fucking sessions as well. These aliens are so short, I am sure they will look at me like some sort of giant brown sex goddess. End Explorer’s Personal Log.
Deep Space Explorer Vaquel Di lounged in the plaza water fountain. Behind her was a statue of an alien that was busy looking defiant at something just over his shoulder. Vaquel’s glassteel helmet and sparkling green spacesuit sat on the ground beside the fountain. She submerged her naked brown body into the water until the tips of her pink hair touched the water. The heated water felt wonderful on her body.
Around the plaza fountain were hundreds of vehicles that were chained together in a serious of collisions. Traffic signals blinked and shuttered in prerecorded signals. Billboards played above her and depicted a series of images. Vaquel didn’t understand what the billboards were saying but there sure were a lot of advertisements for bath soaps.
Of aliens there were none. The plaza was deserted. The vehicles were empty. The buildings were abandoned. Vaquel soaked in the plaza fountain and wondered where the fuck everyone was.
According to her ship’s scanners, there was not a single trace of alien life more sophisticated than simple birds or bugs. There were signs of civilization on every continent but of the actual aliens themselves, there was nothing. She even launched a mining probe that dug deep into the planet’s crust but it found no evidence of bunkers. The aliens weren’t hiding, they were just gone.
Vaquel looked at the collection of soap bottles that she had gathered. Every street had a store that sold soaps and lotion. After months of taking showers in her cramped hygienic pod, Vaquel was dying for a real bath. She had looted the stores like a true explorer and exploiter of resources.
She took a bottle of red liquid soap and squirted it into her hands. Red bubbles formed immediately. She lathered the bubbles onto her brown breasts and moaned. The bubbles had some sort of fizzing quality that was quite arousing. The popping bubbles felt like hundreds of tiny pinches over her sensitive flesh. Better yet, it was obliterating months of space grime.
Vaquel was starting to like these aliens, wherever the fuck they were.
The streets were ominously quiet. Vaquel dropped a soap bar into the water and the splash echoed for at least a minute around the deserted city. The explorer tried singing but after a few lines of “Never Turn Your Ass to an Army Man” she couldn’t sing anymore. The resulting echoes just made her more aware of how alone she was.
Fuck, at least she was getting a good bath out of it. The top of the fountain water was covered in five different colors of soap bubbles. Jets in the fountain constantly produced currents of warm water to surround Vaquel. She spread her legs wide and positioned herself over a jet. The current of water did wonderful things against her sex.
“This happens on ships sometimes,” she said out loud. Vaquel needed to talk to keep the silence away. She just made sure to whisper so that the streets wouldn’t echo.
“Explorers find empty star ships all the time,” she said. “The engines were working fine and they always have plenty of supplies but no one is inside the ship. It always looks like they had abandoned ship except the life pods are still there. No one knows why it happens though everyone has a theory. It is not that big of a leap to guess that it could happen to a whole planet, is it?”
The soap bubbles had no answers. The jet however had a very convincing argument that Vaquel should move a little closer. She got on her knees in the fountain and lowered her sex. Her breasts were covered in the popping bubbles and her nipples were harder than the mystery surrounding this planet.
Vaquel stroked herself as the jet streamed water against her sex. Looking around her, it was easy to imagine that people still lived her. The buildings loomed around her and who knows if maybe a survivor was peeking through the windows right now?
The thought of being watched sent new shivers down her body. It felt good to be doing a decadent act in the middle of a large city. It felt right to desecrate this public fountain with a little private pleasure. For all she knew, the entire alien civilization decided to turn invisible when they saw her ship and were watching her right now.
Vaquel moaned. The scientist in her thought that the invisibility theory was unlikely but the slut in her was a full supporter. She moved a little more than she had to. She grabbed her tits and squeezed through the fizzing bubbles. When she moaned, she made sure to open her mouth so the invisible aliens could imagine slipping a cock down her throat.
She was close. She stroked faster. The more she moved, the more bubbles appeared around her. The sun sparkled on her wet brown body and damp pink hair.
Deep in her mind though, another though occurred to her as she stroked. The aliens had disappeared less than twelve hours ago. What if whatever took them came back? Was it really that smart to linger on an empty planet? Could she be the next to go?
“Then I better stroke faster,” Vaquel said to no one.
Vaquel stroked for the invisible aliens. She stroked to avoid being the next to disappear. She stroked for the empty planet that might not ever see another orgasm again. She stroked because it was her first real bath in months. She stroked because she was fucking horny and there was no one here to fuck.
She climaxed with the force of a thousand crashing cars.
“Glory to the Queen!” she cried. As her scream echoed down the streets, Vaquel wouldn’t be surprised if Queen Erishella back home could actually hear her.
Vaquel stopped stroking. Her arousal temporarily sated, she thought with a clearer mind. She stood up and watched the bubbles and water slide off her brown body.
“This place is fucking creepy,” she said. “And I am getting the fuck out of here.”
Vaquel took a step towards the edge of the fountain and paused. She turned around and grabbed a handful of bath soaps. A mysterious planet devoid of life was scary but the thought of having to go back to using the ship’s military grade soap was scarier.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Erotica Threat Level: Sweet Cash Green
Last year I offered my books on Lulu and I make a small modest amount thanks to my wonderful fans. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for those sales. The thing is, there is a giant porn market over at Amazon where they are printing money for porn and a lot oft he porn there, to be absolutely polite, abominable and shitty.
Because I love the world too much to let bad porn exist without an alternative, I have taken up publishing ebooks for the Amazon Kindle. I also want a share of that money because I have bills to pay and the chance to pay those bills by doing something I totally love is pretty awesome.
An important bit about the Amazon Kindle is that you DON'T NEED A KINDLE TO READ THE EBOOKS. Kindle for PC is a program that lets you read anything on your home computer or laptop. I use it and it is completely free.
The Amazon Kindle is a jealous god and in order to get some of the cooler selling options, they ask that I not sell my books as ebooks elsewhere. As a trial run, I took Cell Phone Slave down from Lulu and put it up on Amazon. Without any advertising, I already sold more Cell Phone Slave there then I have the past three months of Lulu. The Amazon Kindle is where the customers are.
Amazon Kindle also lets me do interesting things like have sales where I give ebooks away for free. The funny thing about this is the more people who grab the ebook while it is free, the higher up in the rankings the ebook goes and when the sale is over, more people are likely to buy it because it has a high ranking.
Which means that when I make a new ebook and make it free, I can tell you about it on my blog. You can go snatch it for free because you are my lolyal and loving fans and even if you never read it, you will help my book go up in the rankings. Everyone wins.
What is appealing to me is that I have ten years of stories that I have written. That is a shitload of material that I beleive is of a much higher quality than what is available. A lot of these stories are stuff you may not have read. Some of it will be stories that have appeared on the blog but are collected together. For example, this Friday I plan to put together the 'Wolf Inside' stories.
I already put up for sale, 'On Your Knees' which is the lovely story of four American college kids who end up on a BDSM gameshow in Mexico and let's just say that a lot of spanking, humiliation and fucking ensues. This story was so popular that it was stolen and put on a Hebrew language porn site, which amuses me to no end. Now you can buy the slightly edited version where I fix a ten year old plot hole that has always bothered me. It is a fairly lengthy story, about the size of one of my three part Librarian stories. Plus college kids getting spanked and teased for cash prizes.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I still plan to produce a new story every week. I promise to let you know when my ebooks are for free so you can snatch them first since you are my kindly fanbase.
I am opening the floor for questions, concerns and accusations that I have sold out in the interest of eating food.
Because I love the world too much to let bad porn exist without an alternative, I have taken up publishing ebooks for the Amazon Kindle. I also want a share of that money because I have bills to pay and the chance to pay those bills by doing something I totally love is pretty awesome.
An important bit about the Amazon Kindle is that you DON'T NEED A KINDLE TO READ THE EBOOKS. Kindle for PC is a program that lets you read anything on your home computer or laptop. I use it and it is completely free.
The Amazon Kindle is a jealous god and in order to get some of the cooler selling options, they ask that I not sell my books as ebooks elsewhere. As a trial run, I took Cell Phone Slave down from Lulu and put it up on Amazon. Without any advertising, I already sold more Cell Phone Slave there then I have the past three months of Lulu. The Amazon Kindle is where the customers are.
Amazon Kindle also lets me do interesting things like have sales where I give ebooks away for free. The funny thing about this is the more people who grab the ebook while it is free, the higher up in the rankings the ebook goes and when the sale is over, more people are likely to buy it because it has a high ranking.
Which means that when I make a new ebook and make it free, I can tell you about it on my blog. You can go snatch it for free because you are my lolyal and loving fans and even if you never read it, you will help my book go up in the rankings. Everyone wins.
What is appealing to me is that I have ten years of stories that I have written. That is a shitload of material that I beleive is of a much higher quality than what is available. A lot of these stories are stuff you may not have read. Some of it will be stories that have appeared on the blog but are collected together. For example, this Friday I plan to put together the 'Wolf Inside' stories.
I already put up for sale, 'On Your Knees' which is the lovely story of four American college kids who end up on a BDSM gameshow in Mexico and let's just say that a lot of spanking, humiliation and fucking ensues. This story was so popular that it was stolen and put on a Hebrew language porn site, which amuses me to no end. Now you can buy the slightly edited version where I fix a ten year old plot hole that has always bothered me. It is a fairly lengthy story, about the size of one of my three part Librarian stories. Plus college kids getting spanked and teased for cash prizes.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I still plan to produce a new story every week. I promise to let you know when my ebooks are for free so you can snatch them first since you are my kindly fanbase.
I am opening the floor for questions, concerns and accusations that I have sold out in the interest of eating food.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Dirty Books: Anything for an A
Tasty Miller's Anything for an A is a short little ebook from Sock Drawer Press. I actually have a book that will be published by Sock Drawer Press but I swear on the tits of Scarlett Johansson that I will be completely impartial in reviewing this book. As you can imagine, this ebook is about an 18 year old female high school student who really needs to get an A from her male English teacher. Rather than do some hard work and studying, she resorts to the time honored porn tradition of seduction and trying to fuck his brains out. Being a teenager, she uses the kind of convoluted over complicated plan that teenagers love to try. Sexiness ensues.
The cliche of a student seducing their teacher is as old as time but in this book the cliche is only the skeleton of the story. The body on top of the cliche-skeleton is made of interesting characters, amusing jokes, pretty hot teasing and really hot sex. Yes, you know how it will end but how we get there is never boring and let me tell you, in porn not being bored is always a small miracle. It is a good porn story that you will remember long after you have forgotten others in this genre.
This book is a classic example of how you don't need an original idea for a great book, you just need to tell an old story in a great manner.
As an author I was really impressed with the length of the story. A lot of ebooks are barely longer than a blog post. Others are way too long and the story goes to places it never needs to go. This one clocks in at a pleasant afternoon reading. It is like the Red Shoe Diaries length of porn. It is just long enough to soak in the characters without over staying it's welcome.
I give it four out of five Pam Griers.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Fiction: Zero Gravity
Explorer’s Log: I am three days away from the 6th planet orbiting the star designed, Queen’s Lack of Mercy, by Royal Astronomers. Due to the heavy mass of several gas giants in this system, I am unable to travel there using the faster than light drive and must reach my destination by old fashioned solar thrust engines. This will give me time do regular maintenance and run some diagnostics. End Explorer’s Log.
Explorer’s Personal Log: Son of a bitch, space is fucking big. Even in the same system the distances between planets are well, astronomical. I am getting so horny, I had to put a time lock on the dead alien’s body so I wouldn’t be tempted to do anything biologically unwise.
Deep Space Explorer Vaquel Di floated naked aboard the probe ship. Her gorgeous brown body spun slowly as she stroked furiously between her legs. Heavy brown breasts floated in different directions. Her short pink hair hovered around her head in a pink halo. She had her eyes tightly shut as she came close to orgasm.
A short beep was her only warning. The gravity returned a split second later. Vaquel opened her eyes and let out a short squeal. She fell to the ground and just managed to get her hands out of her cunt. She landed on the floor of the ship on all fours.
“Didn’t hit my head this time,” Vaquel said. She was alone on the ship and found that talking out loud helped the loneliness. Well, a little.
Her fingers were sticky from being inside her. Vaquel’s cunt ached to be touched and her pubic bush was soaked. Fresh desire dripped onto the floor.
She wanted to come. Her cunt ached to be touched. She was close, she knew it.
Vaquel stayed where she was. The rules of the game were quite clear. She couldn’t only masturbate when the gravity was turned off. She had to stop when the gravity returned. The computer was set to alternate the gravity at random time intervals, not exceeding three minutes.
The rules were brutal. Vaquel was so damn close to climax. She had work to do and she just wanted to come. She was getting frustrated, angry and also very fucking horny.
This might be the best masturbation game that Vaquel had invented yet.
Beep!
Vaquel felt her knees lift away from the floor. The gravity was gone and she went back to work. Dark fingers plunged into her pink bush of pubic hair and fucked her cunt. She moaned as her crotch levitated towards the ceiling.
She finger fucked the hell out of herself. Gravity could return at any moment. She spared one hand to grab a breast and squeeze it like it wasn’t hers. Blood rushed to her head as she floated upside down and she didn’t fucking care. Vaquel had to come.
The Deep Space Explorer Probe ship hurtled through space. Ingenious technologies kept it flying and automatically navigating past meteors, debris, gravitational tugs of planets and the occasionally freaky space anomaly. All of this triumph in exploration was lost on Vaquel who was nothing more than a woman desperately needing a climax.
Vaquel moaned. She was going to come. The excitement of finally achieving what her body craved was almost too much. She started to worry that the gravity would return and since she was upside down at the moment that would be really bad.
Vaquel pushed the negative thoughts out of her mind. She had been trained to pilot a ship through a plasma storm without panicking. Her calm in combat was the envy of several instructors. No one was faster when it came to repairing a solar sail during a meteor shower. Vaquel turned her laser focus towards her own climax.
She rubbed her clitoris with a fury. She pulled on her floating breast with unforgiving passion. She bit down on her lip and imagined that the pain came from a lover. Her body twisted and contorted in mid air. Free of the constraints of gravity, Vaquel’s body moved in strange ways as she desperately tried to come.
“Glory to the Queen!” Vaquel shouted. She climaxed. Pleasure rippled through her body at the speed of light. Her brown body convulsed in the air as she rode the bliss.
Beep!
Vaquel landed on her back. The wind was knocked out of her and she gasped for air. She lay on the floor and held on to the glow of her orgasm.
The sweaty explorer waited for the gravity to turn off again. She wasn’t close to being finished today.
Explorer’s Personal Log: Son of a bitch, space is fucking big. Even in the same system the distances between planets are well, astronomical. I am getting so horny, I had to put a time lock on the dead alien’s body so I wouldn’t be tempted to do anything biologically unwise.
Deep Space Explorer Vaquel Di floated naked aboard the probe ship. Her gorgeous brown body spun slowly as she stroked furiously between her legs. Heavy brown breasts floated in different directions. Her short pink hair hovered around her head in a pink halo. She had her eyes tightly shut as she came close to orgasm.
A short beep was her only warning. The gravity returned a split second later. Vaquel opened her eyes and let out a short squeal. She fell to the ground and just managed to get her hands out of her cunt. She landed on the floor of the ship on all fours.
“Didn’t hit my head this time,” Vaquel said. She was alone on the ship and found that talking out loud helped the loneliness. Well, a little.
Her fingers were sticky from being inside her. Vaquel’s cunt ached to be touched and her pubic bush was soaked. Fresh desire dripped onto the floor.
She wanted to come. Her cunt ached to be touched. She was close, she knew it.
Vaquel stayed where she was. The rules of the game were quite clear. She couldn’t only masturbate when the gravity was turned off. She had to stop when the gravity returned. The computer was set to alternate the gravity at random time intervals, not exceeding three minutes.
The rules were brutal. Vaquel was so damn close to climax. She had work to do and she just wanted to come. She was getting frustrated, angry and also very fucking horny.
This might be the best masturbation game that Vaquel had invented yet.
Beep!
Vaquel felt her knees lift away from the floor. The gravity was gone and she went back to work. Dark fingers plunged into her pink bush of pubic hair and fucked her cunt. She moaned as her crotch levitated towards the ceiling.
She finger fucked the hell out of herself. Gravity could return at any moment. She spared one hand to grab a breast and squeeze it like it wasn’t hers. Blood rushed to her head as she floated upside down and she didn’t fucking care. Vaquel had to come.
The Deep Space Explorer Probe ship hurtled through space. Ingenious technologies kept it flying and automatically navigating past meteors, debris, gravitational tugs of planets and the occasionally freaky space anomaly. All of this triumph in exploration was lost on Vaquel who was nothing more than a woman desperately needing a climax.
Vaquel moaned. She was going to come. The excitement of finally achieving what her body craved was almost too much. She started to worry that the gravity would return and since she was upside down at the moment that would be really bad.
Vaquel pushed the negative thoughts out of her mind. She had been trained to pilot a ship through a plasma storm without panicking. Her calm in combat was the envy of several instructors. No one was faster when it came to repairing a solar sail during a meteor shower. Vaquel turned her laser focus towards her own climax.
She rubbed her clitoris with a fury. She pulled on her floating breast with unforgiving passion. She bit down on her lip and imagined that the pain came from a lover. Her body twisted and contorted in mid air. Free of the constraints of gravity, Vaquel’s body moved in strange ways as she desperately tried to come.
“Glory to the Queen!” Vaquel shouted. She climaxed. Pleasure rippled through her body at the speed of light. Her brown body convulsed in the air as she rode the bliss.
Beep!
Vaquel landed on her back. The wind was knocked out of her and she gasped for air. She lay on the floor and held on to the glow of her orgasm.
The sweaty explorer waited for the gravity to turn off again. She wasn’t close to being finished today.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Fiction: Bound to Die
“Time to wake up, Ms. Valentine.”
Holly stirred from her sleep and tried to sit up. The ropes holding her hands stopped her. Since she was an investigative reporter, this detail didn’t surprise her much. The number of times that she awoke to find herself tied up was starting to exceed the number of times she woke up without being restrained. It was an occupational hazard.
The reporter did a quick inventory before responding to the voice. Yep, she was completely naked. Yes, her wrists and ankles were tied to the four corners of her hotel bed. Oh dear, her breasts felt tender as if someone had felt her up while stripping her. Bad guys usually don’t molest her tits unless they plan for her to be dead later so she won’t press charges. This might be a serious attempt on her life as opposed to the half-ass attempts that she dealt with so frequently.
“I doubt that you know who I am,” the man standing beside her said. He was a young man, barely thirty yet he had all the arrogance and self importance of an asshole twice his age.
“You’re Carl Squeezestone, chief financial officer for the Conquest Banking,” Holly said. “You are currently renegotiating which bank gets to secretly run the SEC and determine who gets to defraud the stock market for the next two years.”
Mr. Squeezestone frowned. “It appears that you have achieved more unexpected progression in your investigation than we forecasted. Your untimely expose into our affairs might result in unfortunate down trending in our financial forecast.”
After three years of covering banker scandals, Holly understood banker talk better than most people. She just refused to speak it herself.
“Yeah, you guys will be totally fucked,” Holly said.
“On the contrary, you are about to be downsized,” Mr. Squeezestone said. “Notice the pistols that have been mounted on your hotel bed frame. Each rope connects a limb to trigger. As soon as you move any subsidiary appendage in any direction, you will trigger a penalty as the pistol fires. The pistols are aimed at your torso, which will result in a slow and painful downgrading of your circulatory capitol flow.”
“Ouch, just leaving me to bleed to death,” Holly said. “Oh well, guess I am not moving for several hours until the maids come in to change the sheets.”
Mr. Squeezestone smiled like a man with a golden parachute. “That is why I am strapping this device on. Do you recognize it? It is the Von Madd Pussy-Licker 11. It adheres to your cunt and leverages the state of the art animatronics tongue to stimulate your arousal growth in a perpetual upwards trend. It will be impossible for you to not move and therefore, impossible to not be perforated with unexpected lead infusions.”
“Well, shit,” Holly said.
Mr. Squeezestone leaned over and held the plate sized device over her neatly trimmed pussy. Small robot tentacles reached out to her waist and thighs. The Pussy-Licker 11 jumped out of her hand and sealed itself over her cunt. The metal tentacles tightened around her for a snug fit. A bright pink power button was on the outside of the Pussy-Licker 11 but with Holly’s hands tied; there was no way that she was reaching it.
“Goodbye, Ms. Valentine,” Mr. Squeezestone said. “I look forward to reading about your perverse bondage masturbation death in the papers tomorrow. In fact, I think I will write the article myself.”
He pressed the power button for the Pussy-Licker 11. Holly was going to respond with a clever retort about his sexual practices with small animals but she felt the amazing animated tongue of the device and all witty repartee died in her throat as she moaned.
Mr. Squeezestone smiled and stuffed her panties into her mouth. Holly watched as he walked out of her room. He didn’t even bother to hang the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign. Well of course not, Holly realized. He wanted her bondage shot body to be found in the morning.
“Well fuck,” Holly tried to say but the panties in her mouth turned it into a “Whh ffk”. She was in trouble this time. It was a clever arrangement though to be honest, shooting her in her sleep would have been smarter. She understood why she was in an elaborate trap. Mr. Squeezestone was a banker and a wall street trader, he probably couldn’t even think in simple A to B plans. That was her one advantage.
The Pussy-Licker 11 lived up to its name and did something wonderful to Holly’s sex. She trembled and had an incredible urge to reach down and pull it tighter against her.
She stopped herself after her hands moved an inch. Holly waited for the shots but the pistols didn’t fire.
Now she knew that she had at least an inch of give. Holly didn’t know what good it would do her, but it was something.
She tried to look at her body to see if there was anything she could use. Her large breasts obstructed most of her view. Holly said a silent prayer of thanks that Mr. Squeezestone didn’t get really creative and apply nipple clamps of some sort.
Past her freckled breasts, she could barely see the Pussy-Licker 11 but she sure as hell could feel it. Fuck, now it was doing some sort of circular motion. It was amazing what they could do with sex toys these days. One day she was sure it would kill her.
Her long bare legs were stretched out and secured with thick rope. She had a really good view of the pistols at the foot of the bed. She wasn’t an expert on guns but she could tell that these were the kinds of guns that punched messy holes in people rather than neatly bypassing important arteries.
Yeah, she was fucked.
The Pussy-Licker 11 began to lap at her sex. It reminded her of an inappropriate dog or a drunken college student. It was used all of the tongue to lick from the bottom of her cunt to the top. It was wet too. The damn device must provide its own simulated saliva. It was fucking perfect.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Holly tried to think of an escape plan. It was still night, so it would be hours before a maid came. She could usually twist and pull herself out of most bondage but pulling and twisting would kill her here. Holly rapidly ran out of ideas.
Holly’s heart skipped a beat as she realized that her hips had been moving for the last two minutes. She had been humping against the Pussy-Licker 11 without even thinking about it. The redhead reporter forced her hips to stop and bit down on the panties in her mouth as the Pussy-Licker 11 kept licking.
Holly moaned. Not moving was worse. It was as if the device interpreted her lack of movement as encouragement to try harder. The mechanical tongue was picking up speed and doing gyrations that no human mouth could attempt. Erotic science was going to get her off and when it did, she was going to twist and writhe before the speeding bullets made her twist and writhe for entirely different reasons.
Wait, Holly remembered an article she wrote back for her high school paper. A cheerleader and a jock had died in a freak motel bed accident. The cheerleader had tried a running mount onto the jock and the bed had shattered. They had died from the freak shrapnel from the splintering wood. During her research, Holly had discovered that most beds in hotels were notoriously badly constructed as they were bought in bulk from men’s prisons. If they were bought from women’s prisons, the bed would be sturdier because women can build the shit out of a bed.
It gave Holly an idea. Maybe she could pull on her arms and legs at the same time and destroy the badly made bed. The pistols would be dislodged and maybe she could roll out of the way at the same time.
The only problem is that the cheerleader in Holly’s high school had destroyed the bed with a running start. Holly was flat on her back getting her pussy eaten. She was in good shape but not that good of shape. She would need some sort of advantage.
The Pussy-Licker 11 moved synthetic lips that Holly didn’t know it had. Lifelike lips nibble and kissed her cunt. The reporter trembled with willpower as she fought to keep from humping the machine.
Holly’s clenched eyes popped open. That was it. She had all the strength she needed if it was powered by an orgasm. She just had to have one of those bed shattering orgasms that broke the glasses of boyfriends.
She just had to have it without moving prematurely.
Holly waited. The Pussy-Licker 11 licked deeper into her. The redhead fought to stay as still as possible as the machine licked where only cocks had reached before. Her nipples tingled as the device took simulated breathes inside her. Her feet were still but her toes curled as the sextoy bit her gently.
The ropes trembled. Holly bit down on the panties and willed herself not to move. She felt her body tensing like a spring but she couldn’t release just yet.
The Pussy-Licker 11 found her clitoris. Just like a real man, it took awhile to find. The simulated tongue attacked her clitoris with speed and efficiency.
All of Holly’s control melted. She was going to climax. She might also die but right now she didn’t give a fuck. She wanted to come. She needed to come. Dying and living was something for later.
The Pussy-Licker 11 kept licking her clitoris as her hips rose. The metal arms hung on as Holly’s body twisted and spun on the bed. The mechanical tongue vibrated against her as her arms pulled down and her legs pulled up. The superior construction of the sextoy clung to her sex as the inferior construction of the motel bed shattered.
The pistols fired.
The pistol attached to her right arm fell and shot out the window.
The pistol attached to her left arm spun and shot the television.
The pistol attached to her right leg turned and shot the corner of the bed.
The pistol attached to her left leg didn’t fire at all because Mr. Squeezestone forgot to turn off the safety. Stock brokers could be sloppy that way.
Holly fell off the bed. Her hands were still tied but the rope was completely slack. She reached between her thighs and hesitated.
She came twice more before turning the machine off.
Holly stirred from her sleep and tried to sit up. The ropes holding her hands stopped her. Since she was an investigative reporter, this detail didn’t surprise her much. The number of times that she awoke to find herself tied up was starting to exceed the number of times she woke up without being restrained. It was an occupational hazard.
The reporter did a quick inventory before responding to the voice. Yep, she was completely naked. Yes, her wrists and ankles were tied to the four corners of her hotel bed. Oh dear, her breasts felt tender as if someone had felt her up while stripping her. Bad guys usually don’t molest her tits unless they plan for her to be dead later so she won’t press charges. This might be a serious attempt on her life as opposed to the half-ass attempts that she dealt with so frequently.
“I doubt that you know who I am,” the man standing beside her said. He was a young man, barely thirty yet he had all the arrogance and self importance of an asshole twice his age.
“You’re Carl Squeezestone, chief financial officer for the Conquest Banking,” Holly said. “You are currently renegotiating which bank gets to secretly run the SEC and determine who gets to defraud the stock market for the next two years.”
Mr. Squeezestone frowned. “It appears that you have achieved more unexpected progression in your investigation than we forecasted. Your untimely expose into our affairs might result in unfortunate down trending in our financial forecast.”
After three years of covering banker scandals, Holly understood banker talk better than most people. She just refused to speak it herself.
“Yeah, you guys will be totally fucked,” Holly said.
“On the contrary, you are about to be downsized,” Mr. Squeezestone said. “Notice the pistols that have been mounted on your hotel bed frame. Each rope connects a limb to trigger. As soon as you move any subsidiary appendage in any direction, you will trigger a penalty as the pistol fires. The pistols are aimed at your torso, which will result in a slow and painful downgrading of your circulatory capitol flow.”
“Ouch, just leaving me to bleed to death,” Holly said. “Oh well, guess I am not moving for several hours until the maids come in to change the sheets.”
Mr. Squeezestone smiled like a man with a golden parachute. “That is why I am strapping this device on. Do you recognize it? It is the Von Madd Pussy-Licker 11. It adheres to your cunt and leverages the state of the art animatronics tongue to stimulate your arousal growth in a perpetual upwards trend. It will be impossible for you to not move and therefore, impossible to not be perforated with unexpected lead infusions.”
“Well, shit,” Holly said.
Mr. Squeezestone leaned over and held the plate sized device over her neatly trimmed pussy. Small robot tentacles reached out to her waist and thighs. The Pussy-Licker 11 jumped out of her hand and sealed itself over her cunt. The metal tentacles tightened around her for a snug fit. A bright pink power button was on the outside of the Pussy-Licker 11 but with Holly’s hands tied; there was no way that she was reaching it.
“Goodbye, Ms. Valentine,” Mr. Squeezestone said. “I look forward to reading about your perverse bondage masturbation death in the papers tomorrow. In fact, I think I will write the article myself.”
He pressed the power button for the Pussy-Licker 11. Holly was going to respond with a clever retort about his sexual practices with small animals but she felt the amazing animated tongue of the device and all witty repartee died in her throat as she moaned.
Mr. Squeezestone smiled and stuffed her panties into her mouth. Holly watched as he walked out of her room. He didn’t even bother to hang the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign. Well of course not, Holly realized. He wanted her bondage shot body to be found in the morning.
“Well fuck,” Holly tried to say but the panties in her mouth turned it into a “Whh ffk”. She was in trouble this time. It was a clever arrangement though to be honest, shooting her in her sleep would have been smarter. She understood why she was in an elaborate trap. Mr. Squeezestone was a banker and a wall street trader, he probably couldn’t even think in simple A to B plans. That was her one advantage.
The Pussy-Licker 11 lived up to its name and did something wonderful to Holly’s sex. She trembled and had an incredible urge to reach down and pull it tighter against her.
She stopped herself after her hands moved an inch. Holly waited for the shots but the pistols didn’t fire.
Now she knew that she had at least an inch of give. Holly didn’t know what good it would do her, but it was something.
She tried to look at her body to see if there was anything she could use. Her large breasts obstructed most of her view. Holly said a silent prayer of thanks that Mr. Squeezestone didn’t get really creative and apply nipple clamps of some sort.
Past her freckled breasts, she could barely see the Pussy-Licker 11 but she sure as hell could feel it. Fuck, now it was doing some sort of circular motion. It was amazing what they could do with sex toys these days. One day she was sure it would kill her.
Her long bare legs were stretched out and secured with thick rope. She had a really good view of the pistols at the foot of the bed. She wasn’t an expert on guns but she could tell that these were the kinds of guns that punched messy holes in people rather than neatly bypassing important arteries.
Yeah, she was fucked.
The Pussy-Licker 11 began to lap at her sex. It reminded her of an inappropriate dog or a drunken college student. It was used all of the tongue to lick from the bottom of her cunt to the top. It was wet too. The damn device must provide its own simulated saliva. It was fucking perfect.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Holly tried to think of an escape plan. It was still night, so it would be hours before a maid came. She could usually twist and pull herself out of most bondage but pulling and twisting would kill her here. Holly rapidly ran out of ideas.
Holly’s heart skipped a beat as she realized that her hips had been moving for the last two minutes. She had been humping against the Pussy-Licker 11 without even thinking about it. The redhead reporter forced her hips to stop and bit down on the panties in her mouth as the Pussy-Licker 11 kept licking.
Holly moaned. Not moving was worse. It was as if the device interpreted her lack of movement as encouragement to try harder. The mechanical tongue was picking up speed and doing gyrations that no human mouth could attempt. Erotic science was going to get her off and when it did, she was going to twist and writhe before the speeding bullets made her twist and writhe for entirely different reasons.
Wait, Holly remembered an article she wrote back for her high school paper. A cheerleader and a jock had died in a freak motel bed accident. The cheerleader had tried a running mount onto the jock and the bed had shattered. They had died from the freak shrapnel from the splintering wood. During her research, Holly had discovered that most beds in hotels were notoriously badly constructed as they were bought in bulk from men’s prisons. If they were bought from women’s prisons, the bed would be sturdier because women can build the shit out of a bed.
It gave Holly an idea. Maybe she could pull on her arms and legs at the same time and destroy the badly made bed. The pistols would be dislodged and maybe she could roll out of the way at the same time.
The only problem is that the cheerleader in Holly’s high school had destroyed the bed with a running start. Holly was flat on her back getting her pussy eaten. She was in good shape but not that good of shape. She would need some sort of advantage.
The Pussy-Licker 11 moved synthetic lips that Holly didn’t know it had. Lifelike lips nibble and kissed her cunt. The reporter trembled with willpower as she fought to keep from humping the machine.
Holly’s clenched eyes popped open. That was it. She had all the strength she needed if it was powered by an orgasm. She just had to have one of those bed shattering orgasms that broke the glasses of boyfriends.
She just had to have it without moving prematurely.
Holly waited. The Pussy-Licker 11 licked deeper into her. The redhead fought to stay as still as possible as the machine licked where only cocks had reached before. Her nipples tingled as the device took simulated breathes inside her. Her feet were still but her toes curled as the sextoy bit her gently.
The ropes trembled. Holly bit down on the panties and willed herself not to move. She felt her body tensing like a spring but she couldn’t release just yet.
The Pussy-Licker 11 found her clitoris. Just like a real man, it took awhile to find. The simulated tongue attacked her clitoris with speed and efficiency.
All of Holly’s control melted. She was going to climax. She might also die but right now she didn’t give a fuck. She wanted to come. She needed to come. Dying and living was something for later.
The Pussy-Licker 11 kept licking her clitoris as her hips rose. The metal arms hung on as Holly’s body twisted and spun on the bed. The mechanical tongue vibrated against her as her arms pulled down and her legs pulled up. The superior construction of the sextoy clung to her sex as the inferior construction of the motel bed shattered.
The pistols fired.
The pistol attached to her right arm fell and shot out the window.
The pistol attached to her left arm spun and shot the television.
The pistol attached to her right leg turned and shot the corner of the bed.
The pistol attached to her left leg didn’t fire at all because Mr. Squeezestone forgot to turn off the safety. Stock brokers could be sloppy that way.
Holly fell off the bed. Her hands were still tied but the rope was completely slack. She reached between her thighs and hesitated.
She came twice more before turning the machine off.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Handjob Supply Program
In order to combat the slump in Monday morning efficiency, Von Madd Laboratories will be supplying handjobs to all of our staff. A talented specialist will come to your work station and stimulate your genitals with their hands until you achieve orgasm. To request your handjob, please use the Purple Handjob button at your work station in the following manner.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist, please press the button quickly once.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist, please press and hold the button once.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist with large breasts, please press the button twice quickly and then pause, then press the button and hold for two seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist with a great ass, please press the button once, pause and then press quickly twice.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a androgynous specialist with an undetermined sex, please press the button three times followed by two short presses.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist of African American descent, please press and hold the button for two seconds, then press it quickly three times and then press and hold for one second.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist of African American descent, please press and hold the button for three seconds, then press it quickly three times and then press and hold for one second.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist of Asian descent, please press and hold the button for four seconds, then press it quickly two times and then press and hold for two seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist of Asian descent, please press and hold the button for four seconds, then press it quickly two times and then press and hold for three seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist who's ass you can slap then press the button quickly eight times.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist who will slap your ass and verbally humiliate you then press the button quickly seven times.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist who's nipples you can pinch and twist then press the button quickly six times followed by a pause and then two quick presses.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist who will pinch and twist your nipples then press the button quickly five times followed by a pause and then three quick presses.
We apologize in advance for the small number of options currently available but we will endeavor to expand the selection every week.
We also appreciate your patience as we try out this new system. Please understand that the specialist you request will not be able to return to their deployment office until they have completed the order requested.
Completely off topic and having nothing to do with the Handjob Supply Program, I would like to remind the staff of the Sexual Expectation and Disappointment Department that we will be reviewing a new batch of data this Friday.
Your Friend in Erotic Science,
Dr. Otto Von Madd
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist, please press the button quickly once.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist, please press and hold the button once.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist with large breasts, please press the button twice quickly and then pause, then press the button and hold for two seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist with a great ass, please press the button once, pause and then press quickly twice.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a androgynous specialist with an undetermined sex, please press the button three times followed by two short presses.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist of African American descent, please press and hold the button for two seconds, then press it quickly three times and then press and hold for one second.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist of African American descent, please press and hold the button for three seconds, then press it quickly three times and then press and hold for one second.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist of Asian descent, please press and hold the button for four seconds, then press it quickly two times and then press and hold for two seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist of Asian descent, please press and hold the button for four seconds, then press it quickly two times and then press and hold for three seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist who's ass you can slap then press the button quickly eight times.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist who will slap your ass and verbally humiliate you then press the button quickly seven times.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist who's nipples you can pinch and twist then press the button quickly six times followed by a pause and then two quick presses.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist who will pinch and twist your nipples then press the button quickly five times followed by a pause and then three quick presses.
We apologize in advance for the small number of options currently available but we will endeavor to expand the selection every week.
We also appreciate your patience as we try out this new system. Please understand that the specialist you request will not be able to return to their deployment office until they have completed the order requested.
Completely off topic and having nothing to do with the Handjob Supply Program, I would like to remind the staff of the Sexual Expectation and Disappointment Department that we will be reviewing a new batch of data this Friday.
Your Friend in Erotic Science,
Dr. Otto Von Madd
Friday, January 06, 2012
Dirty Books: Deep Throat
Deep Throat is the book adaptation of the movie of the same name. The movie was such a phenomenon that they were trying to cash in any way they could and I guess a dirty book seemed like a great idea. It is written by D.M. Perkins and he had his work cut out for him. The movie was just an hour long and all of the dialogue could fit in a brochure. All in all, he did a pretty good job.I first read this book when I was a teenager stealing porn from my step-father. I was happy to buy my own copy from the excellent blog, Pop Sensation. If you like vintage books of a sleazy nature, you will love that blog.
The plot to the book is that Linda Lovelace is a girl who has never experienced an orgasm. After consulting with a sex doctor, she discovers her clitoris in located in her throat. She can now orgasm while giving blowjobs and much wackiness ensues.
Well, some wackiness ensues. Linda becomes a nurse therapist and uses her oral talents to help other sexually dysfunctional people overcome their own bizarre problems. This is the highlight of the book as Linda tackles difficult and perplexing problems that can be solved with oral sex.
Unfortunately for the reader, this phase comes to an end for Linda as she becomes unsatisfied with fun challenging sexual encounters and decides what she really needs is love. She takes a short detour and makes a porn movie about her life (OMG, so that is where the movie comes from!) before finally realizing that what a woman really needs in order to be happy is to be married.
Yeah. Now that you finally found your clit, Linda, you need to get married. Maybe the sexual revolution hadn't caught up to porn yet, I don't know.
I do want to say that this was a funny book. Sex scenes were more like sketch comedy scenes with an emphasis on the weirdness and inherent problem solving of the situation. Quite a few times I laughed out loud which is always welcome when reading porn. The book also discusses popular household brands which always feels extra naughty when reading a porn book. It was certainly a different time.
I also want to add that book is much more entertaining than the movie.
I give it Three Pam Griers out of Five.
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