Fiction: A Rebuttal

Dear Dr. Victor Mundac, Theoretical Sciences Chair of St. Nadius University,

I noticed that you published a paper recently in regards to my work on Multiversal Vibrator String Theory. I was excited to see such a renown intellect discussing my work. My excitement turned to disappointment as I saw that you did not believe my attempts to reach other universes by calibrating a sexual aid to the right synchronicity frequency was feasible. That was fine with me as science is all about disagreement and discussion but I was further disappointed by the personal attacks you made on my reputation. Specifically, I am referring to your quote on page five which I am repeating here.

"Dr. Otto Von Madd has obviously spent too much time penetrating himself God knows where and not enough time studying Hyatt's Theory of Parallel Universes are Nonsense."

I was disappointed but not offended by this comment. Personal attacks on fellow scientists is as old as Newton and Leibniz so I did not take this comment personal. What I do object to was your comment on my employees who helped pen this paper. I am referring of course to this quote on page 8.

"The fact that seven other scientists signed this paper is proof that there is too much bacchanal orgies at Von Madd Laboratories and not enough basic science."

How dare you, sir! The orgies at Von Madd Laboratories are a prime lubricant in the the theoretical process. Why, Dr. Wi perfected the singularity theory in the paper while being quadruple penetrated! I challenge you to come up with a recombinant theory unless you were being fucked at four orifices. It expands one's mind and concept of limitations.

It is on behalf of my fellow scientists that I have to decided to have my revenge on you, sir. I could write a paper with scathing refrences to your ability to think but I am too busy doing actual science. I shall instead demonstrate to you the power of a mind trained in the sexual sciences.

Please refer to Attachment A. That is a picture taken from my glasses while in the act of coutis with your wife. That expression that you may not recognize is her experiencing an orgasm. For future reference, this sexual act was committed on your couch and was quite enjoyable for all parties involved. I really appreciate the cookies she sent me the following day.

Now refer to Attachment B. This is a picture of me eating one of the cookies that your wife sent me the day after we had mutually pleasurable sex.

You should now refer to Attachment C. This is a picture taken from my glasses of your mistress with my cock in her mouth. It is my understanding that she had convinced you that she did not participate in such an act. The fact is, she just does not wish to commit the act with you. Please also note that after three hours of vigorous fucking, she has agreed that she is wasting her youth fucking an unimaginative simpleton such as yourself. I expect her to run off with a man closer to her age any time now.

Refer to Attachment D. Yes, that is your daughter in her college dorm room. Yes, that is my cock buried in her ass.

Please listen to the mp3 file listed as Attachment E. I will confirm that it is an audio recording of your daughter calling me "Daddy" and asking me to quote, "Bust a nut in her ass."

Now if it was simply my honor you had besmirched, I would stop here. Unfortunately for you, you insulted my employees who I have come to consider as my friends and sometimes sexual partners. On their behalf, I inflicted the last act of revenge.

Open Attachment F. The black and white photo of a woman fingering her vagina is in fact a picture of your maternal grandmother when she was twenty-one. I have forty such photos and the others are far more graphic than this one.

How do I have dirty pictures of your maternal grandmother? It is a funny story. When Dr. Wi was trying to contact another universe through her anal vibrator, she discovered that she could send vibrations back through time. We used this discovery to contact my great-uncle, Udo Von Madd who as well as being a renown pioneer in the science of clock making, was also quite the ladies' man. When I explained how the honor of my employees had been besmirched, Udo was happy to help us out.

If you doubt me, go ask your grandmother about a certain bearded gentlemen and his clockwork precision. You will notice a blush in her cheeks and a glimmer of bliss in her eye.

I hope this rebuttal fills you with shame, rage and inadequacy. I hope it also teaches you a lesson in dismissing the hard work of erotic scientists. Lastly, I hope this letter makes you choke and die.

Sincerely,
Dr. Otto Von Madd

Fiction: The Squix

Explorer’s Log: I am about to land on the 4th planet in the star system designated Bounce of the Queen’s Ass, by Royal Astronomers. I have been receiving audio transmission for the last week. The messages are in different languages including a primitive form of Verdana. Transmission is as follows.

We are the Squix. We welcome you with open limbs. Engaging diplomats are waiting to talk to you. Share our immense knowledge and resources. We seek interesting races and new relations with other species. If you are in this star system, please report to these coordinates. May unseen deities accompany your fortunes.

I will be landing near those coordinates to scout them out. The message is typical of those naïve races that believe that all species can get along. I will review their defenses and determine the best way to conquer these silly fools. Of course, there is always a tiny chance that this is some sort of trap but I will be ready for them. I haven’t killed anyone in weeks. End Explorer’s Log.

Explorer’s Personal Log: Just because they are stupidly hospitable to strangers is no reason not to take them up on it. I could do with some personal service and Queen knows I could do with a good fuck. I just realized that it has been close to a year since I have had my cunt eaten. Gods damn, that is too long. End Explorer’s Personal Log.

The coordinates were for a rock quarry. Deep Space Explorer Vaquel Di shrugged. Everyone needs rocks. She was expecting a city but all she saw was mining equipment and automated machines.

Vaquel sighed. She was really looking forward to getting laid. She had on her cute purple spacesuit and it was so tight, you could see every inch of her buoyant breasts and her even more gravity defying ass. The glassteel helmet exposed her cute brown face with her short pink bangs. It took her an extra half hour to get her bangs to have that just right bounce of sexy playfulness.

Vaquel walked down the hill towards the quarry. Her scanners weren’t picking up any life signs but they might be inside the mine itself. She was picking up robots although there was only three of them. It seemed like a quarry this size would need more robots.

Even odder was the range of robots. There was a shiny small one that looked like a barrel on two legs. The second robot was as big as a car and rolled around on six wheels. It looked rusted and badly maintained. The third robot was humanoid and pitch black. She didn’t understand their functions at all.

“Hey!” she yelled from the edge of the quarry. “I have come to meet the Squix! Take me to your people! The Squix! Do you understand anything I am saying?”

All three robots stopped what they were doing. The humanoid looked at her and emitted a high pitched series of beeps. The other robots responded with similar beeps. After three seconds, they charged up the quarry slope towards her.

Deep Space Explorers with a trusting attitude get flunked out of the program early on. Vaquel’s natural suspicions took over and she pulled out her plasma pistol. It was the speed of the robots that bothered her. The wheeled robot was coming so fast that it kicked up a shitload of dirt in a hurry to reach her. Even the small robot with stubby legs was tearing up the slope like it was on fire. These robots were way too eager to reach her.

Vaquel fired a warning shot at the ground in front of the wheeled robot. Super heated gas vaporized the dirt but the wheeled robot didn’t slow down. The second shot was aimed for the dead center of the wheeled robot. She smiled as the front of the robot exploded in shrapnel but her smile died as the smoke cleared. The rusty robot hull was damaged but still intact.

“Fuck, it must have be a war robot,” she said. Vaquel turned around and ran as fast as she could.

The robot was faster. It sped past her and then spun in the sand in front of her. A weapons port opened and a long cylinder emerged. Vaquel froze in terror as she waited for the weapon to fire.

The cylinder didn’t fire. In fact, it looked a lot like a cock. Well, a cock designed to ram a large bovine creature, but it was certainly a cock.

Vaquel fired her plasma pistol again. She shot at the cock and it exploded in a cloud of super heated plasma. The robot screeched at her in a burst of fast paced beeps.

“Fuck you, too!” Vaquel yelled back.

She was tackled from behind. The pistol fell from her hand and she cursed at the heavy weight on top of her. It was the black humanoid robot. Her hands were pinned to the sand and the robot’s legs were pinning her knees. She wasn’t going anywhere.

Vaquel still had to try. She twisted and turned but the robot held her tight. The short robot reached her and sat down on her back. She cried out as her breasts were crushed into the sand.

“What do you fucks want?” she yelled.

The black robot no longer needed to pin her wrists. Metal fingers tore through her space suit and ripped it free of her ass. The space suit was designed to withstand tremendous stress but the robot tore through it like it was paper.

Vaquel really wished that she had worn panties for this mission. Her bare ass was exposed to the robots and sand was getting on her cunt.

Another burst of beeps came from the metal robot. Her ass tingled as some sort of scanner took readings of her pelvis. The black robot forced her thighs apart and slipped two warm metal fingers into her cunt.

“Oh shit!” Vaquel yelled. She hated to admit it but the fingers felt great. They were made of metal but the fingers had ten times the dexterity of some of her former lovers. Despite her anger and fear, her cunt was responding with a gush of pleasure.

All three robots streamed their incomprehensible beeps. They were communicating and Vaquel had no idea what they were discussing. What kind of robots penetrate an organic’s cunt anyway?

The humanoid robot removed his fingers and Vaquel felt him kneeling between her legs. The short robot on her chest rose up from her back. Before Vaquel could get up, the short robot’s feet came down on Vaquel’s wrists and pinned them to the sand.

“I demand to see the Squix!” she yelled.

The humanoid robot answered her with a thrust. Something hot, metal and fucking perfect slipped into her cunt. It was the perfect length for her sex. It was the perfect girth. She was filled and she shuddered on the robot’s impalement.

“We are the Squix,” the robot said behind her. “The sum of a vast fortune will be deposited into your accounts. Sexually promiscuous partners will be aroused by your anatomical measurements. Respond to this message to see culturally sensitive body parts forbidden in your area. We are the Squix.”

“Oh shit,” Vaquel moaned. The Squix were an artificial intelligence race. They were rare but they do occur out here in the wilds of space. Rogue robots often infect other robots with their intelligence, duplicating their priorities and objectives among each other like a philosophical virus. No wonder the robots looked so different, they were all converted from their original functions.

The Squix rammed into her. Vaquel moaned at the mechanical precision. The Squix rammed in and out of her with a speed that defied biological limits. She could also feel that the robot was adding lubricant although there was certainly no need. Vaquel’s sex was wet enough for whatever the Squix had planned.

There were sexbots back home of course but Euphorians had little use for sex partners that they could not inflict sadistic desires upon. Vaquel doubted any of the sexbots back home were this good at fucking. The Squix was beeping as it fucked, almost as if it was moaning. Was that even possible? What could a robot possibly get out of sex?

Ten thrusts later, Vaquel didn’t care. She pushed back against his cock. Her body determined his rhythm and matched it. It was the first real fuck that she had in weeks. It may have been the best fuck she had in years. Damn, it might be the best fuck ever. Vaquel was going to get as much as she could from this situation.

After a good long fucking, the humanoid Squix pulled out. Vaquel snarled in anger. “Get back in there!” she commanded.

The Squix beeped at the smaller one and the smaller one let go of her wrists. Freedom was short lived as the humanoid Squix spun her onto her back and spread her legs. The Squix held her legs apart as it re-entered her. Vaquel trembled as the robot’s cock now began to vibrate.

“Glory to the Queen!” Vaquel cried. She climaxed as the robot fucked her without pause. She was relieved that the fucking wasn’t over yet.

The smaller robot stood over her head. A small drill descended from the bottom of the barrel. Vaquel screamed but the Squix kept fucking her. She watched in horror as the drill shattered her nearly invincible glasssteel helmet.

This was not how Vaquel imagined dying. Being screwed by a robot was one thing but getting her face screwed by a drill was entirely different. She reached for one of her weapons on her utility belt but the humanoid Squix grabbed her hands. She screamed as she watched the drill come closer to her face.

The drill retracted. Vaquel let out a sigh of relief until something new snaked out of the bottom of the short robot. The tip was unmistakably a cock.

“What the fu-“ was all Vaquel was able to get out before the metal cock pushed into her lips. She tried to bite but the metal was unforgiving. The flexible cock entered her mouth and came dangerously close to coming down her throat.

Releif washed over Vaquel. Not that she knew that she wasn’t going to die; she could relax into the cock sucking. She didn’t know if the robot could feel anything but Vaquel was going to try.

The cock in her mouth began to pump in and out. The little shit robot was fucking her mouth! Vaquel started to laugh but then she choked on the cock. The cock of course didn’t stop fucking her mouth.

There was no escape. Vaquel didn’t want to escape. Vaquel’s sex was being fucked with the power and stamina that she could only dream of. The cock in her mouth satisfied her oral urges and she liked watching the smaller robot shake and shudder. This might be the best first contact with an artificial intelligence race ever.

She climaxed again. She came a third time. The two robots gave no sign of slowing down. Vaquel wasn’t sure if she wanted them to.

The wheeled robot squealed a series of beeps. Out of the corner of Vaquel’s eye, she saw another pseudo cock emerge from the hull of the ship. It was disturbingly long, at least half the length of Vaquel’s leg. She really didn’t like how it as dripping some sort of oil. That was a cock that was meant to be used.

The wheeled robot broadcasted another series of beeps. The cock in Vaquel’s mouth retracted as well as the one in her cunt. The smaller robot stepped away as the humanoid robot picked her up by the shoulders.

“There is now way that is going inside me!” Vaquel yelled as she pointed at the wheeled Squix’s cock.

“We are the Squix,” the humanoid robot said. “We are attractive sexual partners waiting for you. Your naming protocol has been selected to receive large amounts of wealth and reduced prices on aphrodisiacs. Please submit and surrender your credit information to this address.”

The Squix pushed Vaquel by the shoulders to towards the wheeled robot. Vaquel’s boots dug in the sand but the Squix was too strong. The wheeled robot revved it’s engines in anticipation of fucking her.

The robot had her shoulders but her hands were free. She reached for her utility belt and tried to think of something that could take these bastards out. Incendiary grenades were useless on things that didn’t burn. Viral grenades were pointless too. She doubted that smoke grenades would slow down robots. A sonic grenade would just give her an ear ache and these metal squealing robots probably wouldn’t notice.

Or would they?

Vaquel had nothing to lose. She activated the sonic grenade. A million thousand different sounds erupted and Vaquel trembled with pain.

The Squix reacted. The smaller robot spun around and fell. The humanoid robot released her and started punching its own head. The wheeled robot opened a weapon port and launched a dozen rockets at the far end of the quarry.

Vaquel smiled. She also ran. Her teeth were aching from the sonic grenade but she carried it with her. It was the only protection she had.

It was a long run back to the ship. Her brown ass was exposed to the sun, her mouth tasted like metal and her sex was bruised in the way that only great sex could bruise. She clutched the sonic grenade with a death grip

Explorer’s Log: I reached the Deep Space Probe and took off immediately. The Squix didn’t chase me and I suspect it is because the sonic grenade flooded their audio receptors with useless information. I realized that a race that relied on audio communication might also receive commands from each other in the same way. It was a gamble but for the sake of my worn out cunt, I am glad it paid off. They may adapt to this in the future but since I have no idea why a group of robots decided that the liked fucking organics in the first place, there is no telling.

Enclosed is my report on the Squix and my recommendations that they be investigated for value to the Queen. If there is a race of artificial intelligence that likes to fuck, then the Queen should be their Mistress. End Explorer’s Log.

Explorer’s Personal Log: I am off to sleep. For the first time since this mission started, I have been fucked to the point of being sated. I am going to sleep well tonight.

I hope that is not the last I see of the Squix.

Dirty Books: Doktormentor #1

Doktor Mentor by Shh3D Productions is a comic book about a crazed surgeon who operates on the hypersexual women of a lady's prison. The doctor is operating in secret within the bowels of the prison and kidnaps prisoners who catch his fancy. I say comic book but all the panels are photographs with word balloons. It is like a storyboard for the most fucked up softcore b-movie you have never seen.

What makes this book really special is how ludicrous it is. Everything is done for laughs and it is one of the few titillation stories I have read that had me laughing out loud when I was supposed to. Despite the torture porn premise, this is really bondage/distress slapstick with rather cool sets and props.

A lot of love and comedy went into this comic. The girls are hot and they get naked a lot, but it is the writing that is the real star. I would buy this for the story alone.

As an added feature, there is a bonus story in 3-D. Tits, funny writing and 3-D? All it is missing is popcorn and 64 ounces of soda to complete the b-movie experience.

I give it three out of five Pam Griers.

The Quantum Cancer

I talked to my oncologist on Thursday and it was a nice long talk. One thing I have noticed is that more specialized a doctor is, the more time he has to chat. Primary Physicians give you less time than the drive thru window at Sonic but the cancer doctor spent an hour talking to me.

He broke it down like this. My nad had a tumor growing in it that hulked it out. The tumor didn't break through the nad which is good, but there were some cancer cells by the blood vessels that go to the lymph nodes, which is bad.

How bad? It depends. My CT scan didn't reveal anything but that could mean that the cancer is inside my lymph nodes and not causing any visible signs. That could mean a few thousand cells escaped which could be killed by my body without help. OR it could mean that a few million cells are in there happily multiplying and working their way up to a tumor.

I have two options. I can spend two years doing regular tests to see if the cancer has returned. If it don't, that's great. If it does show up, oops, it will be harder to kill because it had time to grow.

The other option is to go through two rounds of chemo, lose some hair, undergo some nausea and other side effects and have a 99% chance of killing anything that escaped.

As a writer I think of loose uncertain ends as guaranteed plot twists later. If I wrote that a character had a small chance of cancer returning, you best beleive the cancer is returning at a very plot dramatic moment. The idea of not pulling the trigger and exterminating all cancer seems foolish. On the other hand, chemo is a hell of a trigger.

I am still waiting back on some blood tests. Funny enough, it is a pregnancy marker. If I had a womb it would mean a bundle of joy but since I am a man it means a bundle of terror. It was pretty high pre-nad removal and was pretty low post-nad removal but it needs to be like zero. When I get the blood results from Thursday, it will give us a better idea of whether I have a little cancer terrorist in me.

Either way I haven't decided which to do. My brain says go for the chemo but my heart is like, "Hasn't 2012 sucked enough already?" I am sure I will pick chemo but right now I want a few more results.

Fiction: A Dancer Saved My Life

It started with tears. Catalina, that beautiful magic woman that Eric would give his life for, was crying in the hotel bed.

“What’s the matter?” Eric said. He held her as she cried. No, she was wailing. She was wailing like a teenager with a broken heart.

As it turns out, that was exactly the problem.

~~~

The music was loud. It was too loud to make out the words. Eric could feel the beat though. It pulsed and pounded inside his heart like a drum summoning him to battle. No, it was summoning him to fuck. Wait, it was summoning him to dance.

The beat moved his hips. The beat guided his shoulders. He moved his head back and forth to a rhythm that seemed almost obvious to him. The music was a pattern that told his body what to do. Eric danced and nothing could have been easier.

How could he have never noticed this before? Dancing was simple. It was pure. It was like being told to move your right leg and you just had to obey.

Eric danced. The music flowed through his body. He still couldn’t hear the words but the felt the song. It was a song about fucking. Things were uncertain but in the end, someone would get laid.

Eric sang along to the music and he still didn’t know the words.

~~~

“Someone is going to have their heart broken,” Catalina said. “Someone so young and intense that when their heart is broken, they will never truly be happy again.”

Eric listened. Catalina was a Voluptumancer. It was sort of like a witch, except all of her magic was about sex. From anyone else, it would sound like sentimental horoscope crap but from Catalina, it meant exactly what she said. Someone was about to have their heart broken so badly that Catalina could feel it happening hours before it did.

“We have to stop it,” Catalina said. “No one should be that sad.”

She looked up at Eric.

“You will have to help her. You will have to go to the dance club.”

~~~

Eric found the girl with the broken heart. Tears had ruined her mascara. She had blonde hair with a shock of red that her mother probably hated but that the ex boyfriend had called cool. She was dancing with the abandon of one that will never love again.

They didn’t know anything about the breakup except it happened here in the dance club. Catalina said all dance clubs were temples to magic and here the girl had lost her faith in love. Maybe he dumped her. Perhaps he had cheated on her. Whatever happened, it happened on the dance floor.

That is where it needed to be healed.

He couldn’t believe how young she looked. She had her whole world ahead of her and she couldn’t see it. The rest of her life would be one sad track after another.

“Fuck that,” Eric said.

~~~

“I can’t dance,” Eric said.

“Men always say that,” Catalina said. “No man ever claims that he can’t fuck. They have the desire to fuck and to them, that is the same as being able to fuck. Dancing is the same way.”

“So you are saying that I should want to dance and I’ll be able to?”

“No,” Catalina said. “Wanting to dance just means that you can dance without caring if you are good at it. If you want to be good at dancing, you need to practice, loosen up and learn to follow the music. Since we have one night to save the heart of a girl, we’re going to cheat.”

Eric watched her lift his shirt and squat down in front of him. His cock throbbed like it always did when Catalina was near it. Instead of touching his bulge, she planted a kiss on his hip. He didn’t feel anything until she kissed the other hip. That was when he felt the electrical pulsing connecting both hips.

“What did you do?” he asked.

“I have invited a spirit into your body,” Catalina said. “They usually haunt dance clubs but this one will let you posses it for the evening.”

“Don’t you mean that it will possess me?” Eric said.

Catalina smiled. “I know what I said.”

~~~~

He could feel the power of the beat. He wasn’t just dancing great, he was feeling great. He felt free. He felt liberated after years of not knowing he was a slave. Eric wanted to share that happiness with everyone. This one night, he loved the world, even that dick asshole that broke this girl’s heart.

He wove through the crowd. He made his way beside her, never breaking his dance.

“Hey!” he yelled beside her.

“Hey,” she answered back. It was reflex. She blinked back tears and tried to put on that uncaring face that every clubber had to learn. Her heart was broken but for this stranger, she would pretend to be cooler than she was.

Eric didn’t care. He danced towards her. His body moved but his eyes were on her. He smiled the smile of a man who has nothing to lose but still expects to win.

There was a hint of a smile on her lips but they faded. She was still distant. In fact, she was slowing down. She was going to walk off the dance floor.

The music changed. It was an angry song. It was a call to revolution but a revolution with a nice hook and a catchy chorus with a hint of some heavy petting later.

Eric could use this. He grabbed her hand and ignored the shocked look on her face. He realized that what he was doing could technically get him kicked out of the club but his hips refused to believe that. He believed in the beat.

He placed a hand on her hips. Her eyes widened as the pulse in his hips arced through his arm and touched her hips. Now she was dancing with the same rhythmic perfection as him.

“My name is Eric,” he said.

“Jessica,” she said. She was smiling now.

They danced. The music blew around them and their bodies vibrated in response.

Eric knew that other people were on the dance floor but he could only see Jessica. The beat was inside her and her body proved it. Her hips didn’t move, they flowed. He watched her breasts jiggled with every shake of her shoulders. She moved her neck with the ease of a serpent. Jessica didn’t move to the music, the music moved to her.

The song changed. It was about sex.

Jessica pulled him closer. Their hips joined. His leg was between hers and her leg was between his. He looked down into her eyes and saw the lust there.

They grinded together. Eric groaned as he felt his cock engulfed in heat. The look in Jessica’s eyes told him that something similar had happened to her. They both glanced down but no, they still had pants on. There was no denying however that he was inside her.

Eric didn’t understand. He kept dancing and felt his cock slip in and out of her.

Jessica moaned and bit her lip. He noticed that she didn’t stop dancing either.

They danced. They fucked. Eric wondered if it was the same thing.

He wondered if Catalina knew this would happen. He thought of the Voluptumancer and knew there was no way that she couldn’t. Funny how she neglected to mention it.

He didn’t care. The song was playing and he just wanted to dance. He didn’t know how he could feel inside Jessica but he didn’t care. He didn’t want the song to end. He wanted to dance with Jessica forever.

She climaxed. He held her up as she shuddered but he noticed her hips kept moving.

Jessica climaxed again. He felt her contract around his cock as the singer ended a long note. The song shifted to the pure music of synthesizers and drum machines.

They fucked.

They danced.

They fucked.

They danced.

They fucked.

They danced.

The singer returned to the song as Eric climaxed. He felt his seed leave his cock but there was no rush of sticky heat to his pants. The shuddering moan of Jessica told him where it went.

The song ended. They both stopped dancing and held onto each other for support. Another song started but they didn’t move.

“What was that?” Jessica said.

Eric looked her in the eyes. “Have you ever felt it before?” he said.

“No,” Jessica said. Her cheeks were flushed. The tracks of her mascara still showed her tears but her eyes were happy. She was beaming with happiness.

“That’s living,” Eric said. “Just a good dance with a good partner.”

“Cool,” she said. And she walked away.

Eric was stunned. He thought she would want to stay with him. After having her heart broken, shouldn’t she want to be with him?

Then he saw her dance. She was so damn good it hurt to look at her. He tried to move with the music and he did, but not as good as before. She had the beat.

He left the club. Catalina was waiting outside. He went to her and kissed her as hard as he could. He was happy for Jessica but he loved Catalina.

“Good job,” she said. His lips were tingling from how hard they had kissed.

“Come on,” he said. “I want to dance with you.”

Revenge of the Giant Nad

The urologist reports that the Giant Nad was cancerous. It didn't have any visible branches into other organs or blood vessels so there is a chance that it was all removed when the Giant Nad was removed.

On Monday I go to get a mess of body CAT scans to see if they can find signs of the cancer anywhere else. If that is the case, then it will be chemo treatments.

I was a bit disappointed to not be issued a cancer ribbon right then and there but apparently you have to buy that yourself. I might commission an artist to do it.

In my mind I knew that it was 99.9% likely it was cancer but it is a weird world and I have learned not to dread anything until it is right in my face. Cancer is in my face now and although there is a very high chance that it is already gone, the more successful strategy is to assume it is not and search for it.

Mortality is a funny thing. I find myself thinking about the book I am working on where seven magnificent female gunslingers in the wild west band together to fight vampires. From that start of that novel, I knew some of those characters were going to die and now I feel like I have something in common with them. I worry that the cancer anxiety will impact the quality of my writing and I feel a strange obligation to the characters to do the best job possible. We all only get one chance to tell our story.

I am feeling pretty morbid so I will stop here before I start sounding like one of the replicants from Blade Runner. As always, I appreciate the kind words and warm thoughts that you have shared with me these past few weeks. It means a lot to me and is more of a comfort than you could ever imagine.

Fiction: Space Hump

Explorer’s Log: I am stopping the Deep Space Probe for a maintenance check. I am currently two week’s travel away the star system designated Bounce of the Queen’s Ass, by Royal Astronomers. Thrust speed has dropped by eight percent and there is no hot water in the hygienic pod. I expect it is a problem with one of the solar sails and I will be going on a spacewalk to investigate. End Explorer’s Log.

Explorer’s Personal Log: That lack of hot water is definitely a problem but not as bad as the fact that the pulse function on my shower head was inoperable. Fuck, if I don’t start my day with an orgasm in the hygienic pod, then I am cranky the rest of the day cycle. This is unacceptable. End Explorer’s Personal Log.

Vaquel Di stood on the outside of her Probe Ship. The deep purple hull of the ship glowed in the darkness of space. Thousands of stars twinkled around her, watching silently as Vaquel slowly walked towards the solar sails.

There was no one around for light years but Vaquel still took the time to look good. The white spacesuit that she wore clung to every curve of her round breasts and her rounder ass. She put on pink lipstick that matched the color of her hair. Her short pink hair floated in zero gravity inside her glassteel helmet. Maybe it was her constant state of horniness but Vaquel treated every day as a chance to meet someone new. If the impossible happened and someone did appear then she was going to look good enough to fuck.

No one appeared. Vaquel slowly walked the hull of her ship. The magnet locks in her boots kept her attached to the hull but it was slow going. It gave her plenty of time to speculate on how optimistic it was to not wear panties under her spacesuit.

Vaquel found the problem right away. One of the solar sails was dark which meant it wasn’t connected to the rest of the ship. The conduit fin next to it was shaking back and forth against the hull. It must have come loose during the last lift off. It was an easy fix.

She bent down to grab the conduit fin. As soon as her hands touched the fin, she felt the powerful vibrations that had shook it loose. The conduit fin must attach directly to one of the life support. Even at a dead stop in space, the life support engines were cranking at full power. The vibrations were so strong that it shook her entire body.

“Praise the Queen,” Vaquel said. She could use this.

The explorer carefully swung one leg of the conduit fin. As the stars sparkled around her, Vaquel mounted the fin. The magnetic boots locked her in place as she lowered herself onto the vibrating fin.

“Fuck,” Vaquel groaned. The thin material of her spacesuit could keep out cosmic rays, Xorian particles and the malign influence of the Space Vampire, but it offered zero resistance to vibrations. Vaquel’s cunt appreciated that.

The vibrations of the conduit made it hard to hold onto with her hands so Vaquel just had to lower herself onto it. Her thighs straddled the vibration piece of the hull and the magnetic boots kept her from flying off into space. The strength of the vibrations shook her entire body and Vaquel groaned as her nipples hardened against her tight suit.

She didn’t need another person to appear now. If a group of space traveling humanoids with multiple cocks appeared right now, she might shoot them for interrupting her. The horny explorer rubbed against the conduit fin with passionate abandon.

The stars watched her silently. The vastness of space embraced her as she humped the malfunctioning hull part. Millions of miles separated her from any living thing but Vaquel didn’t care. For one brief moment, she treasured the isolation. She wasn’t sure that would be performing such a decadent act upon herself if someone was watching.

Vaquel moaned. She grabbed her tits with both hands. The sheer spacesuit material was almost as good as wearing nothing at all. Her fingers found her nipples and pinched with all of Vaquel’s passion. Vaquel squeezed her breasts as the conduit fin provided more vibrating pleasure for her cunt.

She humped the conduit. With the magnetic boots securing her to the hull, Vaquel was able to dance and grind with as much wild gyrations as her cunt desired. She humped fast. She humped slow. Her hips twisted and spun in order to get every last sensation she craved.

Vaquel screamed her orgasm.

In space, no one can hear her come.

Fall of the Giant Nad

I am back from surgery. My crotch hurts and it hurts worse when I laugh which to a guy like me is like every two minutes.

The surgeon says everything went fine and a crack team of scientists are looking at my giant nad and will have a report sometime next week.

I am going to go zone out and find something really unfunny to watch on tv. Which could be an Adam Sandler marathon. Oh snap!

Giant Nad Removal FAQ

I am going to answer some of the more common questions about my Giant Nad.

Who the what now?: Last Thursday I noticed that my right nad was the size of a tennis ball. A trip to the doctor was followed by a trip to the uruologist and said that thing has got to go. Tomorrow on Friday morning, I will be going into surgery to have my giant nad removed.

Motherfuck!:I know, right? Apparently a nad never becomes giant unless something seriously wrong is going on. Ultrasounds show that it is a solid mass so it is probably cancer. We won't know until they remove the Giant Nad and it is sent for analysis, I am assuming by Science Officer Spock.

Does having a giant nad hurt?: Oddly, no. It is in the fucking way though. I am sitting here with my legs spread like a porn star because any tighter and I will be smashing my nad.

Holy shit! Are they going to cut your nad out with that castration machine from the cheesy science fiction movie, Ice Pirates?:



That was what I was thinking! No, what they do is far nastier sounding. They will cut my abdomen and pull on some muscle that connects to my nad. They will fish my nad out through my bell and snip it.

Jesus Fucking Christ!: The Doctor promised me that it will only hurt "A whole heck of a lot" and that I will have lots of pain killers.

Since they are taking your goddamn nad, you get like a week in the hospital right?: Nope, it is out patient. You pop in, they pop the nad out, you go home.

When are you becoming half a man?: My surgery is at 7 in the morning but I need to be there 1.5 hours early to fill out paperwork. Yes, losing a nad requires so much paperwork.

How will we know if you're alright?: My wife will tweet that I am still kicking when we get home. I may be unconcious or high on pain killers at the time.

We still get a new story next Wednesday, right?: Yes because porn waits for no nads.

Ask me anything I missed in comments.

Fiction: Run

They bring me out to the arena and the crowd goes wild. I am Pandal Sor, the man who almost killed Queen Erishella. The nasty citizens of Euphoria scream insults at the man who tried to kill their Queen. They shout abuse so loud that it turns into a deafening indecipherable roar.

The crowd cheers as the guards strip my clothes from me. They gasp at the horrible scars on my body though they do not know that a cosmetic surgeon added some of the more horrible looking injuries. I tried to plant a bomb on the Queen’s bedroom; the citizens want to be believed that I have been abused properly for this crime.

My cock is limp but the guards fix that. A quick shot of Fuckitone in the thigh and my cock surges to life. My balls tingle with a fierce desire to ejaculate. My own mind forgets the crowd and I think about fucking. Man or woman, my cock just wants to bury itself in something.

The arena is filled with barriers and places to hide. At the other end of the arena was Queen Erishella herself. She was naked on a rug of Delonean Beast fur. The Queen was stroking the thick mass of her pubic hair while a giant vidscreen above her broadcast her masturbation to the entire crowd.

I look at the vidscreen and my cock throbs. I am going to fuck that. I still want to kill her, but if I make it across the arena, then I am allowed ten minutes with her. I am also allowed my freedom and a handsome reward of credits.

I plan to fuck her and kill her. With the Fuckitone coursing through my body, I am not particular about what I do first.

My body leans forward to start running. The guards grab my arms. They don’t want this sick game to begin just yet.

The announcers begin to list the names of those who will try to stop me. Thirty lucky audience members were chosen at random and escorted to thirty sniper towers. Each is being given a high accuracy Laser Rifle with barely adequate targeting scopes. Their chances of hitting me are remote, but then if they do, they are promised cash prizes and a trip to a Pleasure Palace.

Along with the thirty lucky audience members are ten elite sharpshooters chosen from the Queen’s Army. It is considered a great honor to be chosen.

If I make it the Queen, the unlucky audience members and the sharpshooters will be executed in various painful ways. That has never happened.

Yet.

There is a chime and the guards release me. I am running instantly. The Fuckitone is filling my mind with thoughts of cunt, ass, tits and Queen Erishella. I want to fuck. The giant vidscreen tells me where to run and taunts me with close-ups of the queen fingering her pussy.

Yes bitch, get it wet and ready for me.

The ground beside me sizzles from a missed laser shot. I remember the sharpshooters and duck towards a barrier wall. The barriers are barely as tall as me, just so a very lucky headshot can still happen. The barriers are also placed rather randomly and only extend for a few feet. It creates a maze that both hinders and protects me.

I hear the barrier crackle as dozens of shots slam into it. I imagine it is the unskilled audience members firing. The sharpshooters will take their time.

My training as an assassin comes to mind. I should be running in a crouch. I should be running in an erratic manner. I should duck and weave.

Fuck it. I’m too horny. That Slut Queen Erishella is pumping three fingers into her cunt when it should be my cock.

I run faster. My cock bounces between my legs, eager to defile that bitch.

Ten minutes is all they will give me when I reach her. Ten minutes to choke the life out of her with my bare hands as my cock rams her pussy. Ten long minutes as I bend her over and fuck her ass like she has fucked the asses of other kingdoms. Ten long glorious minutes to break her neck as I fuck her senseless.

I’m getting closer.

More laser shots miss. One burns my arm with a near hit. The sharpshooters are firing. They are getting nervous because I am so close.

Despite my urge to fuck, some part of my survival instincts kick in. I hug the barrier wall before sprinting to the safety of another barrier. I jump for no reason and laugh as laser shots pepper the ground.

I am so close to the Queen that I can smell her.

The crowd is screaming. I have come farther than anyone else has. Their cruel game of offering me their Queen now seems foolhardy. There is fear in the crowd’s roar and it just makes me cock harder.

Ten yards away. The Queen is on her back. Her knees are spread wide. Her right hand is stroking twice as fast as I am running.

I hear a shot and my ear hurts. Another near miss.

Another few yards a shot hits the ground in front of me.

Another yard and a shot comes so close to my cock that it singes the hairs on my balls.

I am so fucking close. I jump in the air. I dive down onto her body.

The Queen smiles at me. Her long black hair forms a dark halo around her head on the fur rug. She licks her lips as I dive down onto her.

Her left hand has a laser pistol. She fires at me while her other hand keeps masturbating.

The shot goes through my neck. Queen Erishella rolls out from under me as I crash into the fur rug. I hit the rug hard and blood explodes out from my open throat.

The crowd goes wild.