Me and my giant nad went to the urologist yesterday. The waiting room was empty and every single magazine there was sports related. It was very macho.
The paperwork to fill out was daunting. Half of it was questions about how much I pee. There was one section where they ask me to describe the problem. I may have been a little flippant with my answer.
"Right testicle is greatly enlarged."
The other half of the paperwork were disclaimers and promises to pay money. I saw that quote that I love so much in these kind of papers, the one that gives you all the confidence.
"I, the undersigned, understand that medicine is not an exact science."
My biochemist wife gets a big kick out of that part. It goes into her list as to why medical doctors are not nearly as cool as biochemist doctors.
They let me into the examination room where I can not help but notice that this is the most kinky doctor's room I have ever seen. There are TWO giant bottles of lube. There are plenty of latex gloves and tissues. There are little precise instruments that I know go up your penis. It was not a relaxing room.
My doctor comes in and I swear to Vincent Price that he might be twenty-five. He is also Asian with an unfortunate mustache that reminds me of my Asian friends in high school who were not quite old enough to pull off a mustache yet.
The doctor wanted to do an ultrasound himself. It was a world of a difference with a male doctor. Instead of a dozen towels, the guy slapped on gloves and got the fuck in there. I have never been so happy to have a guy playing with my junk. I am at the point where I just want answers as fast as possible. Modesty is way down on my list of concerns.
Then comes the questions. "You said this has just been here a week? You sure it was a week? A week you say?"
He says that he can tell that it is a solid mass and that my giant nad is growing. The fact that it has grown so fast is what they in the medical profession call, "A bad thing." He wants to get the Giant Nad out and he wants it out ASAP.
Apparently, cutting your nad out is the FIRST step in diagnosis. They just can't cut in there and take a peek first. He is concerned about the speed of the growth and he wants to get it out and have it analyzed. From there we will see if it is cancer or some sort of parasitic twin like Dr. Venture's brother, Jonas. (I plan to name him Thomas if that is the case.)
So, they will take out my right nad, check out the growth and then look to see if the cancer is anywhere else. They are going to try to get me in for surgery this Friday but since I haven't heard back from them, that is not a definite.
Correction- I just called them and they told me that the surgery is for Friday at 7am and you know what? They told me all this and I forgot it. I guess that is what they mean by shock. I remember the conversation now but I totally forgot it two minutes later.
So, the Giant Nad is coming out on Friday.
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Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Free Today: The Wolf Inside
The Wolf Inside is free on Kindle today. Tomorrow it will go back up to regular price. I meant to tell you Friday but you know, giant nad. I posted "The Wolf Inside" a few years ago and it remains pretty popular. You can get the ebook for Kindle for free by clicking here.
Did you know that you can read Amazon Kindle books on just about anything?Here is the page to get an app for your e-reader.
If you could write a review, that would be pretty cool too.
In Giant Nad news, I am going to the urologist today so I will give you an update tomorrow. Wish my Giant Nad luck.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Adventures of the Giant Nad
All this week I have had an annoying experience with my balls always getting in my way. I would lay on my side and my legs would crush my balls. I would sit down and my balls would get trapped in my underwear. I felt my balls and they seemed okay if a bit lower than usual. I figured that I was just getting old.
Then on Thursday night I got really annoyed with my balls getting in the way and I took a really good look. I felt around and realized that what I thought was my balls packed tightly together was actually one ball the size of a tennis ball. The other poor nad was attached to it on the side like a moon.
Holy shit.
I went to my doctor the next morning. I love my doctor. She is smart and warm but she also looks like she is about fourteen and even though I know she is married and has a child, she will always be the female Doogie Howser to me.
Dr. Howersette went right into action. We went through a checklist and she was surprised that I wasn't feeling pain. She wanted to examine my balls but first she needed to bring in a chaperone. The chaperone was a nurse who never left the door and was mortified to be there. She was not half as mortified as I was when I had to drop trousers and let Dr. Howserette feel my balls.
Cough cough. No hernia.
Feel, fondle, play a little. No pain.
Dr. Howserette thought it might be fluid built up in a cyst. She gave me a referral to get an ultrasound.
I go to the ultrasound office and wait an hour and a half. I read political magazines that were 8 months old talking about what an awesome candidate Herman Cain was. Thank Vincent Price there was a National Geographic there so I could spend time reading about the crazy men who patrol Greenland with dog sled teams. I kept wondering how tiny their balls were in 60 below weather.
Anyhoo, I finally get my ultrasound. The doctor is cute short Hispanic woman who informs me that I need to change into a backless gown. She leaves the room for me to change. She comes back and tells me to get on the bed and she starts handing me towels. One towel is to go under my nads to lift them up and keep them up. One towel is to go over my penis and the third towel is for quote, "To clean yourself afterwards."
I am over being shy at this point. I have bene to so many bdsm parties with casual nudity that I am just not fazed. Any shame I may have was obliterated when Dr. Howsette fondled my balls. I am in "Let's get shit done" mode and the thought of wasting time for modesty was just annoying. I wanted her to just get in there and do what needs to be done.
But I am at heart an easy going person even with a tennis ball for a nad. I put the towel under my nads. I put the other towel on my cock. Now, when I am flaccid, my cock is about .1 microns in length. I have this giant towel and I'm trying to cover something so small while at the same time not get int he way of the nads that it is attached to.
I was concerned that if I got a single cock throb, that my limp penis would twitch and escape my towel confines and scar for life the Hispanic woman who needs so many towels.
Inner Dialogue
"Go to your Happy Place, Shon. Ignore everything and go to your Happy Place!"
"Wait, my Happy Place is tits!"
"Shit, go your other Happy Place!"
"My Other Happy Place is spanking women's asses!"
"Go to the non-sex Happy Place!"
"THERE IS NO NON-SEX HAPPY PLACE!"
"Wait, we've been playing Star Trek Online. Go there! Science has proven there is no sex for nerds who obsess about Star Trek!"
"You're right! And while we are talking about Star Trek Online, how come we are looting the Klingons we defeat? Kirk might do that, but Picard really check the pockets of people he just phasered . . ."
The ultrasound lady meanwhile is smearing warm gel on my balls and rubbing a sensor over them. This goes on for about twenty minutes. Thanks to the miracle of Star Trek, I managed to not get an erection.
I clean off the gel and go home. I get a call from Dr. Howserette.
"Shon, the mass appears to not be a liquid but is most likely a solid."
"A solid what?" I said.
"It could be a tumor. We'll have to go to a urologist to be sure."
"Well, fuck."
So that is where we are now. I have an appointment for Monday which means me and my giant ball will have the weekend together.
I am staying positive mostly because my current step-father bled from the penis for a year before he went to see a doctor. They discovered it was testicular cancer and fixed it pretty easily. So in my mind even if I have a giant cancer nad, I am acting a hell of a lot sooner than my idiot step-father did.
I do however plan to gorge on fired chicken and play a lot more Star Trek Online in an effort to comfort eat and distract the hell out of myself.
Then on Thursday night I got really annoyed with my balls getting in the way and I took a really good look. I felt around and realized that what I thought was my balls packed tightly together was actually one ball the size of a tennis ball. The other poor nad was attached to it on the side like a moon.
Holy shit.
I went to my doctor the next morning. I love my doctor. She is smart and warm but she also looks like she is about fourteen and even though I know she is married and has a child, she will always be the female Doogie Howser to me.
Dr. Howersette went right into action. We went through a checklist and she was surprised that I wasn't feeling pain. She wanted to examine my balls but first she needed to bring in a chaperone. The chaperone was a nurse who never left the door and was mortified to be there. She was not half as mortified as I was when I had to drop trousers and let Dr. Howserette feel my balls.
Cough cough. No hernia.
Feel, fondle, play a little. No pain.
Dr. Howserette thought it might be fluid built up in a cyst. She gave me a referral to get an ultrasound.
I go to the ultrasound office and wait an hour and a half. I read political magazines that were 8 months old talking about what an awesome candidate Herman Cain was. Thank Vincent Price there was a National Geographic there so I could spend time reading about the crazy men who patrol Greenland with dog sled teams. I kept wondering how tiny their balls were in 60 below weather.
Anyhoo, I finally get my ultrasound. The doctor is cute short Hispanic woman who informs me that I need to change into a backless gown. She leaves the room for me to change. She comes back and tells me to get on the bed and she starts handing me towels. One towel is to go under my nads to lift them up and keep them up. One towel is to go over my penis and the third towel is for quote, "To clean yourself afterwards."
I am over being shy at this point. I have bene to so many bdsm parties with casual nudity that I am just not fazed. Any shame I may have was obliterated when Dr. Howsette fondled my balls. I am in "Let's get shit done" mode and the thought of wasting time for modesty was just annoying. I wanted her to just get in there and do what needs to be done.
But I am at heart an easy going person even with a tennis ball for a nad. I put the towel under my nads. I put the other towel on my cock. Now, when I am flaccid, my cock is about .1 microns in length. I have this giant towel and I'm trying to cover something so small while at the same time not get int he way of the nads that it is attached to.
I was concerned that if I got a single cock throb, that my limp penis would twitch and escape my towel confines and scar for life the Hispanic woman who needs so many towels.
Inner Dialogue
"Go to your Happy Place, Shon. Ignore everything and go to your Happy Place!"
"Wait, my Happy Place is tits!"
"Shit, go your other Happy Place!"
"My Other Happy Place is spanking women's asses!"
"Go to the non-sex Happy Place!"
"THERE IS NO NON-SEX HAPPY PLACE!"
"Wait, we've been playing Star Trek Online. Go there! Science has proven there is no sex for nerds who obsess about Star Trek!"
"You're right! And while we are talking about Star Trek Online, how come we are looting the Klingons we defeat? Kirk might do that, but Picard really check the pockets of people he just phasered . . ."
The ultrasound lady meanwhile is smearing warm gel on my balls and rubbing a sensor over them. This goes on for about twenty minutes. Thanks to the miracle of Star Trek, I managed to not get an erection.
I clean off the gel and go home. I get a call from Dr. Howserette.
"Shon, the mass appears to not be a liquid but is most likely a solid."
"A solid what?" I said.
"It could be a tumor. We'll have to go to a urologist to be sure."
"Well, fuck."
So that is where we are now. I have an appointment for Monday which means me and my giant ball will have the weekend together.
I am staying positive mostly because my current step-father bled from the penis for a year before he went to see a doctor. They discovered it was testicular cancer and fixed it pretty easily. So in my mind even if I have a giant cancer nad, I am acting a hell of a lot sooner than my idiot step-father did.
I do however plan to gorge on fired chicken and play a lot more Star Trek Online in an effort to comfort eat and distract the hell out of myself.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Fiction: Vanished
Explorer’s Log: I am about to land on the 6th planet orbiting the star designed, Queen’s Lack of Mercy, by Royal Astronomers. I was picking up low technology radio signals up to 11 hours ago but the broadcasts abruptly ceased. The civilization appears to be post industrial but doesn’t appear to have space technology. They might have detected my ship and are trying to mask themselves. I will land and investigate their worthiness to be conquered for the Queen. End Explorer’s Log.
Explorer’s Personal Log: From what I saw of the broadcasts, these aliens are mammalian and sort of cute except for the fact that they are only four feet tall. Since they aren’t savage primitives, I am hoping to get some friendly contacts and maybe a few inter species fucking sessions as well. These aliens are so short, I am sure they will look at me like some sort of giant brown sex goddess. End Explorer’s Personal Log.
Deep Space Explorer Vaquel Di lounged in the plaza water fountain. Behind her was a statue of an alien that was busy looking defiant at something just over his shoulder. Vaquel’s glassteel helmet and sparkling green spacesuit sat on the ground beside the fountain. She submerged her naked brown body into the water until the tips of her pink hair touched the water. The heated water felt wonderful on her body.
Around the plaza fountain were hundreds of vehicles that were chained together in a serious of collisions. Traffic signals blinked and shuttered in prerecorded signals. Billboards played above her and depicted a series of images. Vaquel didn’t understand what the billboards were saying but there sure were a lot of advertisements for bath soaps.
Of aliens there were none. The plaza was deserted. The vehicles were empty. The buildings were abandoned. Vaquel soaked in the plaza fountain and wondered where the fuck everyone was.
According to her ship’s scanners, there was not a single trace of alien life more sophisticated than simple birds or bugs. There were signs of civilization on every continent but of the actual aliens themselves, there was nothing. She even launched a mining probe that dug deep into the planet’s crust but it found no evidence of bunkers. The aliens weren’t hiding, they were just gone.
Vaquel looked at the collection of soap bottles that she had gathered. Every street had a store that sold soaps and lotion. After months of taking showers in her cramped hygienic pod, Vaquel was dying for a real bath. She had looted the stores like a true explorer and exploiter of resources.
She took a bottle of red liquid soap and squirted it into her hands. Red bubbles formed immediately. She lathered the bubbles onto her brown breasts and moaned. The bubbles had some sort of fizzing quality that was quite arousing. The popping bubbles felt like hundreds of tiny pinches over her sensitive flesh. Better yet, it was obliterating months of space grime.
Vaquel was starting to like these aliens, wherever the fuck they were.
The streets were ominously quiet. Vaquel dropped a soap bar into the water and the splash echoed for at least a minute around the deserted city. The explorer tried singing but after a few lines of “Never Turn Your Ass to an Army Man” she couldn’t sing anymore. The resulting echoes just made her more aware of how alone she was.
Fuck, at least she was getting a good bath out of it. The top of the fountain water was covered in five different colors of soap bubbles. Jets in the fountain constantly produced currents of warm water to surround Vaquel. She spread her legs wide and positioned herself over a jet. The current of water did wonderful things against her sex.
“This happens on ships sometimes,” she said out loud. Vaquel needed to talk to keep the silence away. She just made sure to whisper so that the streets wouldn’t echo.
“Explorers find empty star ships all the time,” she said. “The engines were working fine and they always have plenty of supplies but no one is inside the ship. It always looks like they had abandoned ship except the life pods are still there. No one knows why it happens though everyone has a theory. It is not that big of a leap to guess that it could happen to a whole planet, is it?”
The soap bubbles had no answers. The jet however had a very convincing argument that Vaquel should move a little closer. She got on her knees in the fountain and lowered her sex. Her breasts were covered in the popping bubbles and her nipples were harder than the mystery surrounding this planet.
Vaquel stroked herself as the jet streamed water against her sex. Looking around her, it was easy to imagine that people still lived her. The buildings loomed around her and who knows if maybe a survivor was peeking through the windows right now?
The thought of being watched sent new shivers down her body. It felt good to be doing a decadent act in the middle of a large city. It felt right to desecrate this public fountain with a little private pleasure. For all she knew, the entire alien civilization decided to turn invisible when they saw her ship and were watching her right now.
Vaquel moaned. The scientist in her thought that the invisibility theory was unlikely but the slut in her was a full supporter. She moved a little more than she had to. She grabbed her tits and squeezed through the fizzing bubbles. When she moaned, she made sure to open her mouth so the invisible aliens could imagine slipping a cock down her throat.
She was close. She stroked faster. The more she moved, the more bubbles appeared around her. The sun sparkled on her wet brown body and damp pink hair.
Deep in her mind though, another though occurred to her as she stroked. The aliens had disappeared less than twelve hours ago. What if whatever took them came back? Was it really that smart to linger on an empty planet? Could she be the next to go?
“Then I better stroke faster,” Vaquel said to no one.
Vaquel stroked for the invisible aliens. She stroked to avoid being the next to disappear. She stroked for the empty planet that might not ever see another orgasm again. She stroked because it was her first real bath in months. She stroked because she was fucking horny and there was no one here to fuck.
She climaxed with the force of a thousand crashing cars.
“Glory to the Queen!” she cried. As her scream echoed down the streets, Vaquel wouldn’t be surprised if Queen Erishella back home could actually hear her.
Vaquel stopped stroking. Her arousal temporarily sated, she thought with a clearer mind. She stood up and watched the bubbles and water slide off her brown body.
“This place is fucking creepy,” she said. “And I am getting the fuck out of here.”
Vaquel took a step towards the edge of the fountain and paused. She turned around and grabbed a handful of bath soaps. A mysterious planet devoid of life was scary but the thought of having to go back to using the ship’s military grade soap was scarier.
Explorer’s Personal Log: From what I saw of the broadcasts, these aliens are mammalian and sort of cute except for the fact that they are only four feet tall. Since they aren’t savage primitives, I am hoping to get some friendly contacts and maybe a few inter species fucking sessions as well. These aliens are so short, I am sure they will look at me like some sort of giant brown sex goddess. End Explorer’s Personal Log.
Deep Space Explorer Vaquel Di lounged in the plaza water fountain. Behind her was a statue of an alien that was busy looking defiant at something just over his shoulder. Vaquel’s glassteel helmet and sparkling green spacesuit sat on the ground beside the fountain. She submerged her naked brown body into the water until the tips of her pink hair touched the water. The heated water felt wonderful on her body.
Around the plaza fountain were hundreds of vehicles that were chained together in a serious of collisions. Traffic signals blinked and shuttered in prerecorded signals. Billboards played above her and depicted a series of images. Vaquel didn’t understand what the billboards were saying but there sure were a lot of advertisements for bath soaps.
Of aliens there were none. The plaza was deserted. The vehicles were empty. The buildings were abandoned. Vaquel soaked in the plaza fountain and wondered where the fuck everyone was.
According to her ship’s scanners, there was not a single trace of alien life more sophisticated than simple birds or bugs. There were signs of civilization on every continent but of the actual aliens themselves, there was nothing. She even launched a mining probe that dug deep into the planet’s crust but it found no evidence of bunkers. The aliens weren’t hiding, they were just gone.
Vaquel looked at the collection of soap bottles that she had gathered. Every street had a store that sold soaps and lotion. After months of taking showers in her cramped hygienic pod, Vaquel was dying for a real bath. She had looted the stores like a true explorer and exploiter of resources.
She took a bottle of red liquid soap and squirted it into her hands. Red bubbles formed immediately. She lathered the bubbles onto her brown breasts and moaned. The bubbles had some sort of fizzing quality that was quite arousing. The popping bubbles felt like hundreds of tiny pinches over her sensitive flesh. Better yet, it was obliterating months of space grime.
Vaquel was starting to like these aliens, wherever the fuck they were.
The streets were ominously quiet. Vaquel dropped a soap bar into the water and the splash echoed for at least a minute around the deserted city. The explorer tried singing but after a few lines of “Never Turn Your Ass to an Army Man” she couldn’t sing anymore. The resulting echoes just made her more aware of how alone she was.
Fuck, at least she was getting a good bath out of it. The top of the fountain water was covered in five different colors of soap bubbles. Jets in the fountain constantly produced currents of warm water to surround Vaquel. She spread her legs wide and positioned herself over a jet. The current of water did wonderful things against her sex.
“This happens on ships sometimes,” she said out loud. Vaquel needed to talk to keep the silence away. She just made sure to whisper so that the streets wouldn’t echo.
“Explorers find empty star ships all the time,” she said. “The engines were working fine and they always have plenty of supplies but no one is inside the ship. It always looks like they had abandoned ship except the life pods are still there. No one knows why it happens though everyone has a theory. It is not that big of a leap to guess that it could happen to a whole planet, is it?”
The soap bubbles had no answers. The jet however had a very convincing argument that Vaquel should move a little closer. She got on her knees in the fountain and lowered her sex. Her breasts were covered in the popping bubbles and her nipples were harder than the mystery surrounding this planet.
Vaquel stroked herself as the jet streamed water against her sex. Looking around her, it was easy to imagine that people still lived her. The buildings loomed around her and who knows if maybe a survivor was peeking through the windows right now?
The thought of being watched sent new shivers down her body. It felt good to be doing a decadent act in the middle of a large city. It felt right to desecrate this public fountain with a little private pleasure. For all she knew, the entire alien civilization decided to turn invisible when they saw her ship and were watching her right now.
Vaquel moaned. The scientist in her thought that the invisibility theory was unlikely but the slut in her was a full supporter. She moved a little more than she had to. She grabbed her tits and squeezed through the fizzing bubbles. When she moaned, she made sure to open her mouth so the invisible aliens could imagine slipping a cock down her throat.
She was close. She stroked faster. The more she moved, the more bubbles appeared around her. The sun sparkled on her wet brown body and damp pink hair.
Deep in her mind though, another though occurred to her as she stroked. The aliens had disappeared less than twelve hours ago. What if whatever took them came back? Was it really that smart to linger on an empty planet? Could she be the next to go?
“Then I better stroke faster,” Vaquel said to no one.
Vaquel stroked for the invisible aliens. She stroked to avoid being the next to disappear. She stroked for the empty planet that might not ever see another orgasm again. She stroked because it was her first real bath in months. She stroked because she was fucking horny and there was no one here to fuck.
She climaxed with the force of a thousand crashing cars.
“Glory to the Queen!” she cried. As her scream echoed down the streets, Vaquel wouldn’t be surprised if Queen Erishella back home could actually hear her.
Vaquel stopped stroking. Her arousal temporarily sated, she thought with a clearer mind. She stood up and watched the bubbles and water slide off her brown body.
“This place is fucking creepy,” she said. “And I am getting the fuck out of here.”
Vaquel took a step towards the edge of the fountain and paused. She turned around and grabbed a handful of bath soaps. A mysterious planet devoid of life was scary but the thought of having to go back to using the ship’s military grade soap was scarier.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Erotica Threat Level: Sweet Cash Green
Last year I offered my books on Lulu and I make a small modest amount thanks to my wonderful fans. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for those sales. The thing is, there is a giant porn market over at Amazon where they are printing money for porn and a lot oft he porn there, to be absolutely polite, abominable and shitty.
Because I love the world too much to let bad porn exist without an alternative, I have taken up publishing ebooks for the Amazon Kindle. I also want a share of that money because I have bills to pay and the chance to pay those bills by doing something I totally love is pretty awesome.
An important bit about the Amazon Kindle is that you DON'T NEED A KINDLE TO READ THE EBOOKS. Kindle for PC is a program that lets you read anything on your home computer or laptop. I use it and it is completely free.
The Amazon Kindle is a jealous god and in order to get some of the cooler selling options, they ask that I not sell my books as ebooks elsewhere. As a trial run, I took Cell Phone Slave down from Lulu and put it up on Amazon. Without any advertising, I already sold more Cell Phone Slave there then I have the past three months of Lulu. The Amazon Kindle is where the customers are.
Amazon Kindle also lets me do interesting things like have sales where I give ebooks away for free. The funny thing about this is the more people who grab the ebook while it is free, the higher up in the rankings the ebook goes and when the sale is over, more people are likely to buy it because it has a high ranking.
Which means that when I make a new ebook and make it free, I can tell you about it on my blog. You can go snatch it for free because you are my lolyal and loving fans and even if you never read it, you will help my book go up in the rankings. Everyone wins.
What is appealing to me is that I have ten years of stories that I have written. That is a shitload of material that I beleive is of a much higher quality than what is available. A lot of these stories are stuff you may not have read. Some of it will be stories that have appeared on the blog but are collected together. For example, this Friday I plan to put together the 'Wolf Inside' stories.
I already put up for sale, 'On Your Knees' which is the lovely story of four American college kids who end up on a BDSM gameshow in Mexico and let's just say that a lot of spanking, humiliation and fucking ensues. This story was so popular that it was stolen and put on a Hebrew language porn site, which amuses me to no end. Now you can buy the slightly edited version where I fix a ten year old plot hole that has always bothered me. It is a fairly lengthy story, about the size of one of my three part Librarian stories. Plus college kids getting spanked and teased for cash prizes.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I still plan to produce a new story every week. I promise to let you know when my ebooks are for free so you can snatch them first since you are my kindly fanbase.
I am opening the floor for questions, concerns and accusations that I have sold out in the interest of eating food.
Because I love the world too much to let bad porn exist without an alternative, I have taken up publishing ebooks for the Amazon Kindle. I also want a share of that money because I have bills to pay and the chance to pay those bills by doing something I totally love is pretty awesome.
An important bit about the Amazon Kindle is that you DON'T NEED A KINDLE TO READ THE EBOOKS. Kindle for PC is a program that lets you read anything on your home computer or laptop. I use it and it is completely free.
The Amazon Kindle is a jealous god and in order to get some of the cooler selling options, they ask that I not sell my books as ebooks elsewhere. As a trial run, I took Cell Phone Slave down from Lulu and put it up on Amazon. Without any advertising, I already sold more Cell Phone Slave there then I have the past three months of Lulu. The Amazon Kindle is where the customers are.
Amazon Kindle also lets me do interesting things like have sales where I give ebooks away for free. The funny thing about this is the more people who grab the ebook while it is free, the higher up in the rankings the ebook goes and when the sale is over, more people are likely to buy it because it has a high ranking.
Which means that when I make a new ebook and make it free, I can tell you about it on my blog. You can go snatch it for free because you are my lolyal and loving fans and even if you never read it, you will help my book go up in the rankings. Everyone wins.
What is appealing to me is that I have ten years of stories that I have written. That is a shitload of material that I beleive is of a much higher quality than what is available. A lot of these stories are stuff you may not have read. Some of it will be stories that have appeared on the blog but are collected together. For example, this Friday I plan to put together the 'Wolf Inside' stories.
I already put up for sale, 'On Your Knees' which is the lovely story of four American college kids who end up on a BDSM gameshow in Mexico and let's just say that a lot of spanking, humiliation and fucking ensues. This story was so popular that it was stolen and put on a Hebrew language porn site, which amuses me to no end. Now you can buy the slightly edited version where I fix a ten year old plot hole that has always bothered me. It is a fairly lengthy story, about the size of one of my three part Librarian stories. Plus college kids getting spanked and teased for cash prizes.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I still plan to produce a new story every week. I promise to let you know when my ebooks are for free so you can snatch them first since you are my kindly fanbase.
I am opening the floor for questions, concerns and accusations that I have sold out in the interest of eating food.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Dirty Books: Anything for an A
Tasty Miller's Anything for an A is a short little ebook from Sock Drawer Press. I actually have a book that will be published by Sock Drawer Press but I swear on the tits of Scarlett Johansson that I will be completely impartial in reviewing this book. As you can imagine, this ebook is about an 18 year old female high school student who really needs to get an A from her male English teacher. Rather than do some hard work and studying, she resorts to the time honored porn tradition of seduction and trying to fuck his brains out. Being a teenager, she uses the kind of convoluted over complicated plan that teenagers love to try. Sexiness ensues.
The cliche of a student seducing their teacher is as old as time but in this book the cliche is only the skeleton of the story. The body on top of the cliche-skeleton is made of interesting characters, amusing jokes, pretty hot teasing and really hot sex. Yes, you know how it will end but how we get there is never boring and let me tell you, in porn not being bored is always a small miracle. It is a good porn story that you will remember long after you have forgotten others in this genre.
This book is a classic example of how you don't need an original idea for a great book, you just need to tell an old story in a great manner.
As an author I was really impressed with the length of the story. A lot of ebooks are barely longer than a blog post. Others are way too long and the story goes to places it never needs to go. This one clocks in at a pleasant afternoon reading. It is like the Red Shoe Diaries length of porn. It is just long enough to soak in the characters without over staying it's welcome.
I give it four out of five Pam Griers.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Fiction: Zero Gravity
Explorer’s Log: I am three days away from the 6th planet orbiting the star designed, Queen’s Lack of Mercy, by Royal Astronomers. Due to the heavy mass of several gas giants in this system, I am unable to travel there using the faster than light drive and must reach my destination by old fashioned solar thrust engines. This will give me time do regular maintenance and run some diagnostics. End Explorer’s Log.
Explorer’s Personal Log: Son of a bitch, space is fucking big. Even in the same system the distances between planets are well, astronomical. I am getting so horny, I had to put a time lock on the dead alien’s body so I wouldn’t be tempted to do anything biologically unwise.
Deep Space Explorer Vaquel Di floated naked aboard the probe ship. Her gorgeous brown body spun slowly as she stroked furiously between her legs. Heavy brown breasts floated in different directions. Her short pink hair hovered around her head in a pink halo. She had her eyes tightly shut as she came close to orgasm.
A short beep was her only warning. The gravity returned a split second later. Vaquel opened her eyes and let out a short squeal. She fell to the ground and just managed to get her hands out of her cunt. She landed on the floor of the ship on all fours.
“Didn’t hit my head this time,” Vaquel said. She was alone on the ship and found that talking out loud helped the loneliness. Well, a little.
Her fingers were sticky from being inside her. Vaquel’s cunt ached to be touched and her pubic bush was soaked. Fresh desire dripped onto the floor.
She wanted to come. Her cunt ached to be touched. She was close, she knew it.
Vaquel stayed where she was. The rules of the game were quite clear. She couldn’t only masturbate when the gravity was turned off. She had to stop when the gravity returned. The computer was set to alternate the gravity at random time intervals, not exceeding three minutes.
The rules were brutal. Vaquel was so damn close to climax. She had work to do and she just wanted to come. She was getting frustrated, angry and also very fucking horny.
This might be the best masturbation game that Vaquel had invented yet.
Beep!
Vaquel felt her knees lift away from the floor. The gravity was gone and she went back to work. Dark fingers plunged into her pink bush of pubic hair and fucked her cunt. She moaned as her crotch levitated towards the ceiling.
She finger fucked the hell out of herself. Gravity could return at any moment. She spared one hand to grab a breast and squeeze it like it wasn’t hers. Blood rushed to her head as she floated upside down and she didn’t fucking care. Vaquel had to come.
The Deep Space Explorer Probe ship hurtled through space. Ingenious technologies kept it flying and automatically navigating past meteors, debris, gravitational tugs of planets and the occasionally freaky space anomaly. All of this triumph in exploration was lost on Vaquel who was nothing more than a woman desperately needing a climax.
Vaquel moaned. She was going to come. The excitement of finally achieving what her body craved was almost too much. She started to worry that the gravity would return and since she was upside down at the moment that would be really bad.
Vaquel pushed the negative thoughts out of her mind. She had been trained to pilot a ship through a plasma storm without panicking. Her calm in combat was the envy of several instructors. No one was faster when it came to repairing a solar sail during a meteor shower. Vaquel turned her laser focus towards her own climax.
She rubbed her clitoris with a fury. She pulled on her floating breast with unforgiving passion. She bit down on her lip and imagined that the pain came from a lover. Her body twisted and contorted in mid air. Free of the constraints of gravity, Vaquel’s body moved in strange ways as she desperately tried to come.
“Glory to the Queen!” Vaquel shouted. She climaxed. Pleasure rippled through her body at the speed of light. Her brown body convulsed in the air as she rode the bliss.
Beep!
Vaquel landed on her back. The wind was knocked out of her and she gasped for air. She lay on the floor and held on to the glow of her orgasm.
The sweaty explorer waited for the gravity to turn off again. She wasn’t close to being finished today.
Explorer’s Personal Log: Son of a bitch, space is fucking big. Even in the same system the distances between planets are well, astronomical. I am getting so horny, I had to put a time lock on the dead alien’s body so I wouldn’t be tempted to do anything biologically unwise.
Deep Space Explorer Vaquel Di floated naked aboard the probe ship. Her gorgeous brown body spun slowly as she stroked furiously between her legs. Heavy brown breasts floated in different directions. Her short pink hair hovered around her head in a pink halo. She had her eyes tightly shut as she came close to orgasm.
A short beep was her only warning. The gravity returned a split second later. Vaquel opened her eyes and let out a short squeal. She fell to the ground and just managed to get her hands out of her cunt. She landed on the floor of the ship on all fours.
“Didn’t hit my head this time,” Vaquel said. She was alone on the ship and found that talking out loud helped the loneliness. Well, a little.
Her fingers were sticky from being inside her. Vaquel’s cunt ached to be touched and her pubic bush was soaked. Fresh desire dripped onto the floor.
She wanted to come. Her cunt ached to be touched. She was close, she knew it.
Vaquel stayed where she was. The rules of the game were quite clear. She couldn’t only masturbate when the gravity was turned off. She had to stop when the gravity returned. The computer was set to alternate the gravity at random time intervals, not exceeding three minutes.
The rules were brutal. Vaquel was so damn close to climax. She had work to do and she just wanted to come. She was getting frustrated, angry and also very fucking horny.
This might be the best masturbation game that Vaquel had invented yet.
Beep!
Vaquel felt her knees lift away from the floor. The gravity was gone and she went back to work. Dark fingers plunged into her pink bush of pubic hair and fucked her cunt. She moaned as her crotch levitated towards the ceiling.
She finger fucked the hell out of herself. Gravity could return at any moment. She spared one hand to grab a breast and squeeze it like it wasn’t hers. Blood rushed to her head as she floated upside down and she didn’t fucking care. Vaquel had to come.
The Deep Space Explorer Probe ship hurtled through space. Ingenious technologies kept it flying and automatically navigating past meteors, debris, gravitational tugs of planets and the occasionally freaky space anomaly. All of this triumph in exploration was lost on Vaquel who was nothing more than a woman desperately needing a climax.
Vaquel moaned. She was going to come. The excitement of finally achieving what her body craved was almost too much. She started to worry that the gravity would return and since she was upside down at the moment that would be really bad.
Vaquel pushed the negative thoughts out of her mind. She had been trained to pilot a ship through a plasma storm without panicking. Her calm in combat was the envy of several instructors. No one was faster when it came to repairing a solar sail during a meteor shower. Vaquel turned her laser focus towards her own climax.
She rubbed her clitoris with a fury. She pulled on her floating breast with unforgiving passion. She bit down on her lip and imagined that the pain came from a lover. Her body twisted and contorted in mid air. Free of the constraints of gravity, Vaquel’s body moved in strange ways as she desperately tried to come.
“Glory to the Queen!” Vaquel shouted. She climaxed. Pleasure rippled through her body at the speed of light. Her brown body convulsed in the air as she rode the bliss.
Beep!
Vaquel landed on her back. The wind was knocked out of her and she gasped for air. She lay on the floor and held on to the glow of her orgasm.
The sweaty explorer waited for the gravity to turn off again. She wasn’t close to being finished today.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Fiction: Bound to Die
“Time to wake up, Ms. Valentine.”
Holly stirred from her sleep and tried to sit up. The ropes holding her hands stopped her. Since she was an investigative reporter, this detail didn’t surprise her much. The number of times that she awoke to find herself tied up was starting to exceed the number of times she woke up without being restrained. It was an occupational hazard.
The reporter did a quick inventory before responding to the voice. Yep, she was completely naked. Yes, her wrists and ankles were tied to the four corners of her hotel bed. Oh dear, her breasts felt tender as if someone had felt her up while stripping her. Bad guys usually don’t molest her tits unless they plan for her to be dead later so she won’t press charges. This might be a serious attempt on her life as opposed to the half-ass attempts that she dealt with so frequently.
“I doubt that you know who I am,” the man standing beside her said. He was a young man, barely thirty yet he had all the arrogance and self importance of an asshole twice his age.
“You’re Carl Squeezestone, chief financial officer for the Conquest Banking,” Holly said. “You are currently renegotiating which bank gets to secretly run the SEC and determine who gets to defraud the stock market for the next two years.”
Mr. Squeezestone frowned. “It appears that you have achieved more unexpected progression in your investigation than we forecasted. Your untimely expose into our affairs might result in unfortunate down trending in our financial forecast.”
After three years of covering banker scandals, Holly understood banker talk better than most people. She just refused to speak it herself.
“Yeah, you guys will be totally fucked,” Holly said.
“On the contrary, you are about to be downsized,” Mr. Squeezestone said. “Notice the pistols that have been mounted on your hotel bed frame. Each rope connects a limb to trigger. As soon as you move any subsidiary appendage in any direction, you will trigger a penalty as the pistol fires. The pistols are aimed at your torso, which will result in a slow and painful downgrading of your circulatory capitol flow.”
“Ouch, just leaving me to bleed to death,” Holly said. “Oh well, guess I am not moving for several hours until the maids come in to change the sheets.”
Mr. Squeezestone smiled like a man with a golden parachute. “That is why I am strapping this device on. Do you recognize it? It is the Von Madd Pussy-Licker 11. It adheres to your cunt and leverages the state of the art animatronics tongue to stimulate your arousal growth in a perpetual upwards trend. It will be impossible for you to not move and therefore, impossible to not be perforated with unexpected lead infusions.”
“Well, shit,” Holly said.
Mr. Squeezestone leaned over and held the plate sized device over her neatly trimmed pussy. Small robot tentacles reached out to her waist and thighs. The Pussy-Licker 11 jumped out of her hand and sealed itself over her cunt. The metal tentacles tightened around her for a snug fit. A bright pink power button was on the outside of the Pussy-Licker 11 but with Holly’s hands tied; there was no way that she was reaching it.
“Goodbye, Ms. Valentine,” Mr. Squeezestone said. “I look forward to reading about your perverse bondage masturbation death in the papers tomorrow. In fact, I think I will write the article myself.”
He pressed the power button for the Pussy-Licker 11. Holly was going to respond with a clever retort about his sexual practices with small animals but she felt the amazing animated tongue of the device and all witty repartee died in her throat as she moaned.
Mr. Squeezestone smiled and stuffed her panties into her mouth. Holly watched as he walked out of her room. He didn’t even bother to hang the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign. Well of course not, Holly realized. He wanted her bondage shot body to be found in the morning.
“Well fuck,” Holly tried to say but the panties in her mouth turned it into a “Whh ffk”. She was in trouble this time. It was a clever arrangement though to be honest, shooting her in her sleep would have been smarter. She understood why she was in an elaborate trap. Mr. Squeezestone was a banker and a wall street trader, he probably couldn’t even think in simple A to B plans. That was her one advantage.
The Pussy-Licker 11 lived up to its name and did something wonderful to Holly’s sex. She trembled and had an incredible urge to reach down and pull it tighter against her.
She stopped herself after her hands moved an inch. Holly waited for the shots but the pistols didn’t fire.
Now she knew that she had at least an inch of give. Holly didn’t know what good it would do her, but it was something.
She tried to look at her body to see if there was anything she could use. Her large breasts obstructed most of her view. Holly said a silent prayer of thanks that Mr. Squeezestone didn’t get really creative and apply nipple clamps of some sort.
Past her freckled breasts, she could barely see the Pussy-Licker 11 but she sure as hell could feel it. Fuck, now it was doing some sort of circular motion. It was amazing what they could do with sex toys these days. One day she was sure it would kill her.
Her long bare legs were stretched out and secured with thick rope. She had a really good view of the pistols at the foot of the bed. She wasn’t an expert on guns but she could tell that these were the kinds of guns that punched messy holes in people rather than neatly bypassing important arteries.
Yeah, she was fucked.
The Pussy-Licker 11 began to lap at her sex. It reminded her of an inappropriate dog or a drunken college student. It was used all of the tongue to lick from the bottom of her cunt to the top. It was wet too. The damn device must provide its own simulated saliva. It was fucking perfect.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Holly tried to think of an escape plan. It was still night, so it would be hours before a maid came. She could usually twist and pull herself out of most bondage but pulling and twisting would kill her here. Holly rapidly ran out of ideas.
Holly’s heart skipped a beat as she realized that her hips had been moving for the last two minutes. She had been humping against the Pussy-Licker 11 without even thinking about it. The redhead reporter forced her hips to stop and bit down on the panties in her mouth as the Pussy-Licker 11 kept licking.
Holly moaned. Not moving was worse. It was as if the device interpreted her lack of movement as encouragement to try harder. The mechanical tongue was picking up speed and doing gyrations that no human mouth could attempt. Erotic science was going to get her off and when it did, she was going to twist and writhe before the speeding bullets made her twist and writhe for entirely different reasons.
Wait, Holly remembered an article she wrote back for her high school paper. A cheerleader and a jock had died in a freak motel bed accident. The cheerleader had tried a running mount onto the jock and the bed had shattered. They had died from the freak shrapnel from the splintering wood. During her research, Holly had discovered that most beds in hotels were notoriously badly constructed as they were bought in bulk from men’s prisons. If they were bought from women’s prisons, the bed would be sturdier because women can build the shit out of a bed.
It gave Holly an idea. Maybe she could pull on her arms and legs at the same time and destroy the badly made bed. The pistols would be dislodged and maybe she could roll out of the way at the same time.
The only problem is that the cheerleader in Holly’s high school had destroyed the bed with a running start. Holly was flat on her back getting her pussy eaten. She was in good shape but not that good of shape. She would need some sort of advantage.
The Pussy-Licker 11 moved synthetic lips that Holly didn’t know it had. Lifelike lips nibble and kissed her cunt. The reporter trembled with willpower as she fought to keep from humping the machine.
Holly’s clenched eyes popped open. That was it. She had all the strength she needed if it was powered by an orgasm. She just had to have one of those bed shattering orgasms that broke the glasses of boyfriends.
She just had to have it without moving prematurely.
Holly waited. The Pussy-Licker 11 licked deeper into her. The redhead fought to stay as still as possible as the machine licked where only cocks had reached before. Her nipples tingled as the device took simulated breathes inside her. Her feet were still but her toes curled as the sextoy bit her gently.
The ropes trembled. Holly bit down on the panties and willed herself not to move. She felt her body tensing like a spring but she couldn’t release just yet.
The Pussy-Licker 11 found her clitoris. Just like a real man, it took awhile to find. The simulated tongue attacked her clitoris with speed and efficiency.
All of Holly’s control melted. She was going to climax. She might also die but right now she didn’t give a fuck. She wanted to come. She needed to come. Dying and living was something for later.
The Pussy-Licker 11 kept licking her clitoris as her hips rose. The metal arms hung on as Holly’s body twisted and spun on the bed. The mechanical tongue vibrated against her as her arms pulled down and her legs pulled up. The superior construction of the sextoy clung to her sex as the inferior construction of the motel bed shattered.
The pistols fired.
The pistol attached to her right arm fell and shot out the window.
The pistol attached to her left arm spun and shot the television.
The pistol attached to her right leg turned and shot the corner of the bed.
The pistol attached to her left leg didn’t fire at all because Mr. Squeezestone forgot to turn off the safety. Stock brokers could be sloppy that way.
Holly fell off the bed. Her hands were still tied but the rope was completely slack. She reached between her thighs and hesitated.
She came twice more before turning the machine off.
Holly stirred from her sleep and tried to sit up. The ropes holding her hands stopped her. Since she was an investigative reporter, this detail didn’t surprise her much. The number of times that she awoke to find herself tied up was starting to exceed the number of times she woke up without being restrained. It was an occupational hazard.
The reporter did a quick inventory before responding to the voice. Yep, she was completely naked. Yes, her wrists and ankles were tied to the four corners of her hotel bed. Oh dear, her breasts felt tender as if someone had felt her up while stripping her. Bad guys usually don’t molest her tits unless they plan for her to be dead later so she won’t press charges. This might be a serious attempt on her life as opposed to the half-ass attempts that she dealt with so frequently.
“I doubt that you know who I am,” the man standing beside her said. He was a young man, barely thirty yet he had all the arrogance and self importance of an asshole twice his age.
“You’re Carl Squeezestone, chief financial officer for the Conquest Banking,” Holly said. “You are currently renegotiating which bank gets to secretly run the SEC and determine who gets to defraud the stock market for the next two years.”
Mr. Squeezestone frowned. “It appears that you have achieved more unexpected progression in your investigation than we forecasted. Your untimely expose into our affairs might result in unfortunate down trending in our financial forecast.”
After three years of covering banker scandals, Holly understood banker talk better than most people. She just refused to speak it herself.
“Yeah, you guys will be totally fucked,” Holly said.
“On the contrary, you are about to be downsized,” Mr. Squeezestone said. “Notice the pistols that have been mounted on your hotel bed frame. Each rope connects a limb to trigger. As soon as you move any subsidiary appendage in any direction, you will trigger a penalty as the pistol fires. The pistols are aimed at your torso, which will result in a slow and painful downgrading of your circulatory capitol flow.”
“Ouch, just leaving me to bleed to death,” Holly said. “Oh well, guess I am not moving for several hours until the maids come in to change the sheets.”
Mr. Squeezestone smiled like a man with a golden parachute. “That is why I am strapping this device on. Do you recognize it? It is the Von Madd Pussy-Licker 11. It adheres to your cunt and leverages the state of the art animatronics tongue to stimulate your arousal growth in a perpetual upwards trend. It will be impossible for you to not move and therefore, impossible to not be perforated with unexpected lead infusions.”
“Well, shit,” Holly said.
Mr. Squeezestone leaned over and held the plate sized device over her neatly trimmed pussy. Small robot tentacles reached out to her waist and thighs. The Pussy-Licker 11 jumped out of her hand and sealed itself over her cunt. The metal tentacles tightened around her for a snug fit. A bright pink power button was on the outside of the Pussy-Licker 11 but with Holly’s hands tied; there was no way that she was reaching it.
“Goodbye, Ms. Valentine,” Mr. Squeezestone said. “I look forward to reading about your perverse bondage masturbation death in the papers tomorrow. In fact, I think I will write the article myself.”
He pressed the power button for the Pussy-Licker 11. Holly was going to respond with a clever retort about his sexual practices with small animals but she felt the amazing animated tongue of the device and all witty repartee died in her throat as she moaned.
Mr. Squeezestone smiled and stuffed her panties into her mouth. Holly watched as he walked out of her room. He didn’t even bother to hang the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign. Well of course not, Holly realized. He wanted her bondage shot body to be found in the morning.
“Well fuck,” Holly tried to say but the panties in her mouth turned it into a “Whh ffk”. She was in trouble this time. It was a clever arrangement though to be honest, shooting her in her sleep would have been smarter. She understood why she was in an elaborate trap. Mr. Squeezestone was a banker and a wall street trader, he probably couldn’t even think in simple A to B plans. That was her one advantage.
The Pussy-Licker 11 lived up to its name and did something wonderful to Holly’s sex. She trembled and had an incredible urge to reach down and pull it tighter against her.
She stopped herself after her hands moved an inch. Holly waited for the shots but the pistols didn’t fire.
Now she knew that she had at least an inch of give. Holly didn’t know what good it would do her, but it was something.
She tried to look at her body to see if there was anything she could use. Her large breasts obstructed most of her view. Holly said a silent prayer of thanks that Mr. Squeezestone didn’t get really creative and apply nipple clamps of some sort.
Past her freckled breasts, she could barely see the Pussy-Licker 11 but she sure as hell could feel it. Fuck, now it was doing some sort of circular motion. It was amazing what they could do with sex toys these days. One day she was sure it would kill her.
Her long bare legs were stretched out and secured with thick rope. She had a really good view of the pistols at the foot of the bed. She wasn’t an expert on guns but she could tell that these were the kinds of guns that punched messy holes in people rather than neatly bypassing important arteries.
Yeah, she was fucked.
The Pussy-Licker 11 began to lap at her sex. It reminded her of an inappropriate dog or a drunken college student. It was used all of the tongue to lick from the bottom of her cunt to the top. It was wet too. The damn device must provide its own simulated saliva. It was fucking perfect.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Holly tried to think of an escape plan. It was still night, so it would be hours before a maid came. She could usually twist and pull herself out of most bondage but pulling and twisting would kill her here. Holly rapidly ran out of ideas.
Holly’s heart skipped a beat as she realized that her hips had been moving for the last two minutes. She had been humping against the Pussy-Licker 11 without even thinking about it. The redhead reporter forced her hips to stop and bit down on the panties in her mouth as the Pussy-Licker 11 kept licking.
Holly moaned. Not moving was worse. It was as if the device interpreted her lack of movement as encouragement to try harder. The mechanical tongue was picking up speed and doing gyrations that no human mouth could attempt. Erotic science was going to get her off and when it did, she was going to twist and writhe before the speeding bullets made her twist and writhe for entirely different reasons.
Wait, Holly remembered an article she wrote back for her high school paper. A cheerleader and a jock had died in a freak motel bed accident. The cheerleader had tried a running mount onto the jock and the bed had shattered. They had died from the freak shrapnel from the splintering wood. During her research, Holly had discovered that most beds in hotels were notoriously badly constructed as they were bought in bulk from men’s prisons. If they were bought from women’s prisons, the bed would be sturdier because women can build the shit out of a bed.
It gave Holly an idea. Maybe she could pull on her arms and legs at the same time and destroy the badly made bed. The pistols would be dislodged and maybe she could roll out of the way at the same time.
The only problem is that the cheerleader in Holly’s high school had destroyed the bed with a running start. Holly was flat on her back getting her pussy eaten. She was in good shape but not that good of shape. She would need some sort of advantage.
The Pussy-Licker 11 moved synthetic lips that Holly didn’t know it had. Lifelike lips nibble and kissed her cunt. The reporter trembled with willpower as she fought to keep from humping the machine.
Holly’s clenched eyes popped open. That was it. She had all the strength she needed if it was powered by an orgasm. She just had to have one of those bed shattering orgasms that broke the glasses of boyfriends.
She just had to have it without moving prematurely.
Holly waited. The Pussy-Licker 11 licked deeper into her. The redhead fought to stay as still as possible as the machine licked where only cocks had reached before. Her nipples tingled as the device took simulated breathes inside her. Her feet were still but her toes curled as the sextoy bit her gently.
The ropes trembled. Holly bit down on the panties and willed herself not to move. She felt her body tensing like a spring but she couldn’t release just yet.
The Pussy-Licker 11 found her clitoris. Just like a real man, it took awhile to find. The simulated tongue attacked her clitoris with speed and efficiency.
All of Holly’s control melted. She was going to climax. She might also die but right now she didn’t give a fuck. She wanted to come. She needed to come. Dying and living was something for later.
The Pussy-Licker 11 kept licking her clitoris as her hips rose. The metal arms hung on as Holly’s body twisted and spun on the bed. The mechanical tongue vibrated against her as her arms pulled down and her legs pulled up. The superior construction of the sextoy clung to her sex as the inferior construction of the motel bed shattered.
The pistols fired.
The pistol attached to her right arm fell and shot out the window.
The pistol attached to her left arm spun and shot the television.
The pistol attached to her right leg turned and shot the corner of the bed.
The pistol attached to her left leg didn’t fire at all because Mr. Squeezestone forgot to turn off the safety. Stock brokers could be sloppy that way.
Holly fell off the bed. Her hands were still tied but the rope was completely slack. She reached between her thighs and hesitated.
She came twice more before turning the machine off.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Handjob Supply Program
In order to combat the slump in Monday morning efficiency, Von Madd Laboratories will be supplying handjobs to all of our staff. A talented specialist will come to your work station and stimulate your genitals with their hands until you achieve orgasm. To request your handjob, please use the Purple Handjob button at your work station in the following manner.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist, please press the button quickly once.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist, please press and hold the button once.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist with large breasts, please press the button twice quickly and then pause, then press the button and hold for two seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist with a great ass, please press the button once, pause and then press quickly twice.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a androgynous specialist with an undetermined sex, please press the button three times followed by two short presses.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist of African American descent, please press and hold the button for two seconds, then press it quickly three times and then press and hold for one second.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist of African American descent, please press and hold the button for three seconds, then press it quickly three times and then press and hold for one second.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist of Asian descent, please press and hold the button for four seconds, then press it quickly two times and then press and hold for two seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist of Asian descent, please press and hold the button for four seconds, then press it quickly two times and then press and hold for three seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist who's ass you can slap then press the button quickly eight times.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist who will slap your ass and verbally humiliate you then press the button quickly seven times.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist who's nipples you can pinch and twist then press the button quickly six times followed by a pause and then two quick presses.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist who will pinch and twist your nipples then press the button quickly five times followed by a pause and then three quick presses.
We apologize in advance for the small number of options currently available but we will endeavor to expand the selection every week.
We also appreciate your patience as we try out this new system. Please understand that the specialist you request will not be able to return to their deployment office until they have completed the order requested.
Completely off topic and having nothing to do with the Handjob Supply Program, I would like to remind the staff of the Sexual Expectation and Disappointment Department that we will be reviewing a new batch of data this Friday.
Your Friend in Erotic Science,
Dr. Otto Von Madd
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist, please press the button quickly once.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist, please press and hold the button once.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist with large breasts, please press the button twice quickly and then pause, then press the button and hold for two seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist with a great ass, please press the button once, pause and then press quickly twice.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a androgynous specialist with an undetermined sex, please press the button three times followed by two short presses.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist of African American descent, please press and hold the button for two seconds, then press it quickly three times and then press and hold for one second.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist of African American descent, please press and hold the button for three seconds, then press it quickly three times and then press and hold for one second.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist of Asian descent, please press and hold the button for four seconds, then press it quickly two times and then press and hold for two seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist of Asian descent, please press and hold the button for four seconds, then press it quickly two times and then press and hold for three seconds.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist who's ass you can slap then press the button quickly eight times.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a female specialist who will slap your ass and verbally humiliate you then press the button quickly seven times.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist who's nipples you can pinch and twist then press the button quickly six times followed by a pause and then two quick presses.
If you would like to receive a handjob from a male specialist who will pinch and twist your nipples then press the button quickly five times followed by a pause and then three quick presses.
We apologize in advance for the small number of options currently available but we will endeavor to expand the selection every week.
We also appreciate your patience as we try out this new system. Please understand that the specialist you request will not be able to return to their deployment office until they have completed the order requested.
Completely off topic and having nothing to do with the Handjob Supply Program, I would like to remind the staff of the Sexual Expectation and Disappointment Department that we will be reviewing a new batch of data this Friday.
Your Friend in Erotic Science,
Dr. Otto Von Madd
Friday, January 06, 2012
Dirty Books: Deep Throat
Deep Throat is the book adaptation of the movie of the same name. The movie was such a phenomenon that they were trying to cash in any way they could and I guess a dirty book seemed like a great idea. It is written by D.M. Perkins and he had his work cut out for him. The movie was just an hour long and all of the dialogue could fit in a brochure. All in all, he did a pretty good job.I first read this book when I was a teenager stealing porn from my step-father. I was happy to buy my own copy from the excellent blog, Pop Sensation. If you like vintage books of a sleazy nature, you will love that blog.
The plot to the book is that Linda Lovelace is a girl who has never experienced an orgasm. After consulting with a sex doctor, she discovers her clitoris in located in her throat. She can now orgasm while giving blowjobs and much wackiness ensues.
Well, some wackiness ensues. Linda becomes a nurse therapist and uses her oral talents to help other sexually dysfunctional people overcome their own bizarre problems. This is the highlight of the book as Linda tackles difficult and perplexing problems that can be solved with oral sex.
Unfortunately for the reader, this phase comes to an end for Linda as she becomes unsatisfied with fun challenging sexual encounters and decides what she really needs is love. She takes a short detour and makes a porn movie about her life (OMG, so that is where the movie comes from!) before finally realizing that what a woman really needs in order to be happy is to be married.
Yeah. Now that you finally found your clit, Linda, you need to get married. Maybe the sexual revolution hadn't caught up to porn yet, I don't know.
I do want to say that this was a funny book. Sex scenes were more like sketch comedy scenes with an emphasis on the weirdness and inherent problem solving of the situation. Quite a few times I laughed out loud which is always welcome when reading porn. The book also discusses popular household brands which always feels extra naughty when reading a porn book. It was certainly a different time.
I also want to add that book is much more entertaining than the movie.
I give it Three Pam Griers out of Five.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Fiction: Honor Bra
Royal Guard Widdins returned to consciousness. The burning pain was gone. He could no longer feel the hundred shattered bones. He tried to open his eyes but darkness surrounded him. It was better than the terrible red light of that exploding missile.
“Widdins, can you hear me?” a voice said. It was the Queen! He tried to answer but nothing happened.
“Don’t try to speak,” Queen Erishella said. “The scanner can detect your awareness. That was a brave thing you did there. Who would have imagined that an assassin would fire a rocket at us? Well, the head of my security should have imagined it but rest assure that my torturers are explaining this detail to him right now.”
Widdins tried to speak again. He realized that he couldn’t feel his lips or tongue. He wasn’t sure that he even had a mouth.
“I am still amazed by what you did,” Queen Erishella said. “You jumped and tackled that rocket. A mere ten feet away from me, you covered the rocket with your body as it exploded. It killed four of your fellow guards but my personal field protected me. I doubt the field would have taken a direct hit. You saved your Queen’s life.”
Widdins waited for his cock to respond to this praise. He felt a tremor of panic when he realized that he couldn’t feel his cock.
“You were very lucky,” Queen Erishella said. “Most of your body disintegrated but Chief Scientist Xor recovered most of your brain. You can thank your helmet for that. Always wear your helmet, Widdins. You are technically dead and you have certainly earned your reward in the Underworld where I am sure Father Qang will give you bed slaves beyond imagining for saving the Queen, but there is another option.”
Widdins tried to ask what the other option was.
“I have one more duty for you, Widdins, if you are interested in serving your Queen. I understand if you feel that the explosion of your body has been enough. It is up to you. Do you want to die, or do you want to continue serving me?”
Widdins struggled with all that was left of his brain to tell her that he wished to serve.
“Excellent,” Queen Erishella said. “I shall go now while Xor prepares you.
Widdins felt his conscious mind go to sleep.
When next he awoke, he was delighted to feel. He felt two of the most perfect breasts in the entire galaxy. He could feel their weight. He experienced their luxurious softness. The hard points of her nipples pressed against him and excited him beyond imagining.
He realized that they were the Queen’s breasts. Like any loyal subject of the Queen, he owned all of the licensed royal pornography as well as many of the sex aids. He would be able to recognize the shape and contours of her breasts from a thousands other chests.
He realized that he wasn’t touching the Queen’s breasts with his hands; he was feeling her with his entire body. He was pressed against her; the entirety of his existence focused around her breasts. He had no eyes, ears or nose but he could feel and by the Gods of Night, he could taste. Widdins understood that he was her bra and how a miracle of science was done he could never guess but he was certainly grateful.
A cold wind blew and the breasts shivered. An urge to protect his Queen rose within Widdins. Instinctively he activated thermal threads and warmed his Queen.
The Queen ran and the breasts shook. Widdins exerted his will and he tightened around the breasts to give them better support. He contained the precious mountains of flesh and provided as much comfort as he could at the same time.
The Queen stopped. Widdins felt a flushing of the skin followed by a hardening of her nipples. He realized that she was aroused. Widdins trembled with excitement as he tried to think of how he could serve. Desperate, he began squeezing and pinching at the breasts. He lacked a tongue but he could contract around her breasts and kiss her the best he could.
He felt the breasts tremble. The Queen’s body was in motion. Up and down he felt the breasts bounce. She was fucking someone or something. Widdins kept squeezing. He kept pinching. He adjusted himself to provide more support during the more enthusiastic thrusts.
She climaxed. Widdins knew because he climaxed too. He lacked a cock but he felt the eruption of pleasure ripple through his new form. He joined in his Queen’s orgasm and if he had a mouth, he would have cried out her praise.
Widdins felt the bra unclasp. As the lovely breasts peeled away from him, he felt a tremendous sense of loss. He felt himself being folded away and placed on a shelf.
The familiar cloud of unconsciousness crept in all around him. He welcomed the coming sleep. He knew that it was only temporary.
Soon enough, he would serve his Queen again.
“Widdins, can you hear me?” a voice said. It was the Queen! He tried to answer but nothing happened.
“Don’t try to speak,” Queen Erishella said. “The scanner can detect your awareness. That was a brave thing you did there. Who would have imagined that an assassin would fire a rocket at us? Well, the head of my security should have imagined it but rest assure that my torturers are explaining this detail to him right now.”
Widdins tried to speak again. He realized that he couldn’t feel his lips or tongue. He wasn’t sure that he even had a mouth.
“I am still amazed by what you did,” Queen Erishella said. “You jumped and tackled that rocket. A mere ten feet away from me, you covered the rocket with your body as it exploded. It killed four of your fellow guards but my personal field protected me. I doubt the field would have taken a direct hit. You saved your Queen’s life.”
Widdins waited for his cock to respond to this praise. He felt a tremor of panic when he realized that he couldn’t feel his cock.
“You were very lucky,” Queen Erishella said. “Most of your body disintegrated but Chief Scientist Xor recovered most of your brain. You can thank your helmet for that. Always wear your helmet, Widdins. You are technically dead and you have certainly earned your reward in the Underworld where I am sure Father Qang will give you bed slaves beyond imagining for saving the Queen, but there is another option.”
Widdins tried to ask what the other option was.
“I have one more duty for you, Widdins, if you are interested in serving your Queen. I understand if you feel that the explosion of your body has been enough. It is up to you. Do you want to die, or do you want to continue serving me?”
Widdins struggled with all that was left of his brain to tell her that he wished to serve.
“Excellent,” Queen Erishella said. “I shall go now while Xor prepares you.
Widdins felt his conscious mind go to sleep.
When next he awoke, he was delighted to feel. He felt two of the most perfect breasts in the entire galaxy. He could feel their weight. He experienced their luxurious softness. The hard points of her nipples pressed against him and excited him beyond imagining.
He realized that they were the Queen’s breasts. Like any loyal subject of the Queen, he owned all of the licensed royal pornography as well as many of the sex aids. He would be able to recognize the shape and contours of her breasts from a thousands other chests.
He realized that he wasn’t touching the Queen’s breasts with his hands; he was feeling her with his entire body. He was pressed against her; the entirety of his existence focused around her breasts. He had no eyes, ears or nose but he could feel and by the Gods of Night, he could taste. Widdins understood that he was her bra and how a miracle of science was done he could never guess but he was certainly grateful.
A cold wind blew and the breasts shivered. An urge to protect his Queen rose within Widdins. Instinctively he activated thermal threads and warmed his Queen.
The Queen ran and the breasts shook. Widdins exerted his will and he tightened around the breasts to give them better support. He contained the precious mountains of flesh and provided as much comfort as he could at the same time.
The Queen stopped. Widdins felt a flushing of the skin followed by a hardening of her nipples. He realized that she was aroused. Widdins trembled with excitement as he tried to think of how he could serve. Desperate, he began squeezing and pinching at the breasts. He lacked a tongue but he could contract around her breasts and kiss her the best he could.
He felt the breasts tremble. The Queen’s body was in motion. Up and down he felt the breasts bounce. She was fucking someone or something. Widdins kept squeezing. He kept pinching. He adjusted himself to provide more support during the more enthusiastic thrusts.
She climaxed. Widdins knew because he climaxed too. He lacked a cock but he felt the eruption of pleasure ripple through his new form. He joined in his Queen’s orgasm and if he had a mouth, he would have cried out her praise.
Widdins felt the bra unclasp. As the lovely breasts peeled away from him, he felt a tremendous sense of loss. He felt himself being folded away and placed on a shelf.
The familiar cloud of unconsciousness crept in all around him. He welcomed the coming sleep. He knew that it was only temporary.
Soon enough, he would serve his Queen again.
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