Bag of Treats

Well hello. What wonderful costumes some of you are wearing. I especially like the guy dressed as a desperate masturbator. The utility belt filled with hand lotion is a nice touch.

My name is Scarlett Deadhansson and I was created in a laboratory by the eerie Trixie Treats as part of some sort of devious exchange program. I don't know all the details. My duties are to host Halloween today on the blog while Shon is busy shooting zombies and fighting the demon possessed eye of a Scotsman.

So let's see what treats I have for you, shall we?

First up is a classic Hammer film, "Blood of the Mummy". A very hot mummy chick is found by a group of British explorers in perfect physical condition and also bleeding from a missing hand despite being interred hundreds of years ago. They of course take her back to Britain. Terror and fabulous clothes ensue. I have it on good authority that the breasts of the lead actress, Valerie Leon, are worth watching the film alone.

I give it five twitching hands out of five.



Next up is a lovely television show that will hopefully not be cancelled like a murder in the night. "American Horror Story" is about an unhappy couple that really should have divorced moving into a house filled with more ghosts than a ghost writer's convention. Most horror stories showcase a family that threatens to disintegrate under the pressure of supernatural horror. The man in this show cheats on his wife and she fucking cuts his ass BEFORE they ever reach the house. Also, not many ghost stories has a rubber gimp. The marriage explodes in slow motion before your eyes while various ghosts, haunts and one terribly sexy maid ghost try to hurry thing along. Come for the sexy main and stay for the high number of strong female characters.

I give it five creepy rubber men out of five.



As a final treat, I shall share with you some music. Ghoultown is a band that some have called gothabilly and but I prefer to call them just plain fun. They sing about ghost stories with a western theme. Any of their songs would make for a great b-movie on a late night show. They can also actually play their instruments with a talent that matches their weirdness and let me tell you, that is pretty fucking rare. Any album is good but you might like 'Mistress of the Dark' the best. Listen to it on the video below.

I give them five howling banshees out of five.



That is all the treats I have for now. Some of you look a little paler than when we started. Some of you look a bit more flushed than you did before. I am no doctor but I was once dead, so I can safely advise you to go see a doctor. Preferably one that operates out of an old spooky mansion and wears a corset.

Until next year, or maybe sooner. Yes, I am talking about you.

Fiction: The Punishment of Trixie Treats

Trixie Treats smiled for the camera. She also held in her breath so that her green makeup covered cleavage would push as tightly as possible against the almost transparent white teddy that was part of her costume. Black lipstick lips smiled cruelly for the viewers at home.

“And that concludes tonights classless, I mean, classy movie, ‘Frankenstein versus the Vampires’. You might have fallen asleep during that piece of schlock but don’t worry, it was impossible to sleep through any good parts as there weren’t any.”

A howling wolf sounded came from the sound effects guy. Trixie sighed wistfully as if she had just been entered by a thick cock.

“The calling of the werewolf means that our time is up, dear ghouls,” Trixie said. “I must retire to my crypt and wait out the sun all alone in my coffin. If only one or maybe a few of you ghouls could come with me to keep me company. Until next week, on Trixie’s Movie Night Treats”

“And cut!” the director said. “Great job, Trixie! If anyone watches this episode, they might actually like the movie.”

Trixie snorted. “More likely that they rubbed one out during my introduction and went to bed. I’m going to wash this green shit off.”

The top-heavy horror hostess tottered over to her changing room. The white thong rode up her green ass like it always did. The stage crew pretended to not check out her ass but she knew that they were; them and everyone else in the late night Tucson area.

Trixie opened her changing room door and recoiled from the smell. It was the smell of corpses, blood and ancient horrors.

“Fuck, it smells like stagehands in here!” Trixie said.

Rough hands reached from the darkness and dragged her into the room. Trixie tried to scream but someone pressed what tasted like old bandages to her mouth. Trixie bit down on the cloth until she felt the yielding flesh of a hand.

“Ramses’ Beard! The bitch bit me!” a voice cried out.

“Igor, the lights!” another voice yelled.

The lights came on. Trixie gasped at the huge crowd that had surrounded her. The men were dressed up as monsters. There was a giant Frankenstein, a fangy Dracula, a few decomposing zombies, a pointy-eared Devil, a dripping Creature from a lagoon, some silver robots, a sinister clown and inexplicably, a giant banana with arms.

Trixie was quick to identify the weird part of this experience. “How the fuck did all of you fit inside my changing room? Usually this place is so small that I have to open a window if I want to take my tits out of my bra.”

“Vilence, varlot!” the Dracula said. Blood dripped from his fangs. “Ve are in a mavical vimbo beveen vime and vace.”

“What to the fuck now?” Trixie said. “Anyone speak venglish, I mean English?”

“I will translate,” the Devil said. “You are in a magical limbo between time and space. Specifically, you are in the crossroads of Horror and Fear, where monsters dwell in the subconscious.”

“SUBCONCIOUS!” Frankenstein yelled.

“Yeah, good boy,” Trixie said to Frankenstein. “Okay, nice prank boys. A little groppy with the hands but don’t worry, I won’t press charges for this little monster squad gangbang joke.”

Trixie kicked off her heels and stood up. “But I do want to know where you got these costumes. They are a ton better than our usual costumes. Like this zombie, I swear his head is about to fall off.”

Trixie pulled at the zombie’s face and the head fell off. Trixie looked in horror as the head rolled her feet. It looked up at her at her green breasts. The zombie smiled and licked his lips.

“Oh fuck,” Trixie said.

“You ave vocked us for the vast vime!” the Dracula yelled.

“Fucked who?” Trixie said.

“He meant that you mock us,” The Devil said. “Our movies used to excite the imagination and primal fears of mankind. We come to life based on the fears and horrors of humanity. It is a good life to exist in nightmares. You never die and the screams of your dreamers sustain you like the finest wine.”

One of the robots put their hand on Trixie’s right breast. She slapped it away. “If it is such a sweet gig, why bother me?”

“YOU FUCKED IT!” Frankenstein said.

“As my stitched friend said,” the Devil said. “Your mocking of our movies has chipped away at our place in the fears of mankind. We are becoming jokes and things of amusement. Now we are appearing in the dreams of children and pop culture blog writers.”

Trixie shrugged. “Sucks to be you,” she said.

“Vegin the vunishment!” the Dracula said.

The Frankenstein grabbed Trixie’s hair with his unforgiving grip. The Robots grabbed her hands and tied them behind her back. The Frankenstein pulled her towards a wooden contraption that looked suspiciously like a guillotine!

“Holy shit!” Trixie said. “You old farts are going to cut off my head because of a shitty late night movie show?”

The monsters laughed. They kept laughing as the Frankenstein picked Trixie up and dropped her on the guillotine so that her stomach was in the half circle depression. Trixie screamed as the bar fell across her back.

“Don’t cut me in half!” Trixie yelled.

Groans of disgust came from the monsters. “We are not your modern horrors with their drills and splatter shields,” spoke the Devil. “We believe in ironic justice and deserving victims.”

“ASS!” The Frankenstein said.

“Yes, and a little tits and ass,” the Devil said. “Your punishment shall fit your crime! We shall humiliate and cause to fear us once more!”

“Baby, I work for a late night television show, there isn’t much you can do to embarrass me,” Trixie said.

The monsters gathered around her ass. Trixie waited for them to pull her thong down but they didn’t. She did feel a large cold hand press against her ass. Considering how large and round Trixie’s ass was, she knew that only Frankenstein had a hand big enough to cup her ass like that.

“Vunish her!” Dracula screeched.

The hand pulled away and then returned to her ass with amazing force.

WHAM! The sound for Frankenstein’s hand impacting into her ass echoed throughout all of time and space.

Son of a bitch!” Trixie yelled. Her scream also echoed through time and space.

The Frankenstein spanked her. His heavy powerful hands shook her with every slap. The sheer size of his hand meant that every slap struck the entirety of her buttock.

Trixie kicked and screamed but the wooden stocks held her tight. The monsters mocked her efforts to escape and delighted in her shrieks. Every swing of Frankenstein’s hand caused her large breasts to jiggle and shake. In just a few slaps, she had fallen completely out of her baby doll.

“Even her nipples are greeeeeen,” said the Creature. He looked like he was in love.

“Hey, you got to commit to the costume,” Trixie said between wails of pain.

Her ass stung from the supernatural abuse and it didn’t look like Frankenstein was stopping any time soon. Trixie’s ass burned worse than any witch has ever suffered. She looked around desperately for a solution but all she saw was the Creature’s adoring gilly face.

“Hey Creature, OW OW OW! Let me out of here and I’ll let you rub your gills all over my tits!” Trixie said.

The Creature shook his head. “And lose a turn spanking your ass? I don’t think so.”

Frankenstein stopped spanking her and Trixie let out a sigh of relief. It was a short lived respite. It was the Dracula’s turn and whatever he lacked in enunciation he certainly compensated with the accuracy of his hand.

When the Dracula was through spanking her ass, the cold metallic hands of one of the robots took his place. The WHACK WHACK WHACK of the metal hand turned Trixie’s ass to fire.

Next were the aquatic creature and his peculiar webbed hands. After that, it was the solid clothed thumps of the Mummy’s hand. Another robot took his turn with his metal hands and then after him was the furry paw of a Werewolf. The clown had his turn and every time his hand met her ass, a small horn would honk. Even the Banana spanked her although Trixie still didn’t know what the fuck that was all about.

The Devil was the last one to spank her. His hand literally burned with the fires of Hell although Trixie wasn’t sure if it was hellfire she felt or just how sensitive her ass had become.

After a brutal period of spanking, the Devil walked around to Trixie’s front. He pulled her head up by her hair to face him. Tears had streaked down her face and left white trails in the green makeup. It didn’t stop him from taking a moment to admire her bare breasts.

“Your humiliation is almost complete,” the Devil said. “We have had our way with your ass and taught you the meaning of fear.” He never made eye contact with her as he kept staring at her breasts.

“And the meaning of a sore ass,” Trixie said. Her voice was hoarse from all of her screaming.

“Are you ready for the surprise ending?” The Devil said.

Trixie looked up at the Devil. “It was all a dream?”

The Monsters laughed. The Devil reached for her tits with his clawed hands. Trixie screamed as her large green tits were mauled by sharp nails and greedy fingers.

“No,” the Devil said. “Now we are going to spank the other half of you.”

Trixie screamed as the Devil’s hand slapped her tits. She screamed again as she saw the Monsters form a line behind the Devil. As big as her ass was, her tits were so much fucking bigger. This was going to be a lot of stinging slapping hurt.

She was definitely going to think twice before ever mocking old movie monsters again. Trixie was still going to mock them because hey, she needs a paycheck, but she would at least think twice.

Vacationus Interruptus

This Sunday I shall be traveling to Disney World and staying at one of their resort hotels. I haven't read the brochure yet, but my expectation is that Jasmine will massage my feet while Belle reads me a night time story. I shall return on Thursday but have no fear! Through the magic of auto updating, a new story will post on Wednesday! Unless I fuck it up.

In the meantime, I was interviewed over at the Liquid Whispers blog and my Prisoner of the Wizard's harem was reviewed. Go to those interview and see me talk about myself more than I do here. Go to the review and get convinced on why you should really read Prisoner of the Wizard's Harem.

I think I had more I wanted to say but really all I can think about it going to Disney and moving into the Haunted Mansion. I will see you next week.

Fiction: The Diamond Lake Sucker

“Alex, do you read me?”

“Loud and fucking clear, Pam. I can’t see a damn thing out here.”

“You don’t need to see anything. The shoulder camera is working great and I can see the whole lake on night vision.”

“Awesome. If you see that ghost who is going to suck off my face, let me know.”

“Fuck Alex, you never pay attention to any of the research we do on this show, do you?”

“Shit, no. I’m the comic relief. I wouldn’t’ even fucking be out here on this lake tonight if Victor hadn’t gotten sick. Dumb ass mother fucker.”

“You got that right. I mean, who eats something called Trout Balls? I don’t care if it is a local delicacy.”

“Who eats something has balls in the title? Other than you, Pam.”

“You wish, Alex.”

“Yeah, I do. I could go for some serious cock sucking right about now. Let me tell you, working on Ghost Patrol X has not been the pussy magnet I thought it would be.”

“Now I can’t tell if you are fucking with me or if you really are that dumb of a jock.”

“Why do you say that, Pam?”

“Because you are making blowjob jokes while looking for the Diamond Lake Sucker! You know, the only ghost reported to give people blowjobs?”

“What? Are you shitting me, Pam?”

“Fuck, you really are that stupid. Yes, the Diamond Lake Sucker is some slut camp counselor named Jackie Voren. She drowned in the company of another counselor. At the first the police thought the guy drowned her, but he confessed that she was under the water sucking his dick and that she got swept by a current.”

“I didn’t know lakes even had currents.”

“Hey, that’s a good point. Anyway, this girl drowned and like a year later, people say that they see her ghost and she comes out of th-“

“FUCK, WHAT IS THAT? PAM! PAM! DO YOU FUCKING SEE THIS?”

“Nothing is on the camera, Alex. What do you feel? Is it a cold spot? A strange sensation on your neck? A weird feeling in your stomach?”

“THERE IS A GOD DAMN NAKED CHICK WALKING TOWARDS ME!”

“Alex! The camera isn’t showing anything! I just see a lake! Calm down!”

“You fucking calm down, Pam! I see a chick, and she’s naked and she is glowing bright white light! It is a fucking ghost! A real one, not the bullshit we pretend to see all the time!”

“Alex, listen to me, there is nothing on camera! If this is a real spectral encounter, you got to report it! Tell me what you see and we can record it for the show.”

“FUCK YOU, PAM! I AM GETTING THE HELL OU- hey, this chick has huge knockers!”

“Okay, that is a start. How big are her knockers, Alex? And keep it clean. Just because we are a cable show don’t mean we can drop F-bombs.”

“Okay, okay. The ghost is walking towards me and she got big ones. Bigger than yours, Pam. But she isn’t chubby like you. She’s all fit and shit.”

“Gee, thanks, Alex.”

“And hey, she’s smiling at me. Oh shit, she’s going to drag me to Hell or something!”

“Calm down, Alex! No one has reported a bad experience with her! Actually what they report is either very little or something preposterous like she gave them a blowjob.”

“Hey cool, she’s trying to unzip my pants!”

“All I see is your belt coming undone, Alex. Can you describe the entity?”

“She’s a hot blonde with big tits, Pam. She got a bikini bottom on and it has polka dots. She is all white and she is winking at me.”

“Oh God, I just saw your boner!”

“I know, right? She’s kissing my cock!”

“What is the opposite of a bucket list, Alex? Cause seeing your dick is definitely one of the things I did not want to do before I died.”

“Oh fuck, yes.”

“Alex? Talk to me. I’m not looking at the screen. What is happening?”

“It is awesome, Pam. She has my cock deep in her mouth. I can feel the back of her throat. Do ghosts have throats? Because I totally feel it.”

“Eww. Try to keep it clean for the audience and for my sanity.”

“And now is really getting into it. She keeps looking at me and she grabs her tits. Her fingers just sink into those ghost pillows. I know she is dead and all but her mouth is so warm.”

“Oh god, I just took a peek at the monitor and I just see you cock bouncing up and down.”

“That’s now what I see. I see a champion cocksucker. Shit, too bad this girl is a ghost because it was a crime for such a great cocksucker to die so young!”

“Try touching her. Maybe we can collect some ectoplasm.”

“I am going to shoot my ectoplasm all over her!” FUCK! I tried to touch her tits and my hand went right through her. That is some freaky shit.”

“More freaky than getting your cock sucked by a dead girl?”

“Shit, this dead girl can suck my cock any time.”

“I just checked the EMP readings and they are off the chart. Did you hear me, Alex?”

“Uhhh,”

“Alex, what is wrong?”

“Mmm,”

“Fuck Alex, don’t get killed out there! Be safe you stupid jerk!”

“Fuck, YES! OHHHH! Damn, Pam, can’t you shut up for one minute while I bust a nut here?”

“What? OH GOD! I just looked at the screen and there is come every where!”

“Really? I don’t see shit. Ghost Girl is gone. Fuck, where did my belt go?”

“Damn, no one is going to believe this, are they Alex? We have no video, some weird EMP readings and your cock spraying jizz every where.”

“Fuck that shit, Pam. I’m going to rent a house by this fucking lake.”

Dirty Books: Lay Me Odds

"Lay Me Odds" By Rod Gray is book two in the Lady from L.U.S.T spy series. Rod Gray is most likely a man named Gardner Fox but house names being what they were, it is never a guarantee. What I do know for sure is this book was a crazy ride.

Eve Drum is a hot secret agent woman who can pick locks, shoot guns with awesome accuracy, ski like an Olympic athlete and is a master of Karate. She also has no problem creating a stripper act on short notice, assuming the role of a dominating mother to a psychologically scarred submissive male and fucking who she needs to for information. She is Bond with much better tits.

See, back in the 60's, publishing James Bond stories was printing money. Everyone else liked money so they made their own versions of Bond. I like to imagine that in the 60's, every other person at a gambling table was a spy. Some companies changed up the formula by making their secret agent American while other companies went further and made their agent a woman. Some smart companies realized that sex was the biggest appeal of Bond and went straight to porn stories. The Lady from L.U.S.T. fits snuggly into this category like a great bosom in a tight sweater.

That bosom in a tight sweater joke I made just now? That is what qualifies as porn in this book. In 150 pages I think I read four sex scenes and in some cases, I missed the sex scene because they happened in one sentence. For a book that is very frank about the subject of sex, there wasn't a lot of actual sex.

What there was a lot of was talking about sex. Before Eve has a threesome, she takes a moment to explain some historical practices of threesomes, what it is called in different languages and which countries are more open to threesomes than others. Even something as straight forward as stripping gets a lengthy explanation about the origins of stripping and what effect it has on the male psyche. It reads less like sex and more like sex education.

My wife mocked this aspect of the book but I was oddly unsurprised. I stopped reading most BDSM novels because I am sick to death of reading about characters justifying/explaining about why they enjoy BDSM. Too many BDSM books read like thesis papers on domination psychology. I sympathize because so many people in the BDSM community need to be told that what they like is normal and doesn't make them freaks. I understand why BDSM books feel the need to soothe their readers but after I have read the tenth theory on why BDSM is normal, I get a little sick of the subject. I guess in the 60's, people needed the same level of psychological soothing to help them get through a threesome.

This is not to say that the book wasn't sexy. Despite the discussion of sex and the micro short sex scenes, the rest of the book is spent with over the top action sequences and flirting. Holy shit, a sex book the flirts? It is like seeing a black lesbian unicorn. Eve shows off her stockings, makes suggestive comments, jokes, discusses how her ass and breasts look in different clothes and is an all round sexy gal. What the book lacks in out right sex it more than makes up for in teasing.

I should mention the plot. See, she has a contact who is supposed to give her some microfilm but agents of H.A.T.E have killed the guy and now . . . You know what? Who gives a fuck about the plot? All you need to know is that Eve fights some bad guys, spends most of her time in gambling places and divides men into people she can seduce and men she has to shoot. This is the rare book about sex and action that never spends too much time on either.

I give it Four out of Five Pam Griers

Old Shon Critiques the Shit Out of Young Shon

I have been quiet as of late because I have been spending way too much time digging up my oldest stories and getting them into a publishable format. I started posting stories to the internet in 1997 and finding them online is getting a bit harder and harder to do. My fans have asked for some sort of collection that they can purchase and who am I to argue with people's money?

Actually I have been arguing quite a bit. I was not fond of my earliest work. My first year of writing were all parodies and satires on the erotica genre. Older me recognizes that younger me was writing comedy because it was a safety net. If the story was poorly made; hey that was my intent because it was just comedy. I also had very weird grammar perceptions and just seeing two spaces after every comma is enough to make me get stomach pains.

Once again I was my own worse critic. Once I delved into my first stories again, I saw a lot of things that I liked. There were a lot of things I hated but hey, at least now there are things I like.

In my first story alone, I parodied bondage, blackmail, orgies, deathtraps, mud wrestling and a celebrity sex scene. What I lacked in story craft I sure as fuck made up for with ambition. I respect that. I would never recommend that to a newbie writer now but maybe I am wrong. By tackling so many subjects in my first story, I am not sure if I did any of them justice but I at least dipped my toes in those topics. By keeping them all in the same story, I got to see different sides of the same characters which I don't think ever hurts a writer.

What I don't respect is how ignorant I was of copyright laws. Holy crap. Because I thought I was just writing stories for the internet, I never thought I would be in a position to make money from them. I used real life celebrities as characters and a shit ton of comic book references. Worse, one of my main characters, Kiko, wears an outfit identical to the X-Men, Psylocke, and references this at least once per story.

To counter this, I have begun a great conversion process. Instead of Psylocke, Kiko now dresses up as the fictional superheroine, Ninjina. When Kiko took on the evil cosplayers, instead of fighting Wonder Woman, Supergirl and Batgirl, she's fighting Amazon Woman, Ultragirl and Foxgirl. I am conflicted about how this plays out but shit, at least now it is legal.

More problematic is Kiko vs the NWO. Back in the late 90's, the NWO was an exciting evil organization in professional wrestling. In my story, Kiko fucks most of them. Yeah, that is a problem. Changing names would be pointless as I would also need to change signature moves, likenesses, in-jokes etc. At least in the previous story, Kiko was fighting cosplayers instead of actual licensed characters. In the case of the NWO, the story might as well be called Kiko vs the Licensed Characters of a Billion Dollar Company.

What helps me make my decision is that Kiko vs the NWO is my least favorite story ever written by me. I wrote it during a period where I felt compelled to write "something" and so I went with the first shit idea I had. It shows. I am not going to include it in the collection though I will have a note about it's absence.

I am sharing these trials in the hope that any newbie writers out there who think it would be hilarious to have their original character interact with Dr. House would reconsider. Have your character interact with a Dr. House like character and you will thank me 14 years later when you are trying to compile your great archive vanity project.

On a completely different observation, I saw something in my older stories that I hadn't expected and that was plot. I read a lot of first stories by erotica writers and there is a 90% chance that it will be sexy stranger having sex with sexy narrator. I understand that these are prototype stories where the writers are trying to prove to themselves that they can write connected paragraphs but to me they are instant insomnia cures. If they gave them a tiny bit of plot like say, sexy stranger thinks the narrator is their ex, then it elevate their stories from late night masturbation fantasies to something worth reading and remembering.

I might not think Bikini Brothel is the finest thing I have ever written but at least there is a brothel in danger of going broke and an idiot owner who wants to fix it. A plot should always make the reader ask "What happens next?". You might not think your porn story needs it, but trust me, it helps a lot.

*Image is of the talented Yaya cosplaying as Psylocke.

Fiction: Kiss of the Nebula

Explorer’s Log: My current location is a day’s voyage from the star system designated, Queen’s Lack of Mercy, by Royal Astronomers. Scanners have picked up a cluster of sixty-eight ships floating around a micro-nebula. All of the ships are broadcasting a distress signal of some kind. Scanners have detected no life signs. Royal Navy Protocol #4 states that in this situation, I am advised to stay the fuck away from where other starships have died. I however have decided to risk further investigation in hopes of finding something worthy to bring back to the Queen. End Explorer’s Log.

Explorer’s Personal Log: Yeah my official reason was a flat out lie. It has been months since I have been properly fucked and according to one of the distress signals I found, this micro-nebula might be the best chance I have of getting laid for light years around.

Vaquel Di sat in front of the transmission screen. She was completely naked except for the shiny lotion she had smeared over her dark brown body. She had one hand on her heavy breast while her other hand was buried in her cunt. Her short pink hair was plastered to her forehead with the sweat of masturbating for a solid hour.

“Computer, replay distress message again,” Vaquel ordered.

The face of a blue woman filled the screen. She was topless and bending towards the monitor. Her sapphire breasts bounced as something green and black fucked her from behind. The blue woman looked at the screen and moaned before she began talking.

“This is Captain Acebo of the survey ship, Curiosity! We are trapped in a micro-nebula that is draining our power cells!”

The woman tried to say something more but a red hand caressed her face. Two fingers slipped into the blue woman’s mouth and gagged her. Captain Acebo closed her eyes and her cheeks caved in as she sucked on the fingers. Vaquel watched as the woman’s breasts continued to bounce as the fucking continued.

When Captain Acebo’s eyes opened again, she pulled her mouth away from the fingers and addressed the monitor again.

“The micro-nebula is fucking me and my crew. I don’t understand how. I suspect it draws on our inhibitions through some sort of telepathy. When the power cells were being drained, we had the resources to fix it but most of my crew just wanted to fuck. Fuck, I want to fuck. Even though life-support will fail in three hou-ohhhhh!”

Whatever Captain Acebo had to say was forgotten as her eyes widened in shock. The blue woman fell towards the screen and cried out in a mixture of pain and pleasure.

Vaquel stroked faster. She recognized an anal penetration when she saw one.

“Gods of the Moon!” Captain Acebo said. “Right there! Tear my ass up!”

Vaquel watched as the Captain cried out again. The Captain’s face and breasts dominated the screen but Vaquel had glimpses of the micro-nebula. Indistinct shapes moved behind the Captain, sometimes taking the form of a muscular man or a curvy woman. Cocks grew out of the cloud and rubbed against the Captain’s skin. Mouths appeared out of nowhere and kissed the Captain’s breasts.

“Glory to the Queen!” Vaquel cried out as she climaxed again. She kept stroking as Captain Acebo moaned from the anal assault.

“End transmission,” Vaquel said. The screen turned off and Vaquel looked at the computer display of the micro-nebula. It was a deathtrap that had already claimed so many spaceships. Vaquel should stay the fuck away from it.

Her cunt clenched. Vaquel was tired of fingers and vibrators. Most of all, she was tired of masturbation. She wanted to fuck.

The brilliant explorer made a few calculations. She surveyed the size of the micro-nebula. She reviewed the data that was transmitted from the other distress signals. Vaquel shook her pink hair out of her eyes and made her plans.

Vaquel stood up and went to the hallway of the Deep Space Probe.

“Computer, follow the course I programed and initiate maximum thrust.”

“Compliance,” the computer announced.

The Deep Space Probe shuddered. Maximum thrust was rarely needed. It was usually only needed for emergencies. Vaquel considered the hungry feeling in her cunt to count as an emergency.

The micro-nebula came closer. The Deep Space Probe was hurtling towards it at fantastic speeds. The Probe was aimed for the heart of the micro-nebula, the course designed for maximum immersion inside the cursed space.

“Cut engines!” Vaquel yelled.

The hum of the Deep Space Probe turned to silence as the solar sails powered down. The forward momentum however was undeterred. Two seconds later, the Deep Space Probe was inside the micro-nebula.

Vaquel felt her ears pop. The walls of the Deep Space Probe blurred as the red and black mist seeped in. Shapes took form before her. It was a confusing mix of male and female bodies, which considering how horny Vaquel was, she was eager to accept either option.

Something smooth gripped her waist. She laughed as she was lifted from her feet. Multiple hands pried apart her thighs to a flexibility that she had forgotten that she had.

“Fuck!” Vaquel cried out as something entered her. Something thick, hard, rough and unforgiving pushed into her cunt. She moaned as it filled her completely and then she shuddered as it went even deeper.

In front of her, blue mist took shape in front of her brown breasts. Faces appeared out of the mist and Vaquel was not surprised to that both faces looked like Captain Acebo. Each blue face dived on a breast and sharp teeth nibbled on Vaquel’s hard nipples.

As the twin Captain’s sucked her breasts, a pale white cock took shape before Vaquel’s face. She licked her lips as the white cock stiffened inches away from her face. A body grew around the cock and it was a strange almost reptilian looking species that Vaquel had never seen before. The four balls hanging below the cock promised more come than she could ever swallow.

The white creature grabbed Vaquel by her short pink hair and pulled her mouth to his cock. She opened her jaw and took as much of his cock as she could. He tasted like leather and his cock seemed to drain the spit from her mouth with every lick she gave him. He buried his cock in her mouth till his four balls pressed urgently against her chin.

The lights flickered inside the Deep Space Probe. The energy draining was taking effect. Vaquel tried to look around the white reptilian creature to look out the main window but everywhere she looked was cocks, breasts, asses, hands and faces.

Why did a micro-nebula have faces?

Vaquel forgot the question as something pressed against her ass. While the long cock was still thrusting inside her cunt, another cock was pushing into her anus. She groaned as something cold and smooth pushed apart her buttocks. She shuddered as her ass was slowly violated in that most intimate manner.

The twin faces of Captain Acebo were squeezing and kissing her breasts. The white creature fucked her face. The cock inside her cunt never stopped thrusting. The cock in her ass was content to move ever so slowly in and out of her ass.

Vaquel screamed her orgasm but the cock in her mouth gagged her sounds of pleasure.

The lights failed and emergency power kicked in. Vaquel could still see because the creatures in the nebula glowed with their own light. What she couldn’t tell was if the Deep Space Probe was still being carried by it’s momentum through the micro-nebula. She knew she wouldn’t know the answer to that for at least another five minutes.

The cock in her mouth climaxed. Just as she expected, a flood of come filled her mouth and gushed out of her lips. She choked on the salty come and was relieved when the cock pulled out of her mouth.

She looked down on the blue faces playing with her brown tits. She grabbed the shifting yellow hair of one of the faces and pulled it up to her own. After months of being alone, Vaquel was dying for a kiss.

The nebula facsimile of Captain Acebo was a delightful kisser. The blue woman licked the come off of Vaquel’s lips before slipping her tongue into Vaquel’s mouth. Vaquel wondered if this was some sort of absorbed spirit of the real Captain Acebo or merely a recreation from Vaquel’s own desire. A minute of intense kissing later and Vaquel didn’t care.

The cock in Vaquel’s cunt filled her with nebula come and then bulled out. A mouth, hairy and gifted with a deep tongue took the cock’s place between Vaquel’s dark thighs. Vaquel moaned into Captain Acebo’s mouth as she felt someone eat her pussy for the first time in months. Four licks later, she came again.

The whine of an air processor told Vaquel that life support just failed. The Deep Space Probe was not a big ship and the loss of life support meant that she would suffocate in less than thirty minutes.

The cock in her ass climaxed and pulled out. Probing fingers pushed into her ass instead.

Groping hands caressed her hips. Sharp nail dug into her flesh in delicious ways.

Her plump breasts were pressed tightly against a throbbing cock of unbelievable size. The cock fucked the valley of her tits until a geyser of come covered her breasts.

Someone bit her right ear. Someone else licked her left ear.

The blue woman kissed Vaquel with alternating tenderness and lust.

“Fuck us,” the blue woman whispered. “Fuck us forever and ever and ever and-“

Vaquel fell to the floor as the micro-nebula vanished. She looked towards the rear of the ship as she saw the retreating shapes reach for her. The shapes rapidly faded away as the forward momentum of the Deep Space Probe carried itself completely out of the micro-nebula.

The emergency lights came back on. It would be another few minutes before the solar sails sucked up enough power to activate the life support. It would be another ten minutes before she had any sort of navigation control.

Vaquel touched her lips. They were bruised from the force of the Captain Acebo facsimile’s kissing. Her cunt ached for the wonderful fucking. Her ass was tender from magnificent invasions. Her nipples were sore and sensitive.

She wondered about shapes. Some of those bodies were things that Vaquel had never imagined. Vaquel wondered about the words that Captain Acebo’s phantom had spoken. Perhaps the micro-nebula held all of the people it had killed. Maybe they were engaged in an endless orgy, luring more people to add to their numbers.

It was a pleasant fantasy. Vaquel masturbated as she waited for the power to be restored.

Fiction: Pussy-sitting

Crystal was bored. She was also horny but her dominant boyfriend, Robert, was away for the weekend. There would be no spankings, no bondage and no fucking until he got back from his trip on Monday.

She looked at the white board with his instructions. Robert had a picture of her naked, posted on the board. He had written instructions over various parts of her nude brown body. He wanted her to wear nipple clamps on her black nipples for half an hour a day. He wanted her no underwear over her full bush of pubic hair. He wanted her to wear red lipstick and suck on a dildo for an hour every day. She was allowed no orgasms.

Crystal shook her head. She was wearing a pair of shorts over her very plain white panties. Instead of walking around topless all day, she choose to wear her rather ugly blue bra that was very comfortable. Instead of going without sex, Crystal had already brought herself to orgasm in the shower this morning.

It wasn’t that Crystal was a bad submissive. Okay, she admitted to herself, maybe she was. She loved sucking on Robert’s white cock while he spanked her. She loved it when he humiliated her while slapping her heavy breasts. She would do almost anything for him and pretty much had, but she liked doing things for him when he was there to appreciate it. She didn’t get that delicious hungry thrill in her pussy when she submitted to him without him there.

There was a knock at the door. Crystal smiled. See? This is why it isn’t practical to be naked all weekend; she still had to answer the door.

Outside was a man that Crystal had never seen before. He was a white guy with dark hair and he looked like he just came from the gym. Wiry muscles peeked out from his tank top and cords of muscles wrapped around his legs. The most curious thing about him was his eyes. They had the same coldness in them that Robert’s eyes did.

“My name is Tom,” he said. “Robert wants you to listen to this.”

He handed a cell phone to Crystal. There was a voicemail and it was from Robert’s phone.

“Tom, its Robert. Look, I’m going to be out of town this weekend and I would appreciate it if you would check in on my sub this weekend. Crystal is a good girl but she never follows instructions. Could you check on her? My instructions are on the board. If she disobeyed, punish her as you wish. Also, use her as you wish. The horny slut needs to be fucked often. Thanks.”

Crystal’s heart pounded in her chest. Her stomach felt like it was going to collapse in on itself. She was also wet as hell.

“Come on in,” she said.

Terror gripped her as he walked in. She had an urge to run and hide the white board. Her hands went to unclasp her bra but she hesitated. Stripping now would be like an admission of guilt. Besides, was she really going to let this stranger fuck her just because Robert gave her to him?

Tom read the board in silence. He shook his head once and looked at her. His eyes promised correction and punishment.

Oh yes. Crystal knew right then that she would let Tom do whatever the fuck he pleased.

“Is this the proper clothes that Robert instructed?” Tom asked.

“No, sir,” Crystal said.

“Take off your bra, now,” Tom said.

Crystal did as he asked. There was a quick and fast way and then there was the way that Crystal was doing it. She put her hands behind her back and arched her breasts forward. She took her time as her fingers undid the clasp. When the clasp was free, she held the cups to her breasts while she unslung the straps. Only at the last moment did she reveal her nipples as she let the bra drop to the floor.

Tom didn’t complain about how long she took. Men never did. It gave them time to appreciate her large breasts and the rich brown tones of her skin. It allowed men to speculate on the color of her nipples before she revealed that they were a dark brown that was almost black with large aureoles that you would have to use a saucer to cover them with.

Crystal gloated a little as Tom’s drank in her magnificent breasts. She knew he was smitten. His punishments would not be as harsh as she deserved.

The gloating feeling faded as Tom walked up to her. His eyes were not of admiration. All he saw was tools for his cruelty.

His hand went to her right breast. Expert fingers pinched the hard nipple. With a minimal effort, he twisted.

“Ow!” Crystal cried out. She made no move to stop him.

“Have you clamped your nipples today as you were instructed?” Tom asked.

“Yes!” Crystal lied.

His fingers twisted tighter. Her breast came to live with tendrils of pain shooting through her. She also noticed that her cunt was so damn wet.

“No, no, I haven’t!” she shouted.

He released her nipple. The tension disappeared but her nipple ached with lingering pain. As she let out a sigh of relief, the first slap landed on her breast.

WHAM! Tom had slapped the top of her left breast, creating an unequal match to the precise pain on her right nipple.

“This is for disobeying your instruction,” Tom said. Disdain dripped from each word. “A sub who can’t obey instructions is just a slut who plays at being kinky.”

Crystal’s cheeks burned at the insult. Before she could respond, Tom had slapped the underside of her right breast. The unexpected angle of the slap stole her breathe away as she processed the new pain.

“If you were my sub,” Tom said as he kept slapping her breasts, “I would have thrown you out of my apartment just as you are. Topless, you could knock at my door all day and I wouldn’t let you back in. You would have to drive home, or walk if you didn’t bring your car. It wouldn’t matter to me. A disobedient slut is not my concern.”

As he berated her, his hand kept slapping. He would strike the underside of one breast and then the top of the other. He alternated between her breasts, covering them with slaps from top to bottom. The force of her slaps would lift her breasts when he wasn’t flattening them.

Crystal gritted her teeth and took it. Her breasts became hyper sensitive with every slap. The size of her breasts became a detriment as they transformed into sensitized flesh for her discomfort.

“In fact,” Robert said between slaps. “Maybe I should kick you out right now. Robert is too good for you. You obviously don’t respect him. What do you think, should I throw you out of his place?”

“No, OUCH, sir!” Crystal cried. Her voice broke as he slapped her between words. I will follow each and every instruction, I swear! “

The slapping stopped. Tom looked unconvinced of her sincerity.

“Take off your offending clothes,” he said.

Crystal didn’t put on a show this time. She unzipped her shorts and let them drop. She had to pull her panties down, which forced her tender breasts to swing downward. She cried out as the tender flesh collided with each other but she pulled her panties off as fast as possible. She stood back up and put her hands behind her back. Crystal also parted her legs just like Robert had taught her.

“It looks like you learned something from Robert,” Tom said. He reached between her thighs. His fingers pushed through the bush of hair and against her sex. The wet lips opened easily for his fingers.

“Oh shit,” Crystal gasped.

“And you are just as horny as Robert said you would be,” Tom said. “I take it that you ignored his instruction and masturbated?”

Crystal licked her lips and made a decision. “Yes, I did. This morning, sir.”

“I see,” Tom said. “Go put on the lipstick that you are supposed to wear and come back here.”

“Yes, sir!” Crystal snapped. He didn’t slap her for admitting her guilt. For a brief moment, she regretted telling the truth. As she quickly walked to the bathroom, her bouncing breasts reminded her of how painful punishment could be. No, she was going to be good for at least a little while.

The bathroom mirror reflected her punishment back at her. The red hand prints on her dark breasts glowed in the soft light. She was so taken by the sight of her new marks that she almost forgot why she was here. Crystal took her red lipstick and went to work applying it to her lips.

She smiled as the red gloss covered her lips. Tom no doubt was going to make her obey Robert’s instructions but Crystal had a feeling that she wouldn’t be sucking on a dildo. Tom had permission to use her and Crystal knew that no man could resist her full lips. Her cunt tingled at the thought of sucking his cock.

Crystal returned to the living room and tried her best not to prance in. She had her hands behind her back and even kept her head down. Outside, she was the picture of a submissive woman. Inside, she was hungry at the thought of sucking cock.

“Go the dinner table,” Tom said.

A pink dildo waited for her on the table. It was the one with the wide base and he had set it to stand up on the table. Crystal realized that Tom must know where Robert keeps the sex toys. She wondered what else Tom knew about her.

“You have an hour to make up,” Tom said. “Bend over at the waist and stuck the dildo on the table.”

Crystal puckered her lips. “Wouldn’t you rather I suck your cock instead?”

Tom pulled off his belt. Crystal’s mouth watered until he snapped the belt in his hand.

“Do I have to whip your ass before I throw it outside?” he asked.

“Fuck,” Crystal said to herself. She hurried to the table and bent over it. The fact that her round brown ass was exposed for his belt never left her mind for a moment. She opened her lips and took the dildo into her mouth. Just to make sure that he knew what he was missing, Crystal relaxed her throat and took all of the dildo into her mouth.

As she went down, her tender breasts pressed against the table. She winced as her breasts flattened against the table. All the slaps came back to life as the table touched her sensitive flesh.

She couldn’t see his reaction. The sound of a zipper being pulled down made her moan. Crystal wiggled her hips back and forth as she continued sucking the dildo. She heard him take off his pants and she knew she had him. Tom couldn’t resist her.

A hand pushed between her thighs. Still bent over, she parted her legs. Tom’s fingers pushed against her bush of pubic hair and into her sex. Crystal moaned as one, then two and finally three fingers entered her.

The fingers thrusted inside her. Crystal choked on the dildo but she kept sucking. If he was going to finger fuck her while she sucked, well, Crystal was okay with that.

The fingers moved away. Crystal whined as much as the dildo in her mouth would let her. A minute later, the fingers returned. She trembled as the fingers thrust inside her, once, twice, three times before pulling away.

“Now I’m ready,” Tom said. “Put your thighs together, tight.”

Crystal did as he asked. She also kept sucking the dildo on the table. Spit was flowing down the dildo as she sucked.

With her thighs tight together, Crystal felt something push between her legs, right below her sex. It was a cock. It was slick and Crystal understood that he had coated himself with her own juices.

“Keep your legs together, slut,” Tom said. He began to fuck.

Crystal whimpered. In and out his cock slid between her thighs just a few inches away from her pussy. One minor adjustment and he would be in her. A small tilt of her hips and she could be riding his cock.

For one brief moment, she thought about doing it. The pain in her breasts stopped her. She had no wish to feel his belt or anything else he would inflict on her.

He fucked her thighs. Every thrust made her struggle with her balance. Her poor breasts bounced against the table and Crystal had to work to keep suycking the dildo. Hands on her hips, he fucked her with a passion that made Crystal drip with desire. The fact that her desire was dripping down her thighs and onto the cock that was denied her only heightened her need.

She wanted to beg for his cock but she had her orders. Crystal had no doubt that if she stopped sucking, terrible things would happen. It was awkward as hell to stay bent over, sucking a dildo while a man fucked her thighs, but Crystal had no choice. No matter how wet and horny she was, she knew that she had to obey.

Still, she was awfully wet. Tom was fucking her faster now. His cock was coated in her own juices. She needed that cock.

Temptation warred within her. A shift of her hips and he would be inside her. Or she could reach between her legs and stroke herself. It wouldn’t take her long to come, she knew it.

What held her back was Robert. She didn’t want to imagine how he would react when Tom told her that she had disobeyed. Crystal didn’t want to compound it by adding new sins. Robert would punish her. He might even break up with her. Worse of all, he would be disappointed with her.

Crystal kept her hands where the belonged. She kept sucking on the dildo as Tom fucked her thighs.

He came. She felt the spurt of seed spray along her thigh and then onto the carpet. There was none for her.

“Keep sucking until your hour is up,” he said. She heard him putting his clothes back on. “Do the rest of your tasks as well. I may come back tonight, or tomorrow. Either way, I may fuck you if you have done your tasks as instructed.”

Crystal whimpered at the thought of a fucking. She felt his seed dripping down her dark thighs. She had never been used in such an unsatisfying manner before.

The door opened and closed. Tom was gone.

Crystal had a choice. She could stand up and stop sucking the dildo. She could jam that dildo into herself in climax in less than a minute. She could put some damn clothes back on and put some aloe on her tits. Tom might not even be back tonight.

Crystal kept sucking the dildo. He might not be back tonight, or he might. Either way, Crystal wanted to be fucked. She would play by the rules.

At least for now.

Dirty Books: House of Holes

House of Holes (a book of Raunch) is a delightfully dirty book by Nicholson Baker. It is about a magical sexual playground where any sexual fantasy can be fulfilled for a price, and if you don't have the money for it, you can certainly work it off. Want a larger dick? Are you willing to give up your arm for an indefinite amount of time? Want to have a larger ass? Okay but you may have to work awhile at the Wall of Asses and let strangers spank you. Want to have sex with a guy with a great body but no head? They have a room for that.

As you might imagine, this book is very surreal. It is also really dirty. There are no main characters as the book flits around to different characters who sometimes reappear and sometimes never appear again. Magic abounds with pseudo-sexual theory. In no way is this book meant to be taken seriously which helps creates a mood very similar to a quick masturbation fantasy.

The upside to this surreality is the lack of time wasted. Most reviews I have read can't even quote a passage from the book because it is filled with sex. The downside to this is that characters are rarely deeper than a description of their bodies and their libido. I don't think any character had a last name and towards the end I was getting greatly confused on whether I was reading about a new character or someone that I saw several chapters ago. It is a lot like an orgy that way.

There is a shitload of imagination in this book. The Pussyboard lets women surf using their pussies for control. The Groanroom is completely dark and no talking is allowed but other sounds are. They have a Handjob Cumshot competition and a gift shop. The book is more like an anthology of sex and crazy ideas.

The only real disappointment I had was the lack of representation of homosexual sex. As an erotic writer, I understand that it can be impossible to write about sex that you don't care for, but I usually at least include homosexual characters. With all the name dropping of special rooms and services, it would have been nothing for Baker to mention in passing that a male couple was headed somewhere. Considering that the House of Holes was supposed to be a place for any fantasy, this omission was terribly glaring.

Having said that, this is the most imaginative erotica book I have read from a mainstream publisher. Silly, light and devoid of deeper meaning, this book goes over the top and stays there. I found it to be a lot of fun but I had to read it in smaller bites than most books because the lack of a main character made it hard to follow.

I give it Three out of Five Pam Griers