Professor Elemental

Professor Elemental is a rapper who raps about normal every day life. You know, things like giant airships, combining animals and humans, exploring distant lands and his orangutan servant. He is what you can call a steampunk rapper except unlike 90% of most indie rappers, he actually has wonderful production values and great music.

Warren Ellis posted this video a few weeks ago and I loved it. I bought the album and it has been playing in my car ever since. My wife loves it as well and we have a pretty good duet going when it comes to 'Fighting Trousers'. You owe it to yourself to buy his album, 'Indifference Engine' at Professor Elemental.com

There is a lot to praise about Professor Elemental but I think the highest praise I can give him is that he made me jealous. Even though I write about sex, mad scientists and pirates, he seemed to be having a little bit more fun. I took that lesson to heart and renewed my dedication to writing about any crazy shit I want to make myself happy.

Fiction: In Network Death

Holly Valentine was in a tight spot. She was tied down to a wooden platform of some kind and the platform was dangling about a pit of frothing water. The fact that she was nude concerned her a little but it didn’t surprise her. She had a great ass and people were often dying to get a look at it. It was one of the hazards of being an investigative reporter.

“Ms. Valentine, I see that you are awake!”

Holly turned her head and saw the diabolical Doctor Pain. The evil wretch of a man was in charge of a vast empire of HMO’s and Insurance Providers. Holly had been investigating his company and discovered that his companies were charging people ten times the necessary amount for life saving procedures.

The wicked Doctor reached for Holly’s face. He brushed a strand of her long red hair out of her eyes.

“Such a shame that you have to die,” Dr. Pain said. “But you know too much and I can’t have you publishing your stories before Congress gives me a big fat bailout.”

“Oh?” Holly said. “Does your evil plan involve you killing me with your bad breath?”

“It’s a medical condition!” Dr. Pain screamed. “And no, my evil plan involves slowly lowering this platform into that pool of vicious miranhas.”

“Don’t you mean, piranhas?” Holly asked.

“Aha!” Dr. Pain said. “No, these are miranhas, a special breed of meat eating fish from the rivers of Brazil. These fish eat a hole into their victims and then eat their way out. However, if a victim already has a hole, like say an anus or a nicely trimmed vagina like yours, then they enter through there to eat you!”

Holly wrinkled her pert nose. “I thought you were a sick fuck for denying people with preexisting medical conditions, but you are even sicker than I thought!”

“I know, right?” Dr. Pain bragged. “And I have decided to make things interesting!”

Dr. Pain showed Holly a rather large vibrator. She watched silently as he strapped the vibrator to her inner right thigh. He pressed the head of the vibrator against her pussy.

“Does this attract the mirahnas?” Holly asked.

“No,” Dr. Pain said. “I just thought it would be sexy to do.”

He turned the vibrator on. Holly shuddered as the vibrations played against her pussy. Within seconds, she was wet.

“Shit,” Holly thought. “That must be a Von Madd vibrator.” She was really fucked now.

“Good-bye, Ms. Valentine,” Dr. Pain said. “I have a congressional hearing to prepare for.”

Holly waited till the evil insurance CEO had left the room. Once the door closed, she went to work on her bonds. Judging from the rope work on her hands and feet, they were done by professionals. She wouldn’t be slipping out of these ropes any time soon. That is not to say she couldn’t escape in time. Her cousin, Amy, used to tie her up a lot when they were kids. Holly suspects her cousin might have been bisexual and engaging in family inappropriate games with Holly, but that was okay. Holly was bisexual and inappropriate too.

The platform dropped an inch with warning. Holly’s body shook and then it shook some more as the vibrator bounced against her sex. Oh God it felt good. It had a week since Holly had gotten laid last and this vibrator was reminding her of what she was missing. Holly shifted her hip a little to see if she get the vibrator off her sex. It stayed where it was.

:”I got to get out of here,” Holly said. She wiggled and pulled against the rope.. She did a few wrist contortions she learned from a double jointed masturbator. She clenched her magnificent ass and tried to pull her ankles free. Holly’s body was constantly in motion as she tried to escape.

The platform dropped another inch. Holly wondered if the asshole doctor had it rigged on some sort of dramatic timer. The vibrator pressed against her sex and she forgot about the platform. Waves of pleasure cascaded through her body as the vibrator worked its magic.

She thought about the guard she seduced to get into the insurance headquarters. She thought about his cock slipping into her as he grabbed her firm ass. She thought about him pulling her red hair as he slammed into her. She thought about coming and thought about it a lot.

The table dropped again. “Fuck!” Holly thought. “I got to get out of here while I still can.” She tried to ignore the vibrator and went back to work on the ropes. She tried to move her wrist in a move she saw once in an Atlanta dungeon and she almost had her hand free.

But that’s when the platform dropped again. The vibrator fell against her pussy and Holly forgot all about Atlanta. She sighed with pleasure as fresh sensations flooded her mind. By the time she regained her focus, the platform was dropping again.

“I’m going about this in the wrong order,” Holly said. “I can’t escape first.”

Holly closed her and eyes and stopped thinking about the mirahna. She forgot about the rope and the platform and diabolical Dr. Pain. She turned her mind to the vibrator strapped to her leg and how wet her pussy was.

The vibrator buzzed. The pool below her bubbled with angry mirahna. The wooden platform sway in the air. Holly’s hips humped the vibrator as best she could.

The platform dropped again. A drop of water landed on her cheek. Holly imagined that it was semen. She pictured a football team crouching between her legs and taking turns eating her. She visualized a pussy specialist masturbating her as part of her annual check up.

She pictured the look on Dr. pain’s face when she crashed the congressional hearing.

Holly climaxed. Her body exploded in a blossom of sensation. Her ass clenched as she bit her lip in pleasure.

She opened her eyes. She only had less than a minute before her body was ready for another orgasm. It would be enough. Holly had the clarity she needed and the vibrator was just an annoyance for now.

Holly used an escape technique she had learned when she was investigating the TSA. A slip, a pull and a twist and she was free. She yanked the vibrator off her leg and stood on the platform. She was barely two feet above the water. A mirhana was looking at her with his misshapen eyes.

“Ugly fucker,” Holly said. She jumped off the platform, the vibrator still in her hand. She was thankful to be on solid ground again. All she had to do now was find some clothes, sneak her way out of here and get to the Senate hearing tomorrow. Piece of cake.

She noticed that the vibrator was still in her hand. “You, I’m keeping.”

Erotica Threat Level: Holiday Brown

You are looking at the cover of the next Shon Richards book. I smiled so hard at this cover that my face hurts. I sing George Sportelli's praises a lot but damn, he nailed it. This is exactly the feel I wanted to have. It's a children book for adults. I'll be putting the book together soon, reading a test copy and will have it ready for purchase next month. The book will include three brand new Island Princess stories and around 20 activities.

The 30/30 P Thing has been brutal. Writing a new story and then recording it every day has taught me a lot about the process. For one thing, it is really hard to do a sexy voice recording when I am feeling goofy or exhausted. What has been useful is the demands of doing a new story has forced me to use some ideas that have been on the back burner for ages. This kind of rapid publication is turning into an idea factory for stories. I have created three new characters that I really like already.

One thing the 30/30 P Thing has taught me is that I really hard on myself. I was depressed Sunday because I only had two stories in the buffer and I didn't feel like writing. This blog is my hobby that makes me a tiny amount of money and I am berating myself for a perceived lack of progress. I have done nine stories, recorded them and sent them out to listeners and yet I was depressed because I couldn't come up with another story on Sunday. Cripes, I have issues.

This Wednesday I will post a story which introduces a kissing cousin of one of my oldest characters. She will be the start of a new group of stories I want to do where I explore pulp style stories of the 30's and 40's in a modern context. Quite frankly, you don't need secret evil organizations of perverts when you have the TSA. I hope you like her.

Fiction: Bounty Offer

Isaac Cox organized his personal list of downsides to being a bounty hunter. Traffic had slowed to a crawl on the highway and he needed something to do Getting shot was still high on the list as well as the indignity of pissing in a plastic bottle on a long stake out. He also kept getting punched in the nose high on the list because that always fucking hurt. As bad as all of these things were, Isaac realized today that there was something far fucking worse.

#1 Downside to being a Bounty Hunter- Female fugitives

“Come on, don’t you want a blowjob that goes all the way down my throat?”

“No, thank you,” Isaac said for the 56th time this trip.

Jenni Hyler sighed. Her abundant pale cleavage threatened to escape from her tight blouse. She blew her long red hair out of her face and Isaac was convinced she did it just to have a reason to pucker her full lips. Her hands were cuffed but they were in front of her. She could easily use them to move her hair but that wasn’t Jenni’s style. She preferred to use her mouth for everything.

“Every had a woman lick your balls while you were in her throat?” Jenni said. “I can do that.”

Traffic moved three inches. Isaac closed the gap before answering.

“No, I haven’t,” he said. “I’m still not letting you go.”

“You could come in my mouth,” Jenni said. “Or on my tits if you like. I’d even let a nice stud like you come on my face. You’re a very handsome black man. I would love to have you splatter my face.”

Isaac gave her smile #2, the one that told people that he knew they were full of shit.

Jenni frowned. “What? You are really good looking. I’m not just saying that. You must work out every day. Were you a model?”

“Close,” Isaac said. “I worked at a male strip club. There is more money in bounty hunting.” That wasn’t the whole story but he wasn’t going to tell a criminal like Jenni the truth.

“A male stripper?” Jenni said. “Oh, so you’re gay.”

“I am not gay,” Isaac said. “I am just not letting a bail jumper go just for a blowjob.”

“The charges are bullshit, you know,” Jenni said.

“I don’t care,” Isaac said. “I get five thousand dollars for bringing you back. No blowjob you can give me would be worth five thousand dollars.”

Traffic moved five inches. Isaac pushed the car forward and enjoyed the silence. Hopefully Jenni would take his rejection as a signal to give up.

“Ok, you can fuck my ass,” Jenni said.

“What?” Isaac asked.

“I have only let one man fuck my ass and I made him buy me a new car first,” Jenni said. “It hurt but it felt so good. He said he never had an ass tighter than mine. Wouldn’t you like to see how tight that is?”

Isaac kept his eyes on the road. “Still not worth five thousand dollars.”

“How would you know?” Jenni purred. “I tell you what, since you might be the last cock I get before prison, I’ll let you take a test drive. Fuck my ass and if I am worth it, you’ll let me go.”

“No,” Isaac said.

“No? Are you turning my ass down? I work out every day and do a hundred lunges. You won’t find a better ass to fuck. Shit, you look like you could use a fuck. How long has it been for you?”

Isaac was too stunned by her directness to think of a lie. “About six months,” he said.

“Fuck!” Jenni yelled. “I’m surprised you are walking upright! Look, now I have to give you a pity fuck. Just unzip and I’ll suck you off right now. You don’t even have to let me go. Consider it a free taste before you have my ass.”

Isaac hadn’t been a bounty hunter for long but he had a feeling that letting Jenni suck him off was a bad idea. Then again, so was going six months without getting laid. He verified it in his head. Yep, six months ago, Christie and him had sex in her apartment right before she told him they were growing apart. He remembered that night very well. She rode him and he admired her breasts. He also remembered that growing apart was code for she didn’t want to date a guy who owned handcuffs that were not for kinky reasons.

“Hey, are you listening?” Jenni said.

Isaac looked Jenni over. He couldn’t believe he was actually thinking about it. Jenni was hot, but she was also a fugitive. To be fair though, she was really fucking hot. She had breasts so soft looking that he just wanted to dive in with his face. Her full lips looked like they could suck a basketball through a garden hose. The best part was, she might even shut up if his cock was gagging her mouth.

Isaac looked back at the road. All the years that he was a stripper, he never did anything that made him feel bad about himself. When a suitcase of mob money got left at the club, he was always the one to return it. When a shoot-out broke out between lady cops and lesbian biker gangs, he was always the one to drag a wounded stripper to safety. Isaac was basically a good person and de had a feeling that fucking criminals was not something that he was going to be proud of in the morning.

On the other hand, Jenni was really fucking hot.

“I am horny,” Isaac said out loud. He was mostly talking to himself. It was a bad habit he picked up from working alone.

“You look horny!” Jenni said. Her voice dropped to a husky tone. “I swear baby, I could do things to you that you would never imagine. I’ll be your slut, your whore and your bitch rolled up into one.

“Yep, I am horny,” Isaac said. That actually sounded good.

Traffic was at a standstill. Isaac lifted his hips and unzipped his pants.

“Oh shit, right here?” Jenni asked.

As an answer, Isaac pulled his pants and boxers down. His hard cock stood at attention. Jenni gasped when she saw it.

“Fuck baby, that is going to feel so good in my ass.”

“Open your mouth,” Isaac said.

Jenni quickly obeyed.

Isaac held his hand out flat against her mouth. “Lick,” he said.

Jenni stuck out her tongue and gave his hand one long loving wet lick.

Isaac’s cock throbbed. Fuck, he was horny.

He pulled his wet hand away and wrapped it around his cock. He squeezed her spit against his firm member. He groaned and enjoyed the sensation.

Isaac pumped his cock with his hand. Of course, Jenni wasn’t going to be quiet.

“No, no, no!” Jenni said. “Let me do it! I’ll jack you off. I’ll have to use both hands but I’ll do it!”

Isaac didn’t answer her. He jacked off a little faster. He pictured her using both hands. He pictured ramming her head down onto his cock. He pictured her mounting his cock. He imagined being inside her ass.

He pictured Christie watching and getting jealous.

“Please!” Jenni begged. “Let me at least swallow it!”

Isaac didn’t care if she was sincere or not. He didn’t care if she was still trying to bribe her way out of jail. Hell, he didn’t care if she was really worried about never getting cock again. With his cock in hand, the only thing that mattered was that she was begging to swallow him.

“Fuck!” He climaxed. A healthy mess of sticky seed flew up and landed on his lap. Traffic moved four inches and he ignored it. He kept jacking until he was done.

It took awhile. Jenni sat quietly as she pouted. He reached across her to get tissues out of the glove compartment. Isaac cleaned himself up while Jenni stared at his wilting cock.

“I’ll still suck you,” Jenni said.

“No thank you,” Isaac said. “I’m good now.”

Isaac decided to revise his list. Female fugitives weren’t so bad.

Do You Hear What I Fuck

An old friend of mine, Isabel, got back in touch with me recently. Isabel is a phone sex Mistress who works at a lovely website that offers audio recordings as a side business. I have always loved Isabel's writing and the only thing more delightful than her writing is to hear you read it herself.

Listening to her recordings and the recordings of other mistresses, I got that itch to try it myself. I enjoy writing my stories but sometimes I wish I could really convey the utter annoyance in Mr. Dillon's face. I wish my readers could hear Otto Von Madd's brilliant confidence. I think the Texanah stories in particular might be better listened to instead of read.

On a style note, I like the intimacy of a audio story. I sometimes feel that my stories lack heat. I am confident in my ability to tell a plot, but I worry sometimes that my stories are not particularly sexy. An audio story, especially one where the speaker addresses an unheard recipient, is like a dirty letter. It forms a bond that I think is very sensual. I think I can tell some sexy stories, especially some BDSM ones this way.

To aid me in this endeavor, I downloaded the demo version of Mixcraft. It is a bit overpowered for my purposes. It is a lot like buying a Hitachi wand to use as a paperweight. I love it. That thing is smarter than me which lets me just record things and not worry about it keeping up with me.

I learned a lot recording my first story. For one thing, don't read the whole fucking story in one take. also, don't tuck your foot under your leg because halfway through the story you will want to move it and your loud creaky chair will drown you out.

The most important thing I have learned is that some stories are not meant to be read out loud. Things that look great on paper and inside your head, don't necessarily sound right in the mouths of people. The best example I know is Frank Miller's Sin city. On paper, the endless narration reads like a wonderful deluge of misery, crime and desire. In the movie, spoken by people, it sounds like a parody of noir spoken by someone with criminal tourettes. You won't know if what you write is genius until you actually read it out loud.

Which doesn't even get into how my voice sounds to me. Holy crap, I do not like my voice. I sound like a teenager in my opinion. Where's the super cool voice I hear in my head all of the time? I am greatly disappointed.

Isabel and I were discussing our productivity issues. We decided to do what we call the 30/30 Porn Thing. We will write and record a new story every day for thirty days. The emphasis is to produce something, not over edit ourselves into paralysis. This works great for me as it forces me to use Mixcraft and learn how to use it on a daily basis.

This is where you, my curious readers, come in. I am thinking of setting up an email list where I send out a link to the audio story of the day. Feedback is appreciated as I do genuinely want to make stories worth storing on your iPod. Right now I have two stories done and have 28 to go. Man, thanksgiving is going to be tricky.

If you would like to be a part of this, please send an email to shonrichards at yahoo.com. Put 30/30 P Thing in the subject line so that I catch it. Every day, at some almost random time, I will send out an email to the people on the list. I will use internet magic to blind copy the email so all of you secret readers don't have to know each other. I will be using Box.net to store the downloads and I am cuious how that works too.

Fiction: Personal Management

Queen Erishella sat on her Skull Throne. The planet of Euphoria and its conquered worlds required an immense amount of attention. A complex team of governors, enslavers and scientists handled most of the work but some details were too important to be left alone.

The Queen pressed a button on her throne. A giant screen hovered in front of her. She dialed in the designation and the connection was immediately made. When the Queen calls, the video phone always answers.

A harried wretch of a man appeared on the screen. “Queen Erishella! I did not expect you to call till next week!”

Queen Erishella did not answer right away. She wanted him to get a good look at his Queen. She wanted him to notice the bright emeralds woven into her long black hair. She waited till his eyes took in that she was topless except for a small sprinkling of diamonds between her breasts. She waited till his eyes traveled down to the large ruby she wore over her sex. The Queen wanted to remind him of the wealth and power she symbolized.

“Peltus, I am concerned that your new tax model will not be ready for implementation,” Queen Erishella said. “As my Tax General, I will accept nothing less than a flawless execution of my new policies.”

“Of course, my Queen,” Peltus said. “But we have never attempted something like this before. A tax deduction proportional to the girth of a cock or the firmness of a breast is not something we have tried before. I am also concerned that heavily taxing those who have sworn vows of celibacy may cause warfare among the more esoteric religious orders.”

Queen Erishella narrowed her eyes. “Are you telling me that you think my ideas are unfeasible?”

“Never, my Queen!” Peltus quickly said. “I merely confess that my humble brain struggles to realize your divine brilliance! Even then, I fully expect to begin indoctrinating the tax collectors in the new policies beginning tomorrow.”

“Excellent news,” Queen Erishella said. “I can see that my policy of forbidding you an orgasm till you completed this work to be a strong motivator. How long has it been for you?”

Peltus groaned. “Seven months, 2 weeks and 14 days, my Queen.”

“Would you like to experience a temporary release?” the Queen asked.

“Oh Gods, yes,” Peltus said.

“Unzip and take out your cock,” Queen Erishella said.

Peltus rose from his desk and ripped his pants open. His cock was ready and pulsing. He gripped his cock like a long lost friend.

“May I have some lube, my Queen?” Peltus asked.

“Absolutely not,” Queen Erishella said. “If my mere attention is not all the lubrication that you need, then you need to report to the Royal Doctor.”

“Yes, my Queen!” Peltus said.

“Now stroke, slowly my Tax General,” she said. “As slow as your miserable progress on my new policies.”

Peltus obeyed. Under her watchful eye, Peltus stroked his cock with deliberate slowness. His poor cock throbbed in his hand and he trembled with barely contained excitement.

“Grip your balls,” Queen Erishella demanded. “Grip them as tightly as I want to wring the credits from those bastard religious scoundrels.”

Peltus used his other hand to grab his balls. As his Queen watched, Peltus grabbed himself most tightly. He winced a little but he knew that anything less than his full strength would be unacceptable.

“Stroke a little faster,” Queen Erishella said. She glanced away and admire the nude body of one of her slaves. He was a recent acquisition from the Gem Moon of Carnelia. His cock was three times the size of Peltus. Queen Erishella knew from personal experience that the slave’s cock could last at least an hour before finally surrendering his seed. She was half tempted to promote the slave to Tax General just to have more interesting reward sessions.

She turned her attention back to Peltus. His hard cock looked ready to burst. Queen Erishella frowned with disapproval.

“You have no self-control,” Queen Erishella said.

“Yes, my Queen,” Peltus said. His voice cracked as he struggled to hold back his climax.

She shook her head. “You are going to burst at any moment, aren’t you?”

“Yes, my Queen!” Peltus said.

Queen Erishella watched him. He was more than ready. He was dying to climax but he knew better. He had to have her command first. His life depended on it.

“You said that the tax collectors will begin training tomorrow?”

“Yes, my Queen!” Peltus said.

“And they will be trained in three days?”

Peltus winced as he kept stroking. “It will take five days, my Queen!”

Queen Erishella stared at him. Her hand played absently with a diamond next to her right nipple.

“Three days!” Peltus said. “I swear my Queen, they will be trained in three days!”

The Queen glanced at her bed slave. She might learn his name tonight. Maybe she will just name his cock instead.

Queen Erishella looked back to Peltus. “You may climax.”

“Yes,” Peltus yelled. “Glory to the Queen!”

Queen Erishella watched as his cock gave his offering. He made a mess on his desk. Seven months was a lot of come.

She turned off the screen. She pressed a button on the Skull Throne. Another face appeared on the screen. It was the Governess of the conquered Gem Moon of Amethystine. The woman was squirming from three months of sexual denial.

“Meridix, I am concerned that you are behind in your slave shipments for the production of more Ravish,” the Queen said.

The Queen spent the rest of the day managing her kingdom’s affairs.

Consortium of Genius

'Music For Supervillains' is a CD for the special villainous soul in your life. Crafted by the Consortium of Genius and selling for the criminal low price of $9.99, this CD contains a bunch of songs for every evil personality in your confused brain. The CD tells the story of the Consortium of Genius and their rather pathetic failures in the area of zombie creation. In between failures, they segue into songs in the styles of country, metal, lounge songs etc. In other words, it is some crazy shit.

I downloaded the CD because hey, music for supervillains, and I have to say that I was a little unimpressed at first. It won me over however with it's rather fearless commitment to jokes I would have given up on long ago. There is something wonderfully cheesy about the whole affair that requires the listener to have a drink and chill out. It is like a super extended Mystery Science Theater 3000 skit. I have a feeling that these people would be awesome to see on stage and after a bit, I found myself tickled by their crazy humor. It just goes to show that commitment to a crazy idea can overcome anything.

They are a comedy group but they are also quite good musicians. Some of the songs are just umm, genius. 'Zombie Apocalypse Barbecue' is going on my next road trip. 'Mallet of Metal' brings a tear to my jaded Dungeons and Dragons soul. I really have to give some special praise to 'Everybody Dies (But Me)' as it may be my favorite Femme Fatale song of all time.

As a guy who writes erotic stories about a mad scientist, I recognize that this band has the same insane commitment to their pet project. The wonder of the internet makes it possible to share in their hallucination. Give their album a try at CDBaby at this link here.

Fiction: Last Minute

“Son of a bitch!” Ashley screamed. She gripped the bed sheets tight as the invasion continued.

“Should I stop?” Gabby asked.

“No!” Ashley said. “Keep pushing!”

Gabby pushed the dildo harder. Slowly it sunk another inch into Ashley’s stretched anus.

“Fuck!” Ashley yelled. “Do you have to go so fast?”

“It’s your own fault,” Gabby said. “You knew you needed to take eight inches for your first test in Anal Proficiency, so what do you do? You wait till the last damn minute to get your ass ready for it. You can’t get away with that kind of shit here at Eros University.”

Ashley took a shuddering breath. “Just keep pushing, please. My test is tomorrow. You can chew me out if I fail.”

Gabby shook her head. She loved her girlfriend but sometimes she drove her up the wall. She took a firm grip on the dildo and pushed it deeper. The pen mark on the dildo told Gabby that only five inches were inside her love. It was going to be a long night.

“Just promise me you’ll never cram for a test again.”

Fiction: Fucktopia Orgy

Fucktits had a lot to do today. She had to unfuck the clog in Pipecock 27. She had to lick her aunt at lunchfuck and later she promised to help Suckmouth give blowjobs to the guys in water refucking. But first, she had to investigate a suspicious sound coming from the Cuntportal.

The lights flickered as Fucktits walked. No one ever fucked here. There was no need. The Cuntportal only went to the outside world and who would want to go there? According to the porn books, the only things outside were bright light, something called ‘bibles’ and people who didn’t fuck. It sounded like the most boring orgyplace ever.

Fucktits could hear the sound now. It sounded like someone was spanking the Cuntportal from the other side. The spanking sounds were regular pulses. Sometimes they would go faster and then slow down. Could there be someone on the other side?

There was only one way to hump for sure. Fucktits turned a lever. Steam from the boiler rooms far below reached the fucklock. The steam pushed the cockpiston which worked the Cuntportal. The huge metal gears fucked together.

For the first time in over a hundred years, the Cuntportal opened.

There was a man on the other side, but no man Fucktits had ever seen. His body was covered for one thing. It was like he took bed sheets and wrapped them around his legs and chest. The fact that Fucktits couldn’t see his cock was unsettling. How could he stand there like that and not be naked? It was vulgar.

His face was cute though. He had a thin brown goatee like the paintings of the FuckFounders that hung in the Suckroom. He wore weird purple goggles like the ones they used in the boiler rooms. He smiled when he saw her, as if he was greatly relieved to see her. The poor man. He must need help taking off the cloth that was choking him.

“Hello, I am Dr. Otto Von Madd,” he said. He offered his hand to her.

Fucktits giggled. What a weird name! She took his hand and pressed it to her tits. He squeezed it once and Fucktits was impressed with his breastshake.

“My name is Fucktits,” she said. “Are you a narrow minded prude?” She wasn’t sure what that term meant but it was something they taught her about the outside world in threesome class as a child.

“Not exactly,” Dr. Von Madd said. “I take it then that this is Utopia Seven?

“Oh no, that’s not us,” Fucktits said. “This is Fucktopia Orgy.”

The doctor nodded wisely. He moved his hand away from her breast. “Fascinating. It appears that your isolationist colony has evolved and created your own language. Judging from your physical perfection, I am assuming that you were somehow able to reproduce without genetic anomalies.”

Fucktits frowned. The man was saying all sorts of gibberish. It was probably because the odd things on his body were constricting blood to his cock. Well, like her mothers used to say, fuck like you would like to be fucked.

She stepped up to Otto and pulled off the white sheet that draped his shoulders. He watched her silently as she worked out his belt and figured out his zipper. She pulled his pants down and stared in wonder at his boxers. The rising erection was familiar to her and she pulled the boxers down to release it. Once his cock was free, Fucktits stroked it to make sure it was okay.

“Simply amazing,” Dr. Von Madd said. “When I came across Professor Honstorn’s journals on unleashed reproductive urges and his proposal to make an underground paradise where men and women would be free to act on all of their carnal impulses, I thought for sure I would simply find a bunker with a few skeletons and an open bottle of absinthe. You have no idea how many sexual utopias dating from the 18th century end up that way. I am very impressed.”

Fucktits stroked faster. The man was obviously insane. She only understood a few words of what he said but she didn’t hear fuck, suck, come or orgy in anything. It was like he came from a severely retarded world.

His cock felt good though. She wanted it inside her mouth. She let go of his cock and kneeled. Fucktits opened her mouth and waited.

She smiled when he put his cock between her lips. Well, he wasn’t completely retarded. At least he knew where his cock was supposed to go. Her lips sealed around him and she moaned happily.

“That is wonderful,” Dr. Von Madd said. “Rarely have I had so much sectional torque applied while maintaining excellent levels of lubrication. Fucktopia must be very advanced sexually.

Fucktits did something with her tongue that Dr. Von Madd had only previously experienced with a hundred year old Tibetian prostitute.

“Extraordinary,” he groaned. “Tell me, how many people do you have here?”

“Two hundred and fucking eight,” Fucktits said with his cock still in her mouth. It never occurred to her people to stop sucking or licking to talk.

Lucky for her, Dr. Von Madd was used to people answering his questions while sucking his cock. He understood her perfectly. He enjoyed her sucking for a few minutes before asking his next question.

“I assume that your complex is powered by steam and clever clockwork devices?”

Fucktits reached down between her legs and stroked as she sucked. “We use steam to make the gears fuck and climax power. The minepounders get the coal and the metal-masturbaters stroke the gears.”

He reached down and stroked her hair. His fingers did something wonderful to her scalp. Fucktits called out to the Gods, Wet and Hard.

“And what do you do for sustenance?”

“What the limp does that word mean?”

Dr. Von Madd thrust a little faster as he thought of a better way to phrase the question. “What do you suck that isn’t people?”

“Oh!” Fucktits said. “We suck and lick mushrooms that we make hard in the glass bedrooms.”

“Fascinating,” Dr. Von Madd said. “So, your orgy is complete? You don’t need anything else to keep fucking? You are self sufficient? I mean, your people can masturbate forever?”

Fucktits nodded. She felt his cock erupt in her mouth. He tasted strange, not of mushrooms at all. She liked it.

“Then I think the best thing to do would be to reseal the door,” Dr. Von Madd said. “The outside world would not be as understanding. Perhaps I can leave a radio here so if your orgy does need something, I could assist.”

Fucktits looked up at him and stroked herself.

“What’s a radio?” she asked.

“You’ll like it,” Dr. Von Madd said. “I’ll teach you how to have phonesex on it.”

Fuktits smiled. She didn’t know what phonesex was but it sounded dirty and new. Maybe the outside world had something to offer after all.

The Mermaid Question

This lovely sketch card was drawn by Joe Gravel and you can try to buy it on ebay. There is a lot to love about this image, from the crab to the pouty look on the mermaid, but it brings to mind a problem I am experiencing. I am not sure whether to include such supernatural hijinks in my pirate anthology next summer.

When one writes about male and female pirates on a ship together in the 1500's, you are essentially writing science fiction. That kind of stuff didn't happen and the kind of sexual pleasure orgy ship I am envisaging would have trouble sailing much less looting with all the fucking they are doing. Porn trumps historical accuracy in this book.

Yet I find myself holding back when it comes to adding things like mermaids and sea monsters. They are such a rich part of the lore and yet once I have mermaid sex in the book, I cross a mythical line on the deck. That would be the point where readers expect Captain Long John Cock and singing pirates.

(Pirates did sing chanties and I plan to have some in the book, but you know what I mean)

Suspension of belief in porn is a funny thing. By funny I really mean it is a pain in the ass. Perfect tits can break suspension or they can make a story. Simultaneous orgasms can make readers roll their eyes or cinch the moment in their memory for the rest of their lives. It is a question of taste, style and execution and sometimes it can be just plain dumb luck. I have written stories about clone women fighting giant lobsters and it was the improper gun safety that one reader complained about. You can't predict these things and if you try to head off every possible problem you can go insane.

Which is what makes writing such an adventure sometimes. Even when you write about zombies, witches and mad scientists, you don't have automatic license to throw in a ship swallowing whale. You have to make that judgment with every story you do. If you do include the fantastic, you have to see how it fits with the rest of the story. Just like perfect cocks and buoyant tits, they might sound great but they don't fit with everything. I wish I had a hard and fast anwser or guide to refer to but the truth is that you just start to develop a sense over time. It doesn't feel right to add mermaids to my book so I probably won't. Only you can tell if weird shit is right for your story.

Pirates however, are always okay.