Fiction: The Day the Vibrators Died Part Two

Catalina walked out into the street. Honking horns came from all over the city. A siren could be heard as well. Somewhere nearby, people were shouting at each other. The aura of frustration was seeping into the city. Catalina had to find the source and soon.

Eric came out of the store and joined her.

“Umm, you don’t have your shirt on, you know,” he said.

Catalina looked down. Her bare breasts glowed in the street lights. She could still see the pattern from where Eric came on her. “Shit, you’re right. God, I am too horny to think.”

“Is that why you’re rubbing yourself down there?” Eric asked.

Catalina looked again. Sure enough, her hand was between her thighs, rubbing her sex through the folds of her skirt. Catalina didn’t even realize it.

“This is not good,” she said. “This is going to be hard enough and I can’t focus. I have to get my shit together.”

“I brought your shirt, and some wipes for, you know,” Eric said.

“Thanks,” Catalina said. She put the shirt on without wiping herself first. “I prefer to let the seed soak in. Tell me Eric, what’s the largest metal structure in this town?”

“What?” he said. “I’m not sure. Do you know what’s causing it? I thought you said something about a gremlin? Those weird things from that movie?”

Catalina nodded. Her hand drifted back down between her thighs. Without even thinking about, her hand slipped into her waistband and slipped into her sex.

“I said gremlins but no, not like the movie. Gremlins are creatures from another plane of existence. That came here during World War II but they were mostly banished. One of two slip back in on occasion, though.”

Catalina stopped talking as she stroked herself. She had her clitoris trapped between two of her fingers and she was squeezing herself in a wonderful rhythm.

“So, umm, if a bunch of vibrators stop working, does that mean there is a bunch of them breaking things?” Eric asked. He thought about telling her that she was stroking herself but it was so damn hot to watch.

“No,” Catalina said. “Gremlins don’t break things. They steal a machine’s potential for sexual vibration. During the War, a lot of pilots were turned on by the rumbling of their planes and the fighting they were about to do. Gremlins would steal those vibrations and use them for their own pleasure. The result is that the machines don’t work because the Gremlins are interrupting that moment between when a machine works and the sexual pleasure it produces.”

Eric closed his eyes. “Potential vibrations? How does that even work?”

Catalina groaned. She was thrusting deep inside herself. “It’s why we call it magic. Right now a Gremlin is using those vibrations to get off. It would use something big and metal as a focus.”

“Well the biggest thing in town is the water tower,” Eric said. “Would that work?”

“Yes!” Catalina cried and Eric wasn’t sure if she was talking to him. “We should go there and check it out.”

She kept masturbating. Eric watched and bit his lip. He really wanted to keep watching. He sighed as his sense of responsibility kicked in.

“Then we better go now, right? You’re just standing there masturbating again.”

Catalina pulled her hand out from her skirt. Her hand glistened. “Fuck,” she said. “Do you have a car? You better drive.”

Eric’s car was parked around back. He opened the door for Catalina and she didn’t seem to notice. He couldn’t remember the last time a woman was in his car that wasn’t his mom. He just hoped he hadn’t left any porn in the front seat.

He hadn’t.

They drove for twenty minutes. Eric didn’t say anything, mostly because he was hoping Catalina would start masturbating again. In his mind he could picture her hiking up her skirt and fingering herself. He wondered if she was smooth or if she had hair. He wondered if he would get to know.

“Holy shit,” she yelled as they came within sight of the water tower.

“I know, it’s huge right?” Eric said. “We had a drought back in the 40’s so they built the biggest water tower they could as a sort or reservoir.”

Catalina laughed. “I’m talking about the Gremlin. You can’t see it, can you?”

Eric peered through the windshield. “Nope, is he on top?”

“Here, this will help,” Catalina said. She finally did pull up her skirt and Eric was aroused to see a lovely patch of dark hair between her legs. She dipped her fingers into her sex and pulled it out. Her fingers came close to his face and he opened his mouth.

“Shut your mouth, Eric,” she said kindly. Catalina rubbed her wet fingers over his eyebrows and then on each cheek. The smell of her desire was intoxicating.

“Now look,” she said.

Eric screamed. The monster was straddling the water tower. It’s fat legs dangled on either side of the tower while it’s clawed hands gripped the edge. The face was smiling with a mouth that had too much teeth. The monster was grinding. It rubbed itself back and forth across the topside of the tower. Eric couldn’t see it’s genitals but he realized he really didn’t want to.

Catalina looked at him. This was the important part. Normally she worked alone but she needed the help. Being exposed to something from another world breaks most people. She had to know if she could trust him.

Eric looked away from the monster. “Well fuck,” he said. “How do we stop it?”

Catalina grabbed his face and kissed him. Their mouths opened and their tongues tasted each other. They kissed till Eric ran out of breath.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“That was the right answer,” Catalina said. “Now come on.”

They got out of the car and approached the water tower. There was a humming sound and Eric realized it was the tower. The entire structure was vibrating.

“Wow, the gremlin has turned it into one big giant Sybian,” Eric said.

Catalina looked at him oddly. “You mean an Oracle?”

Eric laughed. “You might know a lot about sex magic, but you don’t know much about sex machines.”

“Good thing I have you,” Catalina said. She started to climb up the ladder to the top. “Come on Eric and please, be sure to look up my skirt.”

The ladder rungs were vibrating so much that Eric’s fingers were in danger of going numb. As Catalina requested, he kept his eyes mostly looking up. Catalina’s skirt stayed open and Eric wondered if that was the result of her magic. He didn’t care. The view of her shapely legs in constant motion kept Eric in motion as he followed. On occasion the skirt would open even further and he could see the outline of her curvy ass. The climb was over in no time.

It was very disorienting on top of the water tower. Eric could see the giant Gremlin grinding away but the creature was transparent. Catalina walked through one of the Gremlin’s legs and headed to the center of the tower. Eric hesitated in following. The center was where the creature’s vagina was rubbing the tower.

“What’s the matter,” Catalina yelled.

“It has a pussy!” Eric yelled. “I thought it would have something, you know, weirder and magical!”

Catalina’s laughter could be heard above the vibrations. “A pussy is pretty magical if you ask me. Now get yourself over here. We’re going to banish this thing.”

Eric sighed and took a step. He walked through the Gremlin and there was no resistance at all. He kept walking and tried to avoid the monster’s bucking pussy but it was impossible. Catalina was standing right on it.

“How are we going to do that?” Eric said.

“Gremlins get off on the sexual connection between people and machines, but they are notoriously close minded about other connections,” Catalina said. “We’re going to kill the sexual arousal in this Gremlin by having sex.”

“Wow,” Eric said. “So, we’re going to gross the monster out by fucking? This is the best plan ever!”

Catalina smiled. She touched him on the shoulder and Eric felt a sudden rush of air. His clothes exploded off his body, littering the top of the water tower with the shredded fragments of his clothes.

“Jesus!” he yelled.

“What can I say?” Catalina said. “I’m in a fucking hurry.”

Eric laughed nervously. He got down on his back. The metal was surprisingly warm. The tower’s vibrations did funny things to his scrotum. The worse part was that now that he was on his back, he was looking straight up the Gremlin’s ten foot high cunt.

He looked at Catalina instead. The busty woman had already taken off her shirt and was now stepping out of her skirt. The moonlight made her dusky body glow. She stood over Eric’s body and then squatted down. She grabbed his cock and gave him a squeeze.

“You’ve already came tonight and here you are, hard and ready to go again,” Catalina said.

“Gee, it must be magic,” Eric said.

Catalina laughed and while she was still laughing, she slid her sex over his. His young hardness merged into her wise heat. She took all of him into her and when there was no more to take, her thighs and knees settled around his hips. They were joined.

Eric looked up. The beautiful Hispanic woman moved. It wasn’t the mechanical up and down he had seen in porn. This was a slow sensuous swaying that pulsed through Catalina’s entire body. Her satin black hair shimmered over her breasts as her twisted and turned. Her fingers stroked rhythmic paths through his chest hair. Catalina’s body became an extension of his desires through his cock.

This was sex. Although Eric wasn’t a virgin, he felt like he had never had sex before.

Above Catalina, the Gremlin continued to grind. Eric couldn’t help looking at it. It’s pussy engulfed Eric and Catalina and Eric could swear he could almost feel the juices he saw coming off it.

“Look at me,” Catalina said. Her fingers pinched his nipples and he tore his gaze off the Gremlin. “Look at me, Eric. Ignore everything and think about how good I feel.”

“I’m trying,” he groaned. “It’s just so weird.”

Catalina nodded. She rolled her hips in a wonderful way. “Think about what you are going to do to me later.”

“Later?” Eric asked.

“Oh yes,” Catalina said. “When we banish this Gremlin, I’m taking you back to my hotel room for a proper reward. It’s not every day you save a town from its own frustrations. And we will do anything you want Eric.”

She looked at him and licked her lips. “Anything, Eric.”

His hands gripped her hips. “Oh God,” he said.

“Want me to suck you off and let you come on my face like they do in porn?” Catalina said. “I’ll do it.”

“Want to fuck my tight ass while I grip the bed sheets?” Catalina said. “I’ll do it.”

“Want to eat my pussy till I come on your tongue?” Catalina said. “I’ll do it.”

“Want me to come all night long like I am about to do right now, Eric?” Catalina said. “I so want to do that.”

Eric watched as Catalina came. Her slow sensual movements sped into a frenzy. He felt her sex clenching on his cock tighter than anything he had felt before. She threw her head back and her hair snapped back with her.

“Yes!” Catalina cried.

Eric said nothing as he came, his speech stolen by the beauty on top of him.

It took another before he realized the Gremlin was gone.

“We did it!” Eric said.

Catalina shifted her hips. They both moaned. “We certainly did.”

“Did you mean it when you said you wanted me to come back to your hotel room?” Eric said.

Catalina shifted hips again. “Yes. The frustration is mostly gone but I am still carrying a lot of it. I need to get it out of my system soon. I have an appointment in two days to bless a brothel.”

“Wow, so you do stuff like this all the time?” Eric asked.

“Mostly,” she answered. “Most of the time I work for clients who need a little magical help. A crisis like this isn’t common, but when it happens I do my part to stop it.”

Eric was quiet. Catalina did something clever with her hips.

“Do you need any help?” Eric asked.

Catalina stopped moving. “With the brothel?”

“Yeah, or anything else you do,” Eric said. “I mean, I worked in a sex store so I know things. I’m not shy about kinky stuff. And well, this was fun and scary and very weird. I just, I can’t work for my mom forever, you know?”

Catalina leaned forward. Her breasts pressed against his chest. He could feel her breathe on his lips.

“It’s not all fun and sex,” she said. “Sometimes it’s danger and sex.”

Eric’s cock pulsed.

“And it won’t just be sex with you,” Catalina said. “I will have sex with sprits, demons and monsters and sometimes just really hot looking guys. I can’t be faithful. Do you understand that?”

Eric nodded.

“No, you don’t,” Catalina said. “But that’s okay. Jealousy can be a potent energy as well.”

She sat up and settled back on his cock. “We have a lot to go over. I’ll need to train your mind to prepare for the psychic fallout that comes from magic. I’ll need to read your sexual astrology. Shit, I need to figure out how much I am going to pay you.”

“Ok, sure,” Eric said. “What do we work on first?”

Catalina looked down on him. “Getting back to my hotel and fucking our brains out.”

The end.

Design of Sexbot

For those of you interested in such things, Alex Dai blogs about the design choices in creating Sashav38DD. One of my favorite concepts that Alex came up with was the idea of a silo that would form around the breasts. His blog is loaded with a lot of sketches he came up with as we worked out her design.

League of Extraordinary Pornographers Episode 228

"We did it," the Invisible MILF said. "We actually destroyed the Secret Censors of Atlantis. Their island will sink back into the ocean with all of their hideous porn erasing super technology."

I sighed. "True, but I don't think the Pimp Ship will survive the coming tsunami. We saved the world, but I am afraid it will be at the cost of our own lives."

I felt her hand over mine. "I just realized something," she said. Her voice was so damn sexy. Even with our impending doom, I was getting an erection.

My heart started pounding. "Yes?"

"Why have you never kissed me?" the Invisible MILF asked.

That was tough. Do I tell her how being the mother of my best friend makes things awkward? Do I tell her about how I have fantasized about her every other night? Do I tell her that I was thinking the same thing?

Instead of all of that, I reached up to where her face might be. My fingers slipped under her long hair and I pulled her to me. She smelled like cookies, Vogue magazines and a warm summer. I felt the air escape her lips as she gasped, moments before I kissed her.

She kissed me hard. I closed my eyes and I could almost see her body pressed against mine. She placed one of my hands on her breast and I groaned. I squeezed her invisible tit and I felt her body tremble. Her other hand went to my ass and she grabbed it hard like she was claiming me. I could feel all of her sexual experience within her, ready to devour me.

"We only have a few minutes before we die," she said when our lips finally broke apart.

"I know," I said, breatheless.

"Then hurry up and fuck me," the Invisible MILF said.

Fiction: The Day the Vibrators Died

Alice was almost there. She had her vibrator deep inside her cunt and her feet were braced on the footboard of her bed. It always felt a little slutty to have her legs up in the air like this but fuck it. This was always the best way to come. Alice had a hard day and damn it, she deserved a great orgasm.

The vibrator died in her hands. “No, no!” Alice cried. “I just changed the batteries!”

A mile away Helen was grinding against her lover, Paula. Helen thought the idea of a double ended vibrator was silly but not anymore. She was impaled on the buzzing plastic goodness and everything was feeling awesome. Helen could tell Paula was enjoying it too. Paula’s eyes were halfway closed, like they always were before an orgasm. What was great was that Helen was about to come to. They looked in each others' eyes and held off till they could time it just right.

The buzzing stopped, right in mid grind. Both women looked down in horror.

Further down the road, Victoria leaned against her washing machine. Her husband, Jack, always asked why she had to run the washer so late at night. He had no idea that it was the only way Victoria could get any sleep tonight. Rubbing against the washer right as the hot and cold water sloshed back and forth sent her private secret parts all a twitter. Sex never gave her the same bliss the washer machine did so Victoria felt no shame in getting her happiness where she could. There was no need for Jack to know either.

The washer machine quit. Victoria looked down and moaned. She pressed the button. She lifted the lid and closed it. It just wouldn’t start. It was so unfair!

Two miles away, Catalina stood in a hotel bathroom. She checked herself out in the mirror. She was beautiful but when you have Catalina’s job, you always need to make sure. Her long black hair was shimmered like velvet when she turned her head. The red shirt she wore barely contained her large breasts which was just how Catalina liked it.

Catalina was a Voluptumancer, a practitioner of sexual magic. She used sex, and she was empowered by sex but most of all, she was sex.

A wave came crashing down on her. Catalina gripped the sink to keep from falling to the ground. Her body was attuned to the sexual pulse of her environment which was often a good thing but right now it threatened to drown her. It was a wave of frustration, as if an entire town of libidos was suddenly denied their pleasure at the same time.

For Catalina, it meant becoming horny enough to fuck an entire football team and the college they came from. Her hand went to her sex but it wasn’t enough. She needed cock. She needed a mouth. She needed someone there.

She stood up and looked at the mirror. Her desire was on her face. Gone was the sexy confident magic woman. Instead she looked into the face of a very horny slut. As she looked closer, she saw other faces besides her own. She saw a frustrated housewife. She saw lesbian lovers frowning. She saw tense single woman and many, many more faces.

“Well now. It looks I have a job to do.”

Half an hour later, Catalina stood outside the only sex store in town. It was nine at night on a Friday night but ‘Sweet Romance’ was closed for the night. Inside, Catalina could see two people inside the store but when Catalina knocked, the woman inside shook her head.

“We’re closed!” the woman yelled. “Go away!”

On a good night, Catalina might have gone elsewhere. On a good night, Catalina wouldn’t be carrying the sexual frustration of an entire town. This qualified for a bad night and a worse attitude.

Catalina leaned down and kissed the lock. The door opened for no lock can resist the kiss of a Voluptumancer.

“Excuse me, but I need to check your sex toys,” Catalina said.

The man inside the store was barely old enough to be in the store. He was cute with his short blond hair, but to be honest, Catalina was so frustrated that a blind leper with a limp would have looked sexy.

“I’m sorry, but we’re having troubles with our novelty items,” he said.

The woman pushed the younger man aside and stomped towards Catalina. She was much older than the man but she had the same blond hair, albeit a lot longer and grayer. The frown lines on her face made her like crueler than she was but Catalina was still turned on.

“I said we were closed!” the woman said. “And Eric, don’t tell people about the vibrators. I don’t know why everyone decided to return their tonight but we never offer refunds!”

“So the vibrators stopped working?” Catalina asked.

“Yes,” the man answered. The woman smacked his arm.

“No, they work fine. None of them are broken. Now get out, we’re closed. I’m tired of customers thinking they can get refunds tonight. I’m going to close till they all calm down.”

Catalina shook her head. “I didn’t say they were broken, I just said they stopped working. I’m trying to figure out why, you silly woman.”

The woman snarled. “Get out of my store now or I am calling the police.”

“I don’t have time for this,” Catalina said. She touched the woman on the arm and the woman fell to the floor.”

“Mom!” the man yelled. He rushed to her side but stopped as his mother started to groan. As he watched, his mother whispered things in her sleep and started dry humping the floor.

“Your mother?” Catalina said. “You work for your mom in a sex store?”

Eric looked at her. “What? Yeah, I do. Get over it. What did you do to my mom?”

Catalina smiled. The boy had attitude. “I discharged some of the frustration I was carrying. Your mom is having the best wet dream of her life but she won’t climax. I just needed her to hush so you can explain to me what was going on.”

Eric started to say something and stopped. He looked at his mom and then at Catalina. “Ok, first, too much information on my mom, alright? Second, who are you and how did you know our vibrators stopped?”

Catalina picked up a vibrator on the display shelf. She turned it on and nothing happened. “Sorry, I am working under a lot of stress here. My name is Catalina and I am a Voluptumancer. I practice sexual magic and I can tell that nothing that vibrates and gives pleasure is working in this town. That includes vibrators, some washing machines and in one case, a bowling pin scrubber that should really be disinfected. I don’t have time to convince you that all sex gives off magical energies and those energies can be manipulated, you just have to trust me, okay?”

Eric looked down at his mom who was kissing the floor. “Do something magical other than knock my mom out.”

Catalina looked into his eyes. Eric felt his cock harden but that was because he was looking more into her cleavage than her eyes.

“You masturbated to a picture of Ali Larter last night,” Catalina said. “The first girl you kissed was Jenny Gordon but the first girl you fucked was Jenny’s nicer friend, Candice. Your favorite position is cowgirl and you have 32 pornographic images on your Ipod of Sasha Gray.”

Eric blushed. “Uh, okay. You got magic. What do you need?”

Catalina looked around the store. “I don’t know. I mean, I came here because sometimes the sex life of a town can be cursed and the best place to put the curse is at a sex store. I just don’t feel a curse here. I’m also carrying the combined frustrated energy of the town so I can’t think for shit. It has to be something other than a curse but it could be several things.”

“Well, if you don’t know what it is, maybe it will take care of itself and go away?” Eric said.

Catalina shook her head. Her long black hair floated around her face. “No, it’s too dangerous to have this much frustration around. Normal people won’t absorb the energy like I have but they’ll feel it. Tempers will be short and violence will break out. No, if I am to stop people from getting hurt, we have to stop this now.”

Eric looked around the store. “Well you’ve convinced me. Feel free to use anything here that can help.”

“Thank you, Eric,” Catalina said. She lifted her tight red shirt over her head. Her bare breasts stood in all their glory. Eric had worked in this sex store for two years and in all of the porn he had seen, he had never seen breasts that buoyant and beautiful.

“You said you were frustrated, but . . .” Eric said.

Catalina went down to her knees. “No offense Eric, but you couldn’t satisfy me tonight.”

Eric looked down as Catalina unzipped his pants. “Uh, why are you doing that then?”

“Because we need to do a scrying,” Catalina said. She let his pants drop to his ankles. His cock was standing proud underneath his boxers. Catalina pulled his cock free and with both hands, she began to stroke him.

Eric’s knees shook. “I don’t know what a scrying is but I like it.”

Catalina looked up at him. Her hands kept pumping his cock. “Scrying is like when witches look into a crystal ball or fortune tellers read a palm. Voluptumancers need something a little more intimate.”

Eric moaned. “Oh my God, this is unreal. First the vibrators stop working, then my mom is in a wet dream and now a sexy woman is jacking me off.”

Catalina smiled. “I always enjoy being called sexy.” Her hand cupped his balls. She gave him a gentle squeeze, not enough to hurt but enough to let him know a woman was holding him there.”

“Oh boy,” Eric moaned. Catalina could feel the surge of his orgasm coming.

“No boy here, Eric,” she said. “Just a handsome man with a very handsome cock. Now give me your pleasure, Eric. Come all over my breasts. Drop your white load on my brown tits. Would you like that?”

Eric nodded and Catalina felt his cock throb. Normally she would use some sort of lube even if it was spit but Eric didn’t need it. Her hand was all her needed. She loosened her grip just slightly so she could jack him faster. Catalina rose up slightly on her knees, presenting her breasts a few tantalizing inches away from his cock. One good thrust and his cock would drop right into her cleavage.

She looked up at Eric and their eyes locked again. He needed that final bit to push himself over the edge.

Catalina licked her lips.

Eric cried out. His cock erupted and a heavy load shot forth. Catalina felt the hot splatter on her chest and her own sex clenched in frustration. She ignored her own needs and kept pumping his cock. Six streams later, she released him and looked down on the white splashes on her tits.

The come itself didn’t form a pattern. It’s the trained Voluptumancer’s sensitive mind that looks at the chaos of desire’s traces and makes sense out of it. Like an artists can see a dog in the clouds or a musician can hear the rhythm of an idling car, a Voluptumancer can sense the magic around her in the semen of a young man.

“Well shit, that explains a lot,” Catalina said. The pointy ears, the three rows of teeth and the triangle eyes emerged from the splattered mess on her tits.

“What is it?” Eric asked. “Can you see it or umm, do I need to do it again?”

Catalina smiled. “Put your shooter away, cowboy. Looks like this town has a gremlin.”

To be continued.

League of Extraordinary Pornographers Episode 94

"It's true," Dr. Vanilla told me. His girlfriend of the week had her head in his lap. He was looked down on her with such affection. His fingers trailed through her long blonde hair with a certain reverence that was almost spiritual.

"I just can't beleive it," I said. "I mean really, the term 'sex-positive' was created by the sex-hating Hollow Earth Vatican? I see respected sexperts use that term all the time."

Dr. Vanilla signed. He lightly ran his fingers over his girlfriend's cheeks. He traced the counters of her bone structure like he was trying to memorize them by touch.

"Sexperts are a seperate conspiracy," Mr. Dom said. His hand was now over his girlfriend's mouth. He closed her nose as well. Her blue eyes bulged. Not for the first time, I wondered if he would let her breathe before she passed out.

She made a whimpering noise and Mr. Dom smiled. It was a cruel smile. He pulled his hand away. She gasped for air but she knew better than to move away. She knew to stay in her place.

"Think about it, idiot," Mr. Dom said and I took no offense. "Sex-positive implies that some things are good sex. By simply having the term, it implies that there must be a sex-negative. Since no one uses the term, sex-negative, it leaves it up to the individual to figure out what is bad sex."

"But I have read definitions for sex-negative," I said. "It applies to puritanism and anti-sex attitudes."

"Dumb-ass," Mr. Dom said. "Yeah, they have a definition, but how often do you see people use the term, sex-negative?" Compare that to how often you see the term, sex-positive, used as fucking punctuation?"

Mr. Dom grabbed a fistful of the blonde's hair and yanked her head back. "And you better damn well thank me when I let you breathe, slave."

The girlfriend whimpered again. "Yes, sir. Thank you sir."

"Oh," I said. "And if you don't use the term often enough to define it, then it is possible that it could be anything. Rough sex, footplay, role-playing etc could all be sex-negative."

Dr. Vanilla bent down and placed a kiss as gentle as a father's on his girlfriend's forehead. He looked hurt when she flinched.

"Correct," Dr. Vanilla said. "See? It was right there in front of you. You just needed to work it out for yourself."

"No, that would be your mother!"

I know you don't play Team Fortress 2. I know most videos from games are boring. Trust me when I say you will enjoy this video and you will thank me for bringing it to your attention.

And it has porn in it.

Happy Mother's Day

Zdravstvuj, readers. Shon has locked himself in his secret meditation bunker to begin work on his next epic piece of porn. By epic I do not of course mean a real book like say, 'War and Peace'. Shon thinks a hundred pages is epic. If he had to write the Iliad, he would have done it in a three minute song, and the chorus would have been about Helen's tits.

In the mean time, Shon asked me to quote "Take care of the flowers for Mother's Day." I have been doing this task with a certain amount of glee. It is not often I am allowed to kill something. I have been taking care of the flowers with my AK-47 and it has been quite lovely. I guess a flamethrower would be quicker but I prefer to kill things one by one.

To those annoying readers who want to point out that Mother's Day has already passed, please keep in mind that back in Mother Russia, Mother's Day comes in November. There we understand that your mother needs to be reminded why she gave birth to her spawn during one of the coldest months of the year.

I am finished with providing excuses for Shon's absence today. I shall return to the fields and slaughter more flowers. If I had an imagination I would picture every flower belonging to a SpamBot.

*Surveillance photo provided by Alex Dai*

Fiction: Robot Killer Surprise

Dr. Otto Von Madd pressed the button. A force field appeared around the red paddle and Otto tapped the paddle onto his hand. The force field amplified his tiny amount of tapping into a powerful blow in his hand. It looked like the Momentum-Assisted Paddle could be ready for the Summer Kink Convention season.

“Dr. Von Madd,” an urgent voice said in his ear. “We have an emergency on level Seven.”

Otto sighed. “There is always an emergency, Tanya; it’s why I hired you as my Security Chief. I would have thought your extensive background with corporate espionage would have prepared you for any emergencies that would arise.”

There was a pause on the communication line. “Doctor, I once fought off an attack from the Duchandu Corporation that consisted of a team of Ninjas led by a top heavy blonde and crazy brunette who wore the tightest jeans you have ever seen. I can handle high stress situations, I’m just not exactly sure what it is we have destroying the organic sex toys department.”

“My apologies,” Otto said. “I forget you have just started last week. Please describe the emergency.”

“We have a nearly naked redhead running around in the Organic SexToy Laboratory,” Tanya reported. “All she is wearing is a long black duster and a pair of sunglasses.”

“Obviously she must be a scientist who got into the aphrodisiac garden,” Otto said. “How does this constitute an emergency?”

“Well, she’s shooting lasers out of her hands for one,” Tanya said dryly.

Otto put down the paddle. “Hmm, any other unusual attributes?”

“So far she has kicked down a steel door, jumped twenty feet to avoid a pit trap and so far she hasn’t missed a single scientist that she has aimed at.”

“Oh wait, is it May already?”

“Uh, Doctor, what does that have to do with anything?”

“Everything Tanya,” Otto said. “Every May someone sends a robot assassin to kill me. You said it was a redhead?”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“Hmm, that’s nice. Last year it was an blonde and the year before it was a very curvy black female. A redhead is a nice change of pace. What would you estimate her cup size to be?”

“Oh those things are D’s at least,” Tanya said. “I’m sorry Doctor, but you’re saying someone tries to kill you every May? Why May?”

“Excellent question,” Otto said. “I suspect it has something to do with the fact that time travel is far more reliable when during the month of May. If they sent it any other month, they stand a good chance of losing their robot entirely or worse, missing their target by an entire century. You know, my uncle Ludwig had a theory that Queen Victoria was originally a lost time traveling robot.”

“Wait a minute,” Tanya said. “This thing is from the future? Who is trying to kill you in the future?”

Otto shrugged. He walked to his personal elevator and set the destination for his armory. “Some admirer I think. So far all of the robots have been body types I am attracted to.”

“Shall I mobilize the security robots after it?” Tanya asked.

“Absolutely not,” Otto said. “What is the fun in that? I shall subdue it personally. I have a suit of armor ready for this sort of thing. It’s equipped with EMP gloves and a magnetic field condom.”

“A condom?” Tanya asked.

“Of course,” Otto said. “I’m not going to fuck a sexy killer assassin robot from the future without one.”

“But why, doctor? Why would you fuck a sexy killer assassin robot from the future in the first place?”

“Ah, the question is, why would they send a SEXY robot if they didn’t mean for me to fuck it?” Otto said.

There was silence on the line. Otto could almost his picture the look on his security chief’s face. Her blue eyes would be closed and her excellent mouth would be open in disbelief. He thought about her sensible short blonde hair and shook his head. No sense in fantasizing about the staff when he had a perfectly good sex robot to subdue.

“I am almost ready,” Otto said. “Please evacuate the floor and seal the exits after I enter. Oh, and give me at least four hours before contacting me again. I like to enjoy my gifts.”

“Understood, Doctor,” Tanya said. “Uh . . .never mind.”

“Go ahead, Tanya. You had a question?”

“Can I watch?” Tanya asked.

Otto smiled and adjusted his goggles. “You’re my security chief. Of course you can.”

Story Crush

I have an idea. A big sexy beautiful idea that I can't wait to turn into a nice long sexy fuck of a story. There is a tinge of guilt because I have a long list of ideas that have been patiently waiting for my attention but I am blissfully ignoring my other ideas in favor of this new slut of an idea.

New story ideas are like crushes. I bore everyone I talk to about how much I love this idea. I flirt with the idea, toying with it in my mind before getting to work on it. I am fascinated by the idea but also afraid of engaging it right now. It's sexy and beautiful and at this stage, it is a perfect. As soon as I start working on it the perfection will slip away as the reality takes hold. There were be plotting issues. There will be something that doesn't quite work so I'll need to change my expectations. There will be work. Oh my, lots and lots of work. I can see that even now.

But for today, I just want to enjoy the crush.

About Star Trek

The new Star Trek movie is great.

You want more? Okay. For a franchise that has touted the interracial and international nature of it's crew, this is the first Star Trek movie that gave Sulu, Chekov and Uhura significant screen time to the point that I felt like they were the cream of their professions. That might seem minor to you but in a movie that is juggling 7 or 8 characters, I was really impressed.

They also somehow made a Kirk who was a disrespectful asshole but somehow someone you can root for and sympathize.

The movie finally embraced that Spock is far from logical. He's a damn emotional timebomb who is trying really hard to be calm around these idiot apes. I love that.

Most of all, it was fun. I fully endorse fun movies.

Flowers and Dissappointments

Kids, when you buy flowers online, read all the fine print. The picture to the left is what was advertised.













This is what she got.

Get your momma a music player instead.

Fiction: Slut-In-Law

“Mark, what are you doing here?”

I pushed my way through the door and grabbed Claudia’s throat. She gasped as my fingers tightened. Some of her long black hair was trapped in my fingers but that was all right. I squeezed too hard and her eyes widened. I had her attention.

I kicked the door shut behind me and pushed her against the wall. She had a delicate blouse on that I ripped open. Her bra held her massive breasts and I pulled a tit out. My fingers scratched her nipple before I twisted it.

She tried to scream her pain but she was out of air.

I let go of her throat and pulled out the other breast. Her pink nipple was already hard. I clamped her nipple with my fingers and this time she did scream. I twisted both of her nipples and she rose on the tip of her toes.

“What did I do wrong?” she asked.

“That is a better answer,” I said.

Claudia wasn’t a bad mother-in-law. She just needed to be disciplined from time to time.

I released her nipples and grabbed her by her hair. “Your little comment to Trish last week.”

I pulled her by the hair to the living room. When we got to the back of the couch, Claudia tried to pull away. I brought her face up and slapped her twice.

“Over the couch,” I growled.

She looked down shyly. For a brief flash I saw her as demure young girl instead of the forty something woman she was. It was only a moment, because she unzipped her pants without being told and pulled her pants down. My slut-in-law wasn’t wearing panties.

“Oh you knew,” I said.

Claudia looked at me with those wise green eyes of hers and bent over the couch. She braced her legs in an arch and presented her ass. The bitch was playing me, but damn, she did have a wonderful ass.

“Tell me what I did,” she said.

I took off my belt. “You told Trish that the reason she looked chubby in her swimsuit was because of all the butter she used for the mashed potatoes. Now Trish is on a diet and damn it, the mashed potatoes suck with less butter.”

Claudia clenched her very tight buttocks. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize Trish would take it so personally.”

I hit her with my belt. Claudia hissed and arched her back. I pushed her head back down over the couch.

“You are an awful liar,” I said. She whimpered in response. There was nothing more to say.

I whipped her ass. I have never spanked my kids and I have certainly never spanked Trish. There was something about Claudia though that brought it out in me. Mercy left me. Marks appeared on her ass; horrible angry looking welts and yet I kept whipping her. When I whipped my mother-in-law, I became a different person.

At first I used to think it was because I knew of her Claudia’s sins. I knew about the ways she used to nag Trish when Trish was a teenager. I knew about how Claudia’s insistence on cleanliness had given Trish a minor bacteria phobia. I knew a hundred different secret ways that Trish resented her mother and how Trish hated herself for disliking her popular mother sometimes. In my mind, whipping Claudia was helping Trish get some sort of second hand revenge. It was karma.

“Oh fuck!” Claudia yelled as my belt went between her legs and landed on her cunt. I hit her there a few more times. The blows were barely slaps but on her sensitive sex, the pain was shocking.

I knew the truth these days. I punished Claudia because it was fucking hot. The infractions she committed were just an excuse.

The belt fell from my hands. Claudia jumped as the buckle hit the floor. She was breathing hard and swaying her ass back and forth as if she was trying to cool it off.

“Your punishment isn’t over,” I said.

My mother-in-law groaned. “My mouth?” she asked.

“No.”

“My pussy?” she begged.

“No.”

Claudia moaned.

I spread her buttocks apart. She screamed as my fingers touched her marks. I took the bottle of lube out of my pocket and applied it to my cock.

“Please, I’ll be good,” she whined.

I slipped my cock into her ass. She moaned as she took everything I had. I could feel every tremble of her body. My hands went to her black hair and pulled her head back so I could see her face in the mirror above the mantle.

She was smiling.

I took my time. We fucked for a good half an hour. I added a few more welts to her ass with my hand. I’ll say this about Claudia, for an older woman, she can take a fucking. I hope Trish had this much endurance when she is her age.

Claudia came twice. The first time I caught her fingering herself as I fucked her ass. I let her finish but then I forbade her from touching herself. The second orgasm she got from my hand. I needed to feel her ass clench in that spasm way of hers when she comes.

I came in Claudia’s ass. She hates it but then, that’s why I do it. She knew better than to complain.

“You’ll behave,” I said later. I was dressed again while Claudia was naked on the floor. She was a beautiful sweaty mess.

“Yes,” she said. I believed her. For now.

“Good,” I said.

As I went to my car, I saw another car pulling into the driveway. I waited to see who it was. I smirked a little when I saw it was Brian.

“What did she do?” I asked.

Brian slammed the door of his car and came towards me. “Claudia told Shelly that she needed to stop wearing shorts because her thighs were too big.”

“Damn, that is cold,” I said. “Well, fair warning, I just whipped her ass and fucked it.”

He nodded. “That’s okay. I was thinking about doing some breast binding and face fucking her. After talking Shelly out of not throwing away all of her shorts for half of Sunday, I’m not leaving here till I bust a nut in Claudia’s mouth.”

I got into my car. “Sounds good. Oh, tell Claudia Happy Mother’s Day. I forgot.”

Random Porn Inspiration

I have a large file on my computer called Projects. The initial idea was that I would put pictures there that inspired me so that I could refer to them later. The odd nature of erotica means the folder is pretty damn incoherent and all over the place. Which I guess serves it's purpose. Sometimes I open the file and grab a random image and see what it does to my imagination. The complete lack of organization means that pretty much every image is random.

I don't have many HNT's in my folder. I think it's because I am very aware of how difficult it is to get a good sexy picture of yourself that also hides your identity. Being aware of the limitations takes me out of an inspirational mindset and into a sympathetic critical one. I have to say though, the few I do have are pretty spectacular. I just wish I did a better job of naming them so I know where they came from.


I am surprised by how many Page 3 girls I have in my folder. As a jaded porn writer I feel like I should be somehow too strange to appreciate a simple busty blonde but yet here I am. I think some things are just universal. As much as the internal snob wants to be above what everyone else likes, some people are just beautiful and sexy no matter who is looking at them.

That's the most important part of an inspiration folder. It has to be honest. It has to include every odd thing that captures your libido. You don't have to a story about latest TV star who's on every magazine cover but you can recognize what her appeal is to you and translate those feelings into a story. That folder belongs to you and it does you no good if it's custom made for what you want people to think of you.

Apocafuck: The Devil's Hexagon

The Devil's Hexagon is an area of downtown Atlanta in which a number of strippers, escorts and beautiful people have disappeared during the early 90's. The local media attributed the disappearances to a serial killer but no bodies of the missing were ever found. Also, many of the disappearances happened in front of witnesses although the sordid nature of the Devil's Hexagon discourages many witnesses from sticking around or giving their true names to reporters.

The boundaries of the Devil's Hexagon traditionally starts at the male strip club, 'Men, Men and Men', travels east down Peachtree Street to the adult store, 'The Toy Shack', then heads southeast down Dunwoody Industrial to the adult video rental store, 'Starnight Movies', southwest down Dunwoody-Peachtree to the tattoo parlor, 'it's Gonna hurt', then west down Piedmont to the adult book store, 'Brown Bag Books' then northwest up Peachtree Peidmont to the strip club, 'The Classy Belle' then northeast up Peachtree Street back to 'Men, Men and Men.'

The first documented disappearance happened in 1993 when stripper, Brad Bimmers went missing. Witness spotted him walking through the front door of a tanning salon but the security cameras of the salon showed no one entering. Local homphobic rednecks were blamed and posters went up but no one information came forward on Brad or his amazing physique.

For the next four years, at least 100 other cases were documented. It began with missing strippers and other adult industry workers but soon customers and in one case, an car of lost high school cheerleaders went missing. The cheerleaders was one of the more disturbing cases as the car was found idling on a street corner with the doors locked and the windows rolled up. Their purses were left behind but odddly not their pom poms.

Religious groups claim the disappearances was God weeding out the sinners. Civic leaders argued that the disappearances were proof that the clubs and adult businesses should be closed down. Right wing militia groups suspected that black vans were kidnapping people to use as sex slaves for the United Nations.

A pagan witch by the name of Medea Ares claims that the disappearances are the first sign of a Sexual Rapture where all the sex workers were taken to a paradise to teach them to be sex angels for the Apocafuck. This theory of course was ignored and ridiculed by the Atlanta Constitution as they preferred the United Nations sex slave theory.

The last reported disappearance happened stopped in 1996 when the stripper, Dusty Mounds vanished on stage. The busty blonde was spinning on a pole and simply vanished. The centrifugal force sent her bikini top and bottom into the crowd. At first the crowd applauded as they thought it was part of the act but when she didn't reappear to collect the money on stage they knew she had really dissappeared.

In 1998, zoning laws closed down many of the adult businesses in the Devil's Hexagon. Most of the owners moved onto to other interests that were more socially acceptable like advance payroll cashing, gun stores and real estate. The area is now known for having the highest concentration of Waffle Houses in Atlanta, which is saying something.

Recently in 2009, several fabulously attractive people have disappeared in Tokyo, Japan around one of the more disreputable parts of town. It will take more research to determine if this a new Devil's Hexagon.

First of May

Pick up other love songs at Jonathan Coulton's site.