I went outside today. No shit. I walked down to the apartment building's pool and read a book. This is the crazy mo-fo I am, I took off my shoes and let my feet soak in the cool water. I read for about an hour and a half before I got really sore from sitting on concrete.
The sad thing is, it took me thirty minutes of stalling to go to the pool. I imagined hordes of kids, wives sitting around thinking I'm there to gawk at them or worse, buff men who will sneer at my pudgy body. The pool of course was empty. I was almost dissappointed that there was no one there to conquer my fears over. Later the most muscular tanned guy in the world did come by but I wasn't scared of him. If anything, I pitied his awesome tan and body. Looks like a lot of work.
I came back and started writing. I don't know if it was the sunlight, or the fear or what, but I was able to sit down and crank out two stuttering pages. Woot me!
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Thursday, September 08, 2005
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Agoraphobia
So yesterday I needed to go to the barber shop. I was looking forward to it, and my wife was looking forward to it. I was going to walk down to the street corner and get my hair cut and come back. Simple.
I could not bring myself to walk out that door. I was gripped with terror. The worse part was that I couldn't even say what I was afraid of. I wasn't afraid of getting mugged, getting lost or getting a bad haircut. I was just scared shitless. My stomach rebelled and I found every excuse to stay at home where it was safe.
Obviously I have a problem. I've always been shy, and I've always been reluctant to meet new people but I have never understood why. I have lost relationships because I couldn't leave the house some days. I thought I was just the world's biggest chicken.
Apparently I am not a chicken, I have agoraphobia. I used to think that was the fear of open spaces, but after doing some research I have discovered that it is a term for people who create safety zones and are terrified of leaving them. For me, it's going outside by myself. If my wife or a loved one is with me, I do a lot better and am even adventerous. Those comfort zones however don't extend to the phone where I somedays can't even order myself a pizza. Going out to ride the bus is a terror. Getting a job is something I desperately need to do but I just can't see how I can do it. It scares me to death.
I think the fears extended into my wrtiting when I decided to try to go professional. Looking back, I can see how writing for a different audience took me out of my comfort zone and made it as hard as going on a MARTA bus ride. That understanding makes it easier for me to see why I have been unable to write but it also angers me to no end. I think my writing was a comfort zone to me in that I created a safety net.
I feel like a fragile broken person and I hate hate hate how I feel like a handicap on my wife. Now that I have a term and a condition to use instead of just calling myself a coward, I can find ways of coping. I can read, learn and adapt. Agoraphobia is much easier to deal with than just thinking I am a chicken of the Nth degree.
I could not bring myself to walk out that door. I was gripped with terror. The worse part was that I couldn't even say what I was afraid of. I wasn't afraid of getting mugged, getting lost or getting a bad haircut. I was just scared shitless. My stomach rebelled and I found every excuse to stay at home where it was safe.
Obviously I have a problem. I've always been shy, and I've always been reluctant to meet new people but I have never understood why. I have lost relationships because I couldn't leave the house some days. I thought I was just the world's biggest chicken.
Apparently I am not a chicken, I have agoraphobia. I used to think that was the fear of open spaces, but after doing some research I have discovered that it is a term for people who create safety zones and are terrified of leaving them. For me, it's going outside by myself. If my wife or a loved one is with me, I do a lot better and am even adventerous. Those comfort zones however don't extend to the phone where I somedays can't even order myself a pizza. Going out to ride the bus is a terror. Getting a job is something I desperately need to do but I just can't see how I can do it. It scares me to death.
I think the fears extended into my wrtiting when I decided to try to go professional. Looking back, I can see how writing for a different audience took me out of my comfort zone and made it as hard as going on a MARTA bus ride. That understanding makes it easier for me to see why I have been unable to write but it also angers me to no end. I think my writing was a comfort zone to me in that I created a safety net.
I feel like a fragile broken person and I hate hate hate how I feel like a handicap on my wife. Now that I have a term and a condition to use instead of just calling myself a coward, I can find ways of coping. I can read, learn and adapt. Agoraphobia is much easier to deal with than just thinking I am a chicken of the Nth degree.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Ruin, Despair, Sex
The complete breakdown of New Orleans has affected me in weird ways. I'm going through 9/11 levels of anxiety where I am reading a million web pages trying to understand how this could happen and what is happening now. I feel like I know FEMA front and back now. I know what mitigation means now. It annoys me that I have to go to the BBC to find out the latest news on my own country, but it was there I first heard about New Orleans police participating in the looting. I am processing information like I am cramming for a test.
Part of it comes from sheer disbeleif. As a writer, a reader and a gamer, I think about disaster What If's all the time. I rule out scenarioes a lot of times on the basis of "Human beings are smart, no human being government would just let a city sit under water and make zero effort to rescue people." Then I see shit like this for the past three days and I realize that my society is just very lucky we have a lenient wimp of a writer doing our story.
The unexpected side effect of this human misery is a desire to write. I've been dry without an idea in the world for months but now I'm almost desperate to write something. I have to carve out a world, a better sexier fun world where people don't die in stadiums while a president poses with a cake. I don't have any ideas but I have this sheer need to write. if I don't write something, anything, I am afraid I will turn into a zombie watching CNN for some ray of sunshine.
Part of it comes from sheer disbeleif. As a writer, a reader and a gamer, I think about disaster What If's all the time. I rule out scenarioes a lot of times on the basis of "Human beings are smart, no human being government would just let a city sit under water and make zero effort to rescue people." Then I see shit like this for the past three days and I realize that my society is just very lucky we have a lenient wimp of a writer doing our story.
The unexpected side effect of this human misery is a desire to write. I've been dry without an idea in the world for months but now I'm almost desperate to write something. I have to carve out a world, a better sexier fun world where people don't die in stadiums while a president poses with a cake. I don't have any ideas but I have this sheer need to write. if I don't write something, anything, I am afraid I will turn into a zombie watching CNN for some ray of sunshine.
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